Inventions

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So I am always inventing stuff. Stuff to make life better, or at least a little more delicious. I shouldn't write about these things because they will make me a millionaire if I just make them myself (see also: t.v. show ideas). Instead, I will give them out like a modern day robbing hood, stealing ideas from the geniuses (me) and giving them to the mentally poor (you).

Idea number 1: Pie Cake

Yeah, I know, brilliant huh? If you are wondering what it is, then you are indeed poor-of-mind. Pie cake is basically a cake with a pie baked right inside. People are always asking me "Hey guy, what do you like more, pie or cake." well, this solves that problem. Also, it presents new challenges as you figure out which pies go with which cakes. The coconut-cream-pie-in-a-german-chocolate cake is a slamdunk (see Michael Jordan), but think about a cherry pie in a rich double chocolate cake? or apple pie in a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting?

Are you catching the vision?

Yes?

well good luck getting a pie into a cake.
(actually I have invented a [genius] way to get a pie into a cake and if you want it you will have to send me five dollars).


Idea 2: Bacon Butter

This idea has been floating around for some time. It is as simple as it is deliciously bad for your heart. it is kind of a breakfast butter, to add protein to your morning toast, but there are so many uses!!!! Some have heard of this idea. basically it is butter with bacon crumbles right inside.

think of what you could baste with this!!!

Idea 3: Troughies (TM)

There is another business idea for this one, it is essentially a restaurant that bases itself around several long tables where patrons (you) come in and eat from a mutual trough containing the cereal of choice. It will bring people together on the topics that really unite them (lucky charms or cracklin' oat bran?). Plus, mutual trough of milk.

If you want chocolate milk, there will be a spigot at the end of the "cocoa krispies" trough, except we won't call it a "spigot" because, gross. It will be called a "fun nozzle".

also, don't get Troughies(TM) confused with Trophies* next door. It is a sports bar where you all drink beer out of the same trophies. You get a free t-shirt if you and your "party" (get it) can drink a whole "stanley cup" of beer.

Idea 4: Clear Armor

I have an idea for a suit of armor made out of plexiglass, but I don't think I should mention it because I bet it'd get pretty sweaty in there and that would gross out people that are watching you and trying to eat from their troughs.

Idea 5: Video Game

How 'bout a game that makes you more socially adept?


















*a fully owned subsidiary of Troughies International.

Thank Goodness for Thanksgiveness

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Things I am thankful for: (In no particular order)

high-fives (the comeback)
hearty oatmeal
Mom and Dad
Hobo lore
the collected poems of Ogden Nash
backflips, and the people who do them
jet-planes
the "slamdunk"
micron pigment pens
pigmies
cougars (and pumas)
warm laundry
"the ladies"
movie theater popcorn
hot cocoa
Owen and Olivia (and Morgan)
cold cocoa that has been heated up
the "web"
digital photography
things that are awesome (both old and new)
blind dates
deaf dates
dates
figs
wigs
pigs
pigs in a blanket
wool blankets (for the poor)
wheelchair athletes
New York Doll
miniature pony's
scabs
"Shame On" signs, and the people that hold them
barbecue sauce
Arbby- Q sauce
frozen custard
pies, in the face or in the mouth
pie cake
sad clowns
swimming pools
The Waffle House (the awful house)
brilliant ideas
that video for "i'm from Barcelona" where the guy's tie changes
crushes
melancholy
"getting over it"
fish tacos (the good kind)
Massaman Curry
a good backscratch
the sunlight through the window in my front room when it hits my shoulder before a nap
people at my house
Battle Star Galactica
the idea that a pan can punch through steel
memories of youth
hopes for future
the fleeting moment that is now
Akira Kurosawa
machines that quietly hum
the Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Shatner
Teaching Sunday School
a job
holy writ
The Honey Bunch of Oats
seeing "Jeremy McGuire"
the fact that CarriDee will be on for at least one more week
Zhang Yimou
that DeVotchka concert
stolen glance
that painting
Ben's print
friends that found love
online drama
Jet Blue
the prospect of Christmas
Sufjan Stevens 'Christmas Album
Thurl Bailey's Christmas Album
Sweet Potato casserole
naps on the carpet
Kids that think you are a "pony" or a "rocket ship"
the decline of Jessica Simpson's carreer
fire pits
the canyons
the sea
Lake Powell
Emmerson Lake and Palmer (just for the song "touch and go")
the word "probate"
lack of colostomy bags
less kidney stones this year (when compared with last)
church
Blue Kitchen
Friends that will go to movies with me
little gifts
the Wasatch Fault and the portent of our doom (just the portent, not the doom)
Steven Greenstreet
Books
scribbled poetry, never-to-be-read by the object thereof.
sighs
that millisecond after a sneeze
a scratched itch
sweet relief
sweet relish
relishing the moment
momentary bliss
blistek
carmex
Karma Chameleon (not so much)
trained dolphins
sharks that are unaware of the skill and cunning of a trained dolphin
scuba knifes strapped about the ankle
harpoon guns
hope
faith
charity
movies that end with "The END?"


