Wednesday, December 24, 2008

It don't matter what I'm getting, 'cause this is what I got.

"Expectation leads to disappointment". This is a common idea in Zen Buddhism, there is something about it that never sat right with me. Hoping big and dreaming big and working big is the only way to get anything of value done. Maybe I am wrong though. Maybe when I have a disappointing Christmas it's because I wish so big, and my list of what I want is so much bigger than what I get. So to combat that, here is my new list, not of what I am getting, but what I've already got. (In no particular order)



Mom
Dad
A (pretty good) robot dance
hands (glad)
Turkey Dinner
Nog (Egg)
Long talks in the car that don't end when the drive does
A chicken costume
friends who trust me with their problems
A book of poems about love and life that I is half full
Little Owen who asks if he can hold me.
House M.D.
Kineto Pictures Inc.
A Bunch of empty sketchpads
A bunch of full sketchpads
Cameron
Hot Wings (and blue Cheese)
Olivia yelling "Uncle Damian" with all the parts of her lungs
General Health
Working plumbing (in the house)
Working plumbing (in my body)
Danny
Morgan asking me to tickle her toes
Grape Juice
Prayer
A love of Art
a taste for Chocolate
a pretty decent Kurosawa collection (on DVD)
some couches
Ben's art (including frame)
conference calls with friends (and bullet points)
inside jokes
Fast Internet!
ideas
chocolate roll
pie
vans
Van Gogh
Ties
SO many ties
running and running and running (but not for exercise)
3-2-1 blastoff
Pushing Daises (mostly just the first season)
Lee (and how he does)
a heart
a head
everything in between (and some things in the periphery)
hammock in the backyard
A business partner who is loyal and dreams big.
little people who call me "Uncle Damian"
little people who make Hot Cocoa
a couple of years in Spain
The opportunity to travel
the Joy of cooking (the book, thanks Jean)
the Joy of Cooking (the joy)
bad jokes
languages
Fuzzle
socks and wood floors
Hot N' Ready Pizzas
sharp suits
Musical Friends
Mp3s
empty canvases
unfinished scripts
knowledge
gaps in knowledge
The Doofer (GDX)
days when I don't have a thing to do
days when I have enough to keep me busy and my mind off the emptiness
bookstores
Freedom (more or less)
agency
a church calling where people have to listen to me
Brandon Brand New Dayton
things that make me "step up"
things that make me "step up" and "Take it to the streets"
the career of one Mr. Vin Diesel
Annie Dayton and rides from the airport
the Junior Bacon Cheese Cheeseburger
Tyra's ego
Cokeville
the Ranch years
Grandma and Grandpa Dayton
Gramps and Grandma
ANTM
Adrian
Adrian's schemes (also his Hijinks)
work
rest
talented friends
The Brothers
The Brothers Karamazov
Franny and Zoey
Enders Game
Benders
Trace n' Brian
Heggs
T-bone
Sirloins
Smythers n' Lindsay
Cookies n' Cream
Friends in other cities
The Book of Mormon
The Bible
and other good books

I could keep writing, but I got stuff to do. So Merry Christmas, and remember that it don't matter what you're getting if you remember what you've got.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

All I want for Christmas

Sweaters
shirts
no hats
ties, skinny ties or regular ties
a new suit
a new blazer or two (40R)
I'd like to lose 15 pounds
a pound of chocolate
an ounce of good sense
Antique stuff
an Eames chair
Anything Atomic age
except a nuclear warhead
vintage film cameras (super 8 is the best)
the new iphone earbuds
"to Live" the movie by Zhang Yimou (I have now lost/given away 3 copies of this)
"man on wire" the movie
Minerva Teichert's Christ in the Red Robes
some cool throw pillows for my couch downstairs, something modern
blank vans
sketch books
food
Joy of cooking (my old copy is getting worn out)
"A storyteller in ZIon" I lost my older copy
The new Ender's Game book (it's on the best seller list)
Extras: the complete series
the Sanjuro/Yojimbo criterion collection boxed set (I already own the movies but the set is SO gorgeous)
a punch in the face
a real live muppet
the gift of not-vomitting in the morning (the gift that keeps on giving)
a roll of quarters (for punching, then for video games)
6 piece chicken McNuggets
throwing star magnets
I want Cameron to know that Krull is NOT a good movie anymore
pretty much anything from the criterion collection
a new heart (similar to the old one, but less breaky)
a hot tub
a warm tub
ambition
pie (the treat, not the never-ending number)
a dolphin
a cyborg
a cyborg dolphin
a submarine that looks like a dolphin (so we can be friends)
a boat car
a car boat
a concept I can use to finish my story
pie cake
a reprieve from angst
a hover car
a bucket of gold
something mid-century modern
more Kung Fu pajamas
a gorilla suit (to go with the chicken suit)
a new digital camera (mine got stoled- again)
an octagon (for ultimate fighting)
Zombie Movies
Zombie Moves
"Zombie" by the Cranberries
some time to think
a clown cart
a calculator watch
the GI Joe aircraft carrier
The movie "Blood Simple" I haven't seen it. by the Coen Brothers
a chocolate orange ('cause I am getting one anyway)
a clockwork orange
some "Aspen" cologne (see above)
Music by any of the following bands: "Tunng" "Thao and the get down and stay downs" "the Books" "Feist""the Bird and the Bee", but who buys CD's anymore?
the Seagate portable pocket drive 250 gigabyte with firewire 800.
a massage
Atlantic Monthly magazine subscription
a headband
time alone
"Home Alone"
something the relieve the boredom

I think that about covers it, but maybe I am just setting myself up for disappointment.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Disappointing Christmas

I apologize for what I am about to write.