the END?

The Dark Continent

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So I went to a land ripe for comedy: Ghana

I found out that jokes about lepers are somewhat less funny when you have spent time in a leper colony.

Anyway, here are some pictures from my trip:

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Mathematics Et Cetera: Pechrifyd

I got to be in this little music video as a sad clown. It was done in some spare time a week or so ago.

Hate Crimes

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I wonder if my feelings for the E! channel will make me a criminal.

PEN PALS!!!

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So I guess I have a new pen pal. I got this letter from Mrs. Elizabeth Coleman. She seems like a sensible sort:

GOOD DAY,

It may come suprice of receiving this my letter but
dont be suprice i need a help from you,
I am Mrs.Elizabeth Coleman from Ivory Coast. I am a
widow being that I lost my husband a couple of months
ago. My husband was a serving director of the Cocoa
exporting board until his death.

He was assassinated last january by the rebels
following the political  uprising. Before his death he
had an account here in Cote d, Ivoire up to the
tune of $7.5m (SEVEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND
UNITED STATE DOLLAR) which he told the bank was for
the importation of cocoa processing machine.

I want you to do me a favour to receive this funds to
a safe account in your country or any safer place as
the beneficiary. I have plans to do investment in your
country, like real estate and industrial production.
This is my reason for writing to you. Please if you
are willing to assist me and my only son Franck,
indicate your interest in replying soonest.

N/B note that all the necessary document use in
deposit are with me and also asurering you that there
is100%risk free in this transaction.
PLEASE KINDLY REPLY ME WITH THIS MY DIRECT
EMAIL(eliz_coleman2002@yahoo.fr)

Thanks and best regards
Mrs.Elizabeth Coleman






Okay Mrs. Coleman, I am in. This is how I replied:

Dear Mrs. Coleman,

I was very suprice to get your letter. I now that sometimes these letter is not true, so please send me a picture of you and your son so I know that this letter is true. Please in your picture, be eating waffles, so I know that you take the picture for me and not from the internet.

These times are difficult in Affrica, what is it like there? do you have servants?

I talked to my bank and they said my bank account is biggest enough to hold your money. Please send pictures and money soon!

also, do I get a chocolate for helping in this adventure.

Sincerlely,

Mister Jamison Concorde




I hope she don't mind that I used someone elses real name instead of my own.

Tragedy: The Internet

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Statistics don't lie. Sure they embelish, but they don't lie. Do you know what statistics are saying RIGHT NOW! If you you listen closely you can hear their tiny tinny voices telling us that the two most common uses of the internet are for 1. pornography and 2. geneology. This is a tragedy.

To some, this tragedy is obvious, but to me it is such a sad image. You see if you are doing one of the most common things on the internet you are bound to run into the other. I imagine a kind old pornographer stumbling on an errant geneology email and now he fritters away the waning hours of his perverted little life trying to create family trees.

so tragic.

New Television Programming

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Here is a pretty good idea for a TV show:

You take a wayward celebrity, like maybe Paris Hilton, and with the help of some of his friends (accomplices) you "set them up" like they are going on a hike or something up the mountain. When they go up hiking though, they stop to take a break and people start pulling out notepads and radios and then they all start listening to LDS General conference.

Later, at her baptism, Ryan Gosling or maybe Ricky Schroder* comes in wearing a wayward baseball cap, and they are all: "You just got Church'd!" And then Paris gets all upset and then flips off the camera (but with the fake birdie finger, 'cause in the third discussion she learned that the real birdie is a sin).

I think this could be a big hit. I also have to give someone else partial credit for the idea. If this show "hits" I will give them a "from an idea by" credit.







*we can work out the specific casting details later, but whoever it is, they will have to wear a wayward baseball cap.

it's been a while

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I know there are literally two of you out there who have wondered where I have been, or have not cared where I have been, but wished that I would write something so they could burn 1.8 minutes* on this page instead of working.

But here is the thing. I often don't have much to say.

Also, sometimes I wonder if it is "okay". Fortunately for that last post I don't know anyone who survived or died that one day. Sometimes I have a joke about church stuff, but then I think about reverence.

So I have adopted a new philosophy. If I am worried about whether or not a joke is reverent enough, I will type it silently with my arms folded. there, solves everything.


Anybody know something funny?





*the average

7-11

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9-11 is kind of like 7-11, except instead of slurpees, you get a horrible tragedy.

Welcome to Havanna

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This weekend I saw Cuba Gooding Jr. He was in Salt Lake at the Greek Festival. My friends were all, "take a picture." But I didn't.

I guess I am just not that excited about seeing Jeremy McGuire.

Knee Fight

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So I was on "LDSlinkup" the other day. You know one of those networking places where you can keep in touch with old friends from wards and such. That place has loads of mormons on it.

So anyway, I got a "quicknote" from a guy named KneeFight3 that simply said, "Get your home storage ready". I thought this was kind of funny so I tried to find his account and add him "as friend" but when I did a search it said "user not found". So basically he vanished.

I just wanted to share this story because it proves that even over the internet, the church is true.

Goal

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I don't want this to be a blog that people pass on their way to other blogs. I don't want this to be a blog where they get links for all the other hot blogs.


I am thinking, this is more of a "destination blog".

Now I just need to figure out how to serve Pina Coladas over the internet.

Technical difficulties

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Sorry I haven't written to this eJournal for a bit. I have been in Indonesia. I would like to write something right now, but I am having a hard time thinking of good jokes about nations whose populations were decimated by tsunamis.

Do you know any?

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Hello, a lot of you don't know me, my name is Damian, and I am new in this ward.

When the bishop called and asked me to give a talk this week on the 12 article of faith, my first thought was "good, he doesn't want me to do the long article of faith." but then I read it, and my second through seventh thoughts were a bunch of swears. So today, I am going to talk about swears.

"We believe in not saying swears or bad swears."

Websters dictionary defines swears as "Bad swears that you swear at people." President Kimbal once said, "Swears are the evidence of a weak mind trying to express itself swearfully."

I think we shouldn't say bad swears. Some swears aren't bad swears and we probably shouldn't say those swears either, like bastardize, bitchin' and masturbatory. Once a mission companion of mine said that you know you shouldn't say a word if you can't imagine a apostle saying that word. But then I said to him what about the word "Boi oi oi oing". I can't imagine Elder Packard saying that word, but I don't think it is a swear, not even a week swear.

Some times when you read the scriptures you will see swears. These are called Bible swears. It is okay when you read them, but if you read them outloud you will be forgiven only if you get uncomfortable that everyone else in the sunday school class thinks that you are "used to that sort of thing."

Even when you don't say bad swears you should not hear or listen to bad swears in rock and roll or rap. When people say a swear, you shouldn't say anything to them (unless you are there mother). A good way to let people know that they are saying swears is to look at them like they just put a little poop in your brownie. Being dissapointed in people is also a good way to not let swears into your life.

Swears are a bad thing. Sometimes when we say a swear it feels good in our mouth, but that is not Happiness, it is only pleasure. Some people think it is okay to say a swear if you mix it with other words. If you need to say mean things to people you don't need to use swears to say it. You can call them names (like what animals that they look like), point out how unattractive they are, or tell them that you will prolly be a general authority some day. also, if you use a swear in your blog your father or father in law will prolly be disappointed in you. So don't.

Remember that swears don't make you tough, they just make you sweary.
I know that if we learn to not say swears or bad swears and only use bible swears in class and not when people cut us off we will be better people.


Amen.

P.S. Dad, I never really say swears.

Journal(ism) now in cinemascope

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This blog is not about me,

it is about my ability to make bad jokes. But sometimes this desire to make jokes collides with the real world. Not this real world:



but the real real world. A world where we struggle for life and leisure and desparately try to figure out who is the boss of whom.