Christmas is
disappointing


Or at least it can be. I remember one of my good friends (Nate) asking for rollerblades for Christmas. He was 14 and his parents certainly had the means. As he rushed downstairs to see what was waiting beneath the glowing Christmas Tree he found...


a filing cabinet.


I don't think there is a man nor woman alive, who at one point didn't look up to a loving mother and say, "Oh ...socks. Thanks mom, yeah I really needed ...socks. yeah, I see there are different colors" And I have to wonder if that first Christmas was a little disappointing to Joseph. He was marrying a woman who was giving birth to a child that was not his. He couldn't even arrange for a clean room to spend the night and had to settle for a barn. On top of all that he had to deal with strange sheep hearders and foreigners visiting through the night. I have to wonder if he looked up and said "Oh...myrrh. Thanks, yeah I really needed ...mrryh. yeah, I see it comes with frankinsense too."

But somehow I don't think he was disappointed. He saw the birth of Christ, the foretold Messiah. His wife and child, the child that he would get to raise, were healthy. Angels rejoiced and people gathered from every economic strata to honor him. I think Joseph was open to play it by ear and take what came. He didn't know what Christmas would be and he took it as it came and was open to the new experience.

For me Christmas is a great time, but it is often disappointing. I don't think it was by accident that the glorious nativity is often surrounded by tales of disappointment. One of my favorite lyrics is this, "If it wasn't for disappointment, I wouldn't have any appointments." Thus is life.

I'll be honest, life has had it's share of disappointments lately (many of which are of my own making). I think of a lot of people who aren't where they thought they would be are looking forward to a disappointing Christmas. I think that can be temperred by being open, like Joseph must have been, to whatever Christmas we will be given.

But I think of Simeon and Anna in the Old Testament, who each waited faithfully year after disappointing year, visiting the temple regularly until they got a chance to see the child Messiah. They are not surrounded by fellow faithful or even family in their tales. Just lone people that had some hope.

As I go into this winter solstice, this time of year with the worlds longest night, I know that the sun will come again, as will the Son of God. And disappointments are for the moment, and fleeting. My friend Nate still uses his filing cabinet, and probably chuckles and thinks of his Dad. I have probably worn through the socks but I know that my Mom cares about how warm my feet are.

As I go into this Christmas, I am deciding not to be disappointed. I am not going to be attatched to what Christmas has been and look forward to what it will be, and to enjoy every minute.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Selling your soul

The best advertising is a good product. But not really, not if no one knows about it. I think the best brands are ones that speak to me in a way that doesn't yell "Our widgets are the BEST!" but put forth a positive ideal. I don't currently own a pair of Nike shoes but their "Just Do It" campaign is durable and great. Check out this ad out. (so much great stuff in there, from Derek Redmond, the cheetahs and runners to the Winged Victory of Samothrace[also known as "the nike"])

Now the cynical part of me wants to reject inspiring ads and thinks, "they just want me to feel better and associate that with there brand." but once in a while I am willing to suspend my cynicism, if for a few moments.

I love this dream of an ad . But I like it even more now that I have read this purported letter from an engineer at Honda.(For double your fun read the letter while listening to the ad.)

I don't believe in the super-consumer, especially since corporations can change from an idyllic brand that thinks big and has their arms wide open to a money hungry machine with a scarcity mentality. But I think some companies get it, at least for a while and I am willing to march a few of my dollars their way.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Smells like a Good Idea

So I went to a great and bizarre show last night. Of Montreal was in town and the seldom disappoint (Thanks Danny for the heads up). I have heard them probably four times now, each in different venues, and last night they played in the new/old venue The Murray Theater (Guy, get a real website, but still, this may be the best venue in Utah, make note)

I think I may be in love. The show didn't stop for one second and each song was accompanied with odd video visuals and live action vignettes performed by a crew of 4-7 performers that included scenes like an old-timey bar fight and golden aliens raising a shaving-cream covered Kevin Barnes from the dead. The show finished with a great cover of the Ramones (I forget the song) then Smells Like Teens Spirit (which made me wish I was a teen again).

But here is the Good Idea : The swag table had all the usual t-shirts, buttons and CD's. But they also had several cool objects (like lamps, wall stickers and 3D posters). Each purchase came with a digital download of the new "Skeletal Lamping Collection". And each object had a very Of Montreal signature style to it.

I always like to support artists and buy stuff at shows because more of your money goes to the artist than to the label (at least that's what I think), but the truth is I often have the record, or at least the songs that I want from that band (or I probably wouldn't go to that show). Of Montreal usually includes secret discs when you buy something at a show, but this is a one up on that idea. This unique idea lets you get a piece of creativity that you can pass on in a way that you can't do with an mp3 (Vinyl collectors often say that you can't pass down an mp3 collection to your kids). I love it. Polyvinyl records, and other labels have been doing it with Vinyl records for a while now (which I believe has helped the vinyl industry , but I don't have numbers), but I thought it was incredibly creative way of looking outside a normal marketing paradigm. Plus you get cool stuff. For the artist I don't think it was about marketing though (He gave away a melody to Outback steakhouse for a song).*

From the packaging of the wall stickers that I bought:

"The goal of the Skeletal Lamping Collection is to expand the perception of music packaging beyond the traditional flat, square artwork. ...
...Ideally every object you bring into your home should feel exceptional to you, otherwise it just adds to the clutter and chaos of your life. We feel, there's no reason to produce another object that just sits on a shelf. We only want to produce objects that have functionality and can be treasured for their singularity. "

Kudos to Of Montreal and thier label on this one. I hope others follow suit.



*Maybe this discussion should be another blog post on selling albums vs. selling out and what to do when an ad agency murders your song and you are legally obliged to not say a thing about it. But I am glad they played the original at the show. So good that it made me not want to go Outback tonight.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Good Ad, Bad Ad

People in the Ad world all want a memorable ad. The problem, I think is that a memorable ad does not make it an effective one. Even ads that I love have little connection with the brand, or even worse, get in the way of a really great product.

I think the Mac vs. PC ads are kind of like that.

It was fairly clever at first, but know I feel like a voyeur watching a bad Jr. High Election debate. I really don't care about Vista problems and I don't think Apple gets any traction by talking about their competitors, when they could just show us cool pictures of their lovely machines and we will drool and buy them. They plug into the desire that pushes a consumer forward (as do their original ipod silhouette ads).

Here is another case in point: Holiday Inn Express.
Good ads? Great ads? Well they are totally memorable ads, but all they tell us is that a really clever agency came up with some good creative. Holiday Inn Express = Smart. Does this make you want to consume this product? I want to be smart, and furthermore, I want people to think I am smart, but it doesn't move me.

Here is the thing, the Holiday Inn Express brand is a new product. Previously my brain put Holiday Inns in the same category as Best Western: Cheap, family motels where you pull the bed spread off when you walk in so as to not make contact with the stains. But the new ads aren't much different than their older ads which had a similar message(and were very clever).

I stayed at an express a few weeks ago and discovered that they are much closer to the Marriot line as far as quality goes. They have a standardized set of accommodations including really fantastic beds, nice linens and a selection of firm or soft pillows depending on your preference. Everything about the place is restful and they have this nice graphic touch labeling everything (towels=soft, soap= cleanse) This may just feel like a cutesy decorating touch, but it is a little detail that you notice when you stay that assures you that your lodgings are going to be what you expected.

Doing a fair amount of travel for work, I am going to prefer this brand to others, but not because of the ads, which I like, but because the experience is much different, and better than I expected. I am surprised that they have done nothing, advertising-wise to express the difference between the Holiday Inn Express and the Holiday Inn Family Resorts. There is a series on the breakfast bars which is nice, but nothing to really distinquish the brand (P.S. the breakfast bar is really pretty okay, at least a half-step above the regular "continental breakfast" spreads). The desires that push me when finding a place to stay when I am traveling for work are generally: rest, security and price. I find that the HI Express is pretty competitive in all three. So maybe that is why I wish the ads did their job better.

Or maybe it's just because I have been staying at Holiday Inn Expresses and I really am that much smarter and can improve their ads for them now.

Any other ads out there that are funny/memorable, but don't move you as a consumer?

Company Blog

My company, Kineto Pictures Inc., started a blog a while ago. Laura, our office manager who is also a talented and clever writer, updates it regularly. So if you want to see what we are up to and check out some fun links, go here.

Friday, October 24, 2008

More Moderation in all things

Come on guys, no body running for president is a terrorist, or a criminal, or an idiot.

They all misspeak, they have all shook hands with someone they don't agree with and have probably spoken at events that you wouldn't attend. But enough with the invective already. I am growing tired of the politics of calling your opponent a fool, a liar, or a thief.

Neither of our candidates are saints. I wish more of the debate was about their policies of governance. No matter whom is elected, they will probably spend less time working towards the cause that you believe in and more time trying to patch together a broken economy, and trying to find enough money to simply run the government.

I don't think there is a more apt time to reflect on JFK words, now is not a time to ask our country what it can do for us.

I still believe in an honorable American ideal, maybe it is like Plato's chair and doesn't really exist, but I think we are still a people willing to work to build it.