So the other weekend I bought a camera, and the other other weekend (the more recent of the two), some friends got together.

not these friends:


These Friends



and also these friends




and we packed up in a large gas swilling vehicle and went to visit Mona.

not this Mona:




this Mona:



(I'm sorry, the other mona was a bit of a stretch)


So we had a pretty good time


we actually had a great time





who am I kidding, it was nigh on a religious experience it was so good!



Some people might tell you different (that it was only the best thing of the summer instead of the best thing of a lifetime). But don't trust people with bad hair lakes.



anyway, by the time the swamp thing showed up, it was about time to go



So went to find someplace to eat.
We first saw this place


but we decided to eat someplace else




Actually we didn't even eat at that someplace else, we ate at this someplace else


and the food was delicious and greasy


I know what you are thinking: "Oh dear!" They had SO much fun.

Oh deer is right!


Who's the boss now?

a short joke

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LITTLE PEOPLE "humor"

Okay, I don't think that little people should be an object of ridicule. They are normal people who happen to be short, but I have an acquaintance who is a little person. I would say he is a friend, as we are friendly, but we don't go out for shakes on the weekend or anything. So I don't want to be one of those people who say "I have a friend who is black/gay/werewolf" and then say a racist joke.

This is based on a true story.

So anyway, I was speaking to him about the term "Midg@t", asking him if that is an acceptable term. To which his reply was, "No for us (meaning "our people") the term "M!dget" is like the word "N!#&$"".

So I want to be careful with this tidbit of knowledge. But then I find out about "little people" conventions, and I wonder if they are walking around the convention hall all "Whassup my M!dgets!?" and, "M!dget what!" "M!dget please!" and slapping high* fives with their little fingers?

I've gone to far, haven't I?

So anyway, now you know what it is like to spend any amount of time with me. I am a lame-humored anti-midgite (I am not really an anti midgite, I really do love their people, they are so good with chocolate).

I hope nobody ever reads this forevermore.

*not that "high"

NEW POST NEW POST

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I hate it when you are bored and looking for something to do (always) so you check the blog circuit and they all say the same thing they said five minutes ago.

But I have decided that I won't fall victim to my adoring public (both of you).

No siree, no way José*, I just won't do it.








*Did I ever tell you about the time that I met José Conseco and I got to see him in nothing but his unders and a tank top and he walked right over to a platter full of deli meats and just ate them by the pinchful? I should tell you about it sometime.

**MOVIES**

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I have an idea about a movie.

This movie will star Steve Guttenberg and it will be about back when he was at the top of his career. Then along came "Three Men and a Little Lady" and on his break he would play one on one on one basketball with his costars. Ted Danson would always stuff him and do mad layups over hisself and made him feel bad. So anyway, this guy disappears off of the radar for a few moments and works really hard on basketball. He realizes, due in part to his size, that he will never be an offensive force, so he develops a new style of defense (I don't want to ruin the ending, but suffice it to say, it involves a lot of "hustling").

He uses his new "style" to coach a ragtag bunch of youngsters (one kid says the most inappropriate things) to the district championship, also he learns how to read.

the name of the movie:

The Guttenberg Press




(I apologize that it took SO long to set up that joke).

now with pictures.

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Calculus

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I have learned that the quality of the food at a mexican restaurant is inversely proportional to the quantity of decoration in the establishment.

Restaurant A:

Decoration: it has sombreros on the wall and panchos as tapestries and paper mache everythings.
Food: Covered in melted cheddar on an oblong plate with canned refried beans.

Restaurant B:

Decoration: some phone cards and maybe a calendar with the Virgen de Guadalupe.
Food: Awesome.

No Whey Hose A.

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I met Jose Conseco yesterday.

At the end of the day, despite a chance to interview him and "hang", I felt like a failure because I never had the chance to say, "No Way Jose", even though that was my main goal. I was feeling sullen and blue and then I realized, I am not a failure, when I am old and withered I can tell my offspring, "Child, your grandad once met a real live American Gladiator. " and the kid will be like, "whatevs, oldster" and fly away on his hoverboard.

but I will know. I will know.

A new show.