Either way, I'd like to encourage you to vote, but also to do a little ready, studying, thinking and praying. You might come to a different conclusion than me, but that's what we can do for our country.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Moderation in all things

I added comment moderation a while ago. While I like people to feel that they can post whatever they'd like I do have family members come here and I got a few comments on my couches post that contained a few choice words (not of my choosing).

I might go back to the old way, but this is just an FYI if you post and wonder why your comment doesn't show up immediately.

Also, it is much easier to comment when you aren't using a reader. I forgot to mention that. I don't comment nearly as much as I used to.

links

I kind of like this blog world. I have found though that how I interact with it greatly alters my experience. I use to have everyone bookmarked and I could wander for hours checking on un-updated blogs and discovering new ones. Bloglinks are the new friendoffriends.

Now I use a reader (googlereader) which is far more efficient, but it does change some things. One, I don't have to sort through so many before I find someone who has updated. Two, I can follow a lot more blogs. But the third thing is what makes me wistful, to wit: I am less likely to stumble upon a new blog unless someone links to it in the body of their post. So I miss that, but maybe it allows me to actually get work done during the day (I follow about 70 blogs). I think that this kind of "success" in the blog world has also got to inhibit the blogs ability to make money (I don't see banner ads anymore).

This different kind of interaction has also made me think about critical mass. If a blogger doesn't post much I forget about hirm (him/her), but my reader remembers, and when they come back to life, I can follow them again. But there are a couple of blogs that I really like that post WAY too much. I followed the serif for a long time (graphic design is one of my secret-wish jobs), and even though they have great taste over there and are posting a lot of interesting content. There are just TOO many posts on a daily basis for me. Now that might just be me, but I think any more than one or two posts a day is about my limit. The Sartorialist (THE fashion blog) hits that maximum about right, but anymore and I might have to remove him as well. I am only a casual observer of both fields (though I might use concepts gleaned from either in my work). Personal blogs can hit critical mass pretty easily. I think though, that ideally once a week is a nice figure, especially if everyone didn't update on the same day (Right now there is a deluge of Monday updaters, whom I theorize are trying to prove that their weekend was the fabuloustest, or who simply need to put off starting the work week as long as possible by blogging).

My other pet peeve is people that write really long blog entries (even if I like the content), so maybe I should end this now.

Friday, September 12, 2008

FYI

for those googloopers out there. I am number 7 when you do a search of "Hockey Taz Tatoos". Maybe I need some pics so I can be more helpful to searchers.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

eCouches dot com

If you know me, then you probably know "Big Blue" the old family couch that made its way into my basement. Well I tried to get modern and I bought a new couch. With so many couches in my house now (I count 4), I figured I should get rid of one and as much as I will miss Big Blue (AKA Bluey, or "The Snuggler"), I decided I should sell him.

What better way to sell things than with the internets. Basically it is the "net" of computers and you can use your computers to look at my computers. It's all kinds of complicated, but anywho, I put up an advertisement on Facedbook. You can see it here.

I got one interested party, but it was a hassle to be at home when they wanted to pick it up ('cause lazy) plus I have stadium seating in my basement now. So I didn't sell it, but the ad(vertisement) has been up for months. Then out of the blue I started getting e.mails (electro-mails) offering to buy. This thing has been up for months and the emails look a little fishy, so I decided to respond. I know there are professionals that do this much better than I do, but I thought I'd let you folks in on my eCommunications on the eInternet.

Letter number one:

Here it is if you hate to read pictures:

Initially i will like you to email me back to this email address now,
kelly_wilson505@yahoo.com
I'm ok with the price for the item. I'll be using this opportunity to let you understand that you'll be receiving the payment in mode of check from my client and the amount you'll be receiving will be more than the item fees. Like i told you i'm purchasing on behalf of my client and the excess payment is my own commission with the money i'll need to pay for our shipping company. So i want you to promise me that you are so honest to deduct just the amount for the item and send the excess money through westernunion as soon as you receive the payment from my client. The payment will be sent immediately you agree with me to deduct just the amount for the item and send the balance through any WESTERN UNION OFFICE well known to you and you'll be receiving it the next day. &n bsp; one more time i want you to get back to me with this email addreess to day **omitted**

There won't be any problem about the shippment. I'll be handling that with my DHL# so i want you to get back to me asap now with your full mailing information. Email me your full name, address and phone# now if you agree and assure me that you'll deduct just the amount for the item and send the balance through WESTERN UNION so that the payment can be sent immediately.
Notice i want you to go and end the auction for me i would end it by my self but i dont know i to do it if u can do that for me i will adding $10 to your payment
Here is the email addreess yiou have to email me back now
kelly_wilson505@yahoo.com

Below are the questions i have for you.

1)is the item in good condition?

2)is any WESTERN UNION location where you can send the balance money arround you?

3)can you make sure you get the payment cashed at your bank the same day you receive it?

4)can you allow me to send DHL for the pick up and complete the transaction the day you receive the check?