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It's called "Found" and it is about this plane that arrives on time to this mythical island. It is kind of like "Lost" and has beautiful people in it and interesting back stories, but at the end of the season, it makes sense.

making the most of your summer

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So every summer has a theme, whether you know it or not. We discovered this many a year ago at the end of a summer full of frosty mugs that is heretofor known as "the rootbeer summer". Since that time there has been many a fine summer:

Rootbeer Summer
Summer of Fun
Summer of Play
Summer of Love (most disappointing summer EVER)
Summer of Awesome
Winter of Vengence

This summer there were many fine competitors: Summer of Bacon (think Kevin), The Summer of ROCK ('cept there weren't that many concerts coming), The Teenage Summer (which I know many have adopted, but I am 30 so coming from me it just sounds pervy). But instead we decided to go Multi-Level with this muther:

The Highly Effective Summer (set your 7 habits NOW!)

we have a website and everything. I am not going to give you a link, that would be easy. Just google it, I am sure you will find it.

The idea is that if you really want to have fun, you need some focus, some goals and whatnot.

There is even a powerpoint presentation, and there will soon be a T-shirt.

In retrospect though, it sounds like a kind of bland summer, but I guess that is the attitude of a whiner and a giver-upper (which I am not). Sure there are more epic summers to come, but I ain't even giving up on this one.

Jokes, an appendix

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So I have the sense of humor of your grandpa. Not everyone's grandpa, just yours. I have some decent jokes that get a lot of traction, and I find that once I get an acceptable reaction that I use it again and again and again.

So, anywhoo, I thought if you wanted to know what it is like to interact with me on a regular basis, You can justs read here. I will use this blog to publish my time worn jokes that are so old I doubt Grandma Moses remembers them. Keep in mind, these jokes are NOT funny, but they help out in social situations with the aged or those whom you hometeach.

ahem,

MEETING PEOPLE "Humor"

Q: So what are you up to?
A: About 180 pounds.

Q:How are you?
A: I can't complain...
...because of throat cancer.

MY DATING LIFE "Humor"
(because I am a single mormon, all adult mormons want to talk to me about this)

Q:So how are the ladies treating you?
A: like a baby treats a diaper.
(this joke I stole from Norm on Cheers, there the secret is out).

Q:So when are you getting married? (ha HA!)
A: July 1st, could you recomend a girl because I have reserved the reception hall and everything, preferably one that is okay with "eclairs" as our refreshment.

Q:So why aren't you married yet?
A: I am just waiting for the right girl to find me, and I wish she'd start looking a little harder.

SUNBURN "Humor"
(my skin is so sensitive that I get burnt if I even have a bright idea).

Q: Ouch, you look sunburned.
A: I'm not sunburned, I'm just REALLY embarassed.

Q:Ouch, does that hurt
A: Not as much as the kidney stone I am passing right now.
(Author's note: I did pass a kidney stone once, "Congratulations, you have just given birth to a grape-nut.")

blog guilt

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so I started this, and it was free and everything, but now I have a new guilt, like I should really put something here. I have negleted ye bloggy. Even if no one reads a thing, it scratches at the back of my head.

Maybe I should put some racist jokes up here. That will get them talking!

how about them blacks?

a thing which could be used

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A thing which could be used is a nap, by me.
It will last 15 to 20 minutes and give me the strength of 12 well-rested stallions.

If anyone would like to get "in" on this, I am not opposed to the gentle spoon.

a solemn oath

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I hereby oath that I will not post fashionable pictures of my friends visiting.


this is not an ideological oath, it is merely an oath that reveals that

I have no fashion
I have no friends
no one wants to visit Murray (unless we are talking about the person, he is a very nice man)


also, I don't own a camera.

I will solemnly keep this oath forever, or until I get a camera, or maybe next week.

Due to the onslaught of consumer interest...

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I will be taking a several hour hiatus.



deal with it.

Dissed belief

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I can't believe I don't have a single comment yet.

a reason for being

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Can you believe they cancelled "Manimal". Guys (and girls), he wasn't just a man, he was also part animal. Once he turned into a dolphin, but usually it was just a wolf or some other nonsense.

I guess there were creative problems from the beginning. A lot of "Guys, we need more animal." counterposed with "Whoa whoa whoa, we need more man".

If the viewership could all send pictures of their favorite animals to FOX maybe they will put it back on "the air".