If yes to all my questions, kindly email me back your full name, address and mobile# asap today

i want you to email me your full name and addreess
YOU CAN EMAIL ME BACK TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS NOW
**omitted**
Thanks,

My response:
Can you pay for this item with gold dubloons? I'd appreciate it if you could pay for this item in gold dubloons as I have decided to move towards the gold standard. You can deliver them however you want but preferably in a small burlap sack with an "$" on the side (I prefer the "$" with two lines through it if possible :))

thanx! (you will love this couch!!!)
____________

The day before I got this message:
RESPONSE TO THIS MESSAGE SHOULD BE SENT TO (paulsmth7610@gmail.com)

Hello I'm paul smiths, I hail from Canada in ottawa city, I came across your advert and am highly interested in Purchasing your ($50 - Big Blue, the warm embrace of a sectional couch) which you offer for sale.I Due to the fact that its been a long time have been searching for it, Please Kindly get back to me as soon as possible with the necessary answers to the question in mind, Are you the first owner? The present condition? Your final asking price?And I will also like you to send me Pictures to enable me view what I intend to purchase and i will like you to know that my form of payment is through a Certified Check or a USPS Money Order ..I await your urgent response so that we can proceed further.

RESPONSE TO THIS MESSAGE SHOULD BE SENT TO (**omitted**)

Regards
Paul


my response:

okay, this sounds fine and acceptable.

There will be a minor transaction fee. I will pay you with a transfer from western union. Also, I will take 20$ off the price of the couch, there is some slight discoloration from blood stains. Don't worry most of it is gone and you CANNOT get any DNA evidence from it.

YOU WILL LOVE THIS COUCH!!! It is good for cuddling, snuggling and even taking naps. the stains that I mentioned earlier DO NOT SMELL AT ALL! and you will still sleep soundly.

I look forward to working with you!!!!

Monday, September 08, 2008

Friday, September 05, 2008

joke (based on a true story)

Sometimes people who are divorced move into the singles ward, and I welcome them. But then they get remarried and I feel like I just got lapped.

Maybe someday I will get an Olympic story wrote about me how even after I got lapped, I just didn't give up, and people slow-clapped for me when I crossed the finish line.

______


Q: Do you know what the worst thing in the world is?

A: Yup, it's genocide.

Next to that is blogs by single people that complain about being single.

Do the Apocalypso

I am kind of fascinated by the Apocalypse. My friend Adam and I used to pretend it was the Apocalypse on his trampoline and we would shoot lazers out of our hands at the armies of Gog (and Magog) because that's what we thought the priesthood could do. I am not trying to be sacrilicious here, we really kind of though that, but we also used to debate whether or not Ninjas were allowed crossbows in olden times ('cause of the "no guns for ninjas" rule).

Even though I am a little doubtful about the lazers, I am still intrigued by this period, and even though my theology doesn't really allow me to believe in Zombies*, I am still going to prepare just in case. I just hope they are the slow kind like in most movie and not the fast kind like in 28 days later 'cause I am slow of foot. I also think that if I was surrounded by Zombies on all sides and they were slowly closing in on me, I would start believing in the rapture real quick.

But I guess whether it is Zombies or Gog's or whatevs I am still kind of stoked for when it all goes down (think about this: no matter what happens food storage is still a good idea). I just hope the internet is one of the last things to go down because I really like playing wordscraper (nee scrabbulous). Man, if being good at scrabble was a weapon, I would not fear the Zombies, no, not one bit.



*This is for people that tell me who they are, they get specific blogs on the topics that they like.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Anonymous

You know if you are writing as anonymous you neither get the credit (nor blame) for the thing that you just wrote, and like I've said before, I will read your comment and think, "Oh, that's nice, the guy who wrote 'Footprints' left a comment on my blog".

But you are welcome here anyway. And that time when you had a dream and you thought you were reading this blog all by yourselv, well you were not alone.

Because there is a ghost in your house.

Monday, August 25, 2008

More men

Probably the best blog of Mormon jokes of all times is this one:

Regis Blog

If you think it is about Regis Philbin you prolly should read the very first post before you read anything else.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

BRAND NEW.

I am not a graphic designer, but I like to draw pictures. I like them on paper though and don't do so well when I have to use a computator. Back when I was talking about branding myself an old mission buddy* made me this:If you can top his design for gladhanded I will give you a **SUBSTANTIAL REWARD. Also I will post the pictures of entrants.






*(we both went to Spain and taught people how to be Mormons, also we sweated)
**I will draw your name in cool letters, like it is some sort of graffiti or something, you'll have to wait because I will probably do it in church and it might be on the back of a church program. I have been told that I am pretty good at this. Or I will draw on your shoes for you.

Friday, July 11, 2008

MENU UPDATE!!!

My coming "Mormon" themed restaurant will have a children's menu, so far we only have one item on it:

Chicken Tender Mercies.

Zombiez

Sometimes I think that the hardest part about preparing for the zombie invasion is knowing which scientists to trust. I mean will they be normal people infected with "rage" that move with blinding fury? or re-animated necrotic flesh spurred on by an insatiable hunger for human flesh (including the appendix)? Who knows? You would think it doesn't matter that much, but it will TOTALLY change my defensive strategy. Either way, is should keep a couple of weapons just to be safe. Does anyone know one can get one's shotgun "sawed off".* Anywho, I am not trying to be alarmist or anything, but I think it is about time we began a rational discussion about what to do when the dead begin to walk (I am not talking about the Rapture, 'cause I will be like, "Yo, peace out!!" twinkle). Also because I think a lot of politicians are ignoring this issue (How does Obama expect to have hope when his loved ones will be moaning his name in tattered clothes, hungering for his delicious and articulate brain). Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

P.S. If you are a sniper, I am looking for friends!!!

EDIT: I borrowed this book from Lee. It's kind of the authority on this subject.

*IDEA: During the zombie invasion, start a "Saw Off" business. Do not accept cash (axes will be more valuable). Also, make friends with that guy who keeps an old bus in his front yard, it would make a pretty good escape/assault vehicle.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

IDEAZ!

Here is an APPENDIX of good ideas. They are all free, no JOKE. If you make millions off of any of them you only have to give me one of your millions.

1. I'm gonna write a book called:

GET A JOB AND LOSE WEIGHT
How a stressful job will help you worry the pounds away.

I'll probably only sell a couple of million.


2. The UTA traxxx should have a car on each train dedicated to scooters, no seats, just a big freight car with a place to lock in the scooters. Most people like the idea of trax but don't like getting too and from the station at either end. UTA could sell a more expensive scooter pass and more people would use the train. This idea is made of gold and I have more details if you are interested.

3. Someone needs to make a car stereo for the iphone and let the iphone be the faceplate. It is already about the right size and then you will always take it with you. It could even be keyed in so that only your iphone would work with it. Tadah! anti theft device! It is so simple and genius I can't believe no one has done it. I think the biggest challenge is the frequency on which AT*T opperates (a thing which seems to always cause interference with speakers).

4. Piecake.
I have talked about this elsewhere and was even given a delicious piecake on the anniversary of my birth, but we need to talk about it more. Who is going to be in charge of starting the web-community around this idea (it is VERY WEB2.0)It is a pie INSIDE a cake. It would have a tool where you can "virutally" try out combinations like apple pie inside a carrot cake or cherry pie inside a double chocolate cake. I bet a lot of people would do coconut cream inside a German Chocolate cake, but that's there business.

5. Back-scratch therapy
You have seen it at church, but I think someone should bring this art out of obscurity. A good back scratch makes life worth living. You could have church pews with cushions along the backs of the pew in front of you (for a headrest) and if you don't have a white dress shirt (best thing for a b.s.) they could be provided. There are also different fees associated with different "types" of backscratch: "Hard" "Tickle" "Spelling" (there will be a selection of poetry to work from) and the ever-popular "going on a treasure hunt".

6. an anti-viral ad.
Everyone thinks viral ads are a good idea, and that if you make an ad and then call it a "viral ad" and make it cheaply that everyone will want to email it. I would like to make an ad that stops people from forwarding it and also encourages them to spend less money and maybe go outside once in a while. This ad will also have high production costs and involve well trained actors.

7. Extra large size pudding cup.
So I don't have to eat three.



That's it for now, but I will have more in the future.


STAY TUNED!!!!








appendix joke!

Monday, June 16, 2008

A man a brand a canal Panama

My friend Brian (who likes the internet) and I were talking about the thing that he likes* the other day.

Blogs, Facebooks, Twitters, Aggregators, readers and all that. He was saying that once we are online we become brands, with consumers and followers and the like. Though I liked to think of myself as a Grape Nehi in a Coca-Cola world, I didn't like the idea of being a commodity. That is until I thought that meant that I get to design a logo for myself. If you would like you can design one for me too, and find some way to get it to me*. I am looking for something fresh and fun that appeals to my target demographic (peopleages 20-35 that like awesome things, taking naps and appendix jokes ).

Also, I have had some pretty good ideas lately that I should probably blog about. STAY TUNED!!!

*the internet

Thursday, June 12, 2008

SINZ

Last week was gay-pride week in Salt Lake City. I think this made a lot of Mormons uncomfortable.


because, you know, Pride is a sin.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Buzy Bee

So, all jokes about appendix's (appendices?) aside. I have been bursting with work lately. We are working once again on a product for Two Little Hands Productions. I shan't say what. Which keeps me super busy.

My company also did this:


GM ROCKS!!!!!!!!

Nothing says Indie music like car manufacturers. I hope that GM appreciates all of the appendix joke traffic that I send their way. But seriously, they are sponsoring a number of pretty cool concerts including the "palooza" that started the "palooza" craze. Loungeapalooza etcetera.

Which reminds me, we are having a gathering for Lee (Leelandpalooza) at my house after the Bees game on Saturday. You can come or don't. but don't expect it to be a repository of the best appendix jokes you have ever heard.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The Inner Net

the internet is nice and all, but lately I have been enjoying this old thing called a phone and it turns out, it comes in pretty handy.

The internet is such a great place to escape to, but sometimes I just need to be where I am escaping from, and it turns out that there is a lot worth facing in the real world.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Lonliness is next to Sadliness

I wrote this ramble somewhere else, and thought about how I neglected this poor blog, only stopping by to give it a T-shirt. So is my post wherein I talk about the lonely one.

The lonely one.

I have always felt bad for the lonely one. Elgin was in my fifth grade class, and Ben S. wrote a story called "the Smellgin" that everyone thought was funny (because he smelled) and I just felt awful for Elgin (but the fact taht he smelled made it hard for me to be friends with him). There was Steven C. 9who made me feel uncomfortable when he talked about kissing his mom "hello" when he got home from school, Alan with heart problems and long white fingernails, and the guy with a tumor on his leg in third grade (whose name I don't have the charity to remember).

All through life I felt sad for the lonely one and I wished I could do something, but I never had enough confidence in myself to feel like I was good for much. So I'd talk to them, move my desk to their island, but I still wanted the cool friends, the interesting and attractive people that avoided ridicule. One time we were playing soccer at recess and I tripped Justin I. (chubby plus freckles) and he fell in a puddle of mud. Everyone laughed and I got all sorts of back slaps, but I felt awful. Yet I drank up the backslaps like some sort of luxury chocolate shake.

So life went on, and there was always that kid. The one with the smelly jacket, or the deaf girl that you could throw stuff in her hair and she didn't know, there was also that guy that read "the Sword of Shanara" and used the bathroom to go number two with the door open. and I couldn't do a darn thing to be on their side, because then they'd throw stuff in MY hair or pull down my pants when I was talking to the pretty girl. This is the dilemma of a Junior High Student. I still regret to this day ditching one of my best friends because I was convinced that he would be an impediment and all the things that made him decent and good were the things that would not stand up at BJH. You cannot make friends with Gomez or you too will get heaved into the bushes at lunch. If you talk to J.Wakefield, your pants are in danger of getting ceremoniously dumped.

In High School I got some confidence and found that people would be around me if I did funny things. So I did funny things and sometimes on television or for assemblies, but I didn't think of myself as cool or popular or any of that. I still sweated when asking a girl out (and avoided them until the day of the date, lest they should change their mind). But there were still the lonely ones skulking down the halls and you knew them and everyone knew their name, but know I think I started to settle into a groove and realized that I loved art and wasn't awful at soccer and being good at school wasn't something to hide. I ran for a class office and then for a Student Body Office (for in the mind of my Junior-year-self there was no arrival greater, nor pronouncement of completion more final). I wrote the scripts myself and made the posters in the wee hours of my house. I walked around the lunch room shaking hands and making ridiculous promises because any promise was ridiculous. Miracle of miracles, I get elected to a Student Body Office, and feel like I have arrived.

So my job is to make announcements, but I also think that from now on, things are going to be different. I will sit with Elgin and Justin and James and Steven and everyone else will realize that we are all okay, and it would be just like a seminary videos. And the kid with ketchup on his shirt will be the prom queen and I will dance with the heavy-set gal at Jr. Prom.

So on the first day of School, I notice this kid with extra-thick glasses that involve some tape (I think they were the type that are supposed to turn dark in sunlight, but instead are always just kind of dark). I watch him as he eats by himself slowly and deliberately. His eyes are on the table and he finishes efficiently then exits quickly. This pattern would continue every day for a week.

I point this out to my friend and lay out my plan. He is in on it with me. We go and sit with this guy with the biggest dopiest grins on our faces. We introduce ourselves and the guy looks up, hurt and says, "oh, I see what you are doing." and gets up and walks away. So all of the sudden I am Ben eFFing Scribner writing a story about Smellgin and there is nothing I can do to make this guy think different.

Fast forward a few years. I am in college (freshman year) and I jump into an advanced Physics class. It is the first class I have taken in an auditorium with stadium seating. The students buzz about the professor, "He was on the Manhattan project, some sort of genius." " Did you hear that he never married?" And I take a test or two, and on the second test in class on Friday I miss one of the important problems that is like half of the grade. So disgusted and intimidated by the process I throw the paper away. One week passes, then this professor announces that one of the problems was scored incorrectly and if you bring the test in they will regrade it.

What does a guy do?

Nothing, I sit on it for a week. But I know it will hurt my grade, so I go up to him and explain my situation. I am not asking for anything at this point, I just tell him what happens. He tells me to come back to his office to discuss it. When we get to his office he tells me he is going to retest me right there. He asks me to sit down and he makes up a problem and I am supposed to solve it in front of him. I totally freeze up and stare at the paper for like five minutes. Then he says, "here, you will probably need these formulas" and he writes out a bunch of formulas for me. I do the problem, he slowly takes out a red pen and corrects the problem and I get 8 out of 10 points (a full letter grade difference). He explains what I did wrong and encourages me on the next test. I pulled an A minus in the class (I think, actually I don't know, but I want you to think his encouragment worked, and that I am smart, but not remarkaeble [which I spelled wrong and am leaving as such for my punishment for saying that I am smart]).

Jump forward again, back from my mission, owning campus and living a pretty good life. It's like nine at night. I am studying in the Wilkensen center and I catch a tall tweeded figure out of the corner of my eye. It's this professor and he has a tray with some sandwich on it and he sits down and eats it slowly and deliberately. He looks at the ceiling tiles in the way that makes you think he is pondering physics but I assume he is avoiding eye contact. I remember how he was never married, and now after class he must eat this gummy bread and slow gape on it. I sit and watch him eat and my leg muscles start twitching because I have been on the verge of moving over and sitting with him for a half an hour. All I wanted to say was "I was in your class years ago, and thanks for your help." but I cant' get that other kid out of my mind, and as much as we hate loneliness we also hate pity.

So I don't know what is sadder, lonely guy or cowardice.

There are still lonely ones in my life and this one guy (Brett, who has a clammy handshake and who starts twitching when I talk to him) and sometimes I try to sit with him, but it never feels right, but maybe it's better than nothing. So maybe I am not as much a coward anymore, but you can't ever sit with everyone, and also sometimes you are the lonely guy and you just want someone interesting and confident to come sit by you, but not because you are the lonely one.

So maybe I will just have to treat this blog like the lonely one and start being nice to it. Sometimes the world is just a lonely place and all you can do is sit next to it, and hope it doesn't get the wrong idea.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Don't think of this as a new blog

Just a blog that changed it's t-shirt.

I am also trying out Adsense, because I am to see if my dozen or so hits a day can turn into gum money.

I also threw down a few more links. I bet I forgot a bunch. It's not you, it's me.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A well coined phrase

So there is this guy who linked to my blog pointing out my opportunism with the google searches (re: appendix jokes). He coined the term "googlooping" to describe the phenomenon. I hearby want to encourage the use of said term and of said practice. Please regale me of your tales of how googlooping has increased the crash errant surfers to your virtual sandy beaches. Link them to that guys post and whoever google's googlooping will find him.

I myself have found my "appendix jokes" traffic to be waning. If you are interested in helping with this project. Mention "appendix jokes" in your blog and link it back to that page.

If you hate both of my projects then try out some of the other words and phrases that I am trying to coin and get accepted into the lexicon.

Tomorning (tomorrow morning) ex: "I'd like to stay and french-out but I gotta get up awful early tomorning"

Yesternight (last night) ex: "I am real tired 'cause I frenched it up yesternight."

Dormulent (incredibly sleepy, desiring a bed) ex: "That guy is always blaming his sleepiness on kissing out but he is really just a dormulant galoot."

Alright, that's enough blog homework for one night.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Karma is an unkind woman

So I have been basking in all of my googled glory. Drinking up the fame that comes from being the internet's leading authority on Appendix Jokes, and then karma hit me (but apparently karma has poor aim and hit my good buddy Mike at work).

So Mike is recovering from an appendectomy. Send good vibes his way. I am going to send a pie his way.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Some dance

If you are going to go to a film festival, make documentaries your priority. Here is why:

There are a lot of poorly made films at a festival. The majority of the good ones will find distribution and make it to a local art-house at least. Films that have a LOT of buzz will probably even get a wide release. Anymore the festival scene is really about independent filmmakers and artistic and innovative films as much as it is about promoting a certain type of film that "feels" independent (and has a major star trying to earn some acting chops). National Treasure could have been a Sundance film if Nicholas Cage had a 14 year old daughter that was into taxidermy and said whatever was on her mind.

So go see the documentaries. Some are sweet and some are alarmist, many simply have a cause and the Q&A isn't about the craft it's about the cause "But what can we do?!?" I usually like the documentaries about people but sometimes I like the informative ones. I saw two documentaries like this. One better than the other, but both interesting and fair-handed and informative enough to make me care about their causes. FLOW was about water and it talked about a number of issues surrounding the privatization of water (bad) and the importance of conservation (good) and activism (good?). Personally I think activism is a tool for when the normal processes don't work (ie: voting, legislation etc..) some people like the romance of the sit in and the picket sign (but I digress). I left this film firm in my resolve not to buy bottled water (for a number of reasons, we can talk about it if you'd like). It was a nice film by people that cared passionately about what they were doing.

The other doc I saw was I.O.U.S.A. It was a midnight show and it was on economics and debt. To me this was a bigger warning that former vice-president Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Power Point Presentation" (which I only thought was vice-good). I left the theater wanting to vote for a candidate that would raise taxes and balance the budget and diminish entitlements. Did you know in the last 7 years our national debt has almost doubled? and more importantly, the holders of the debt are now, more than ever, foreign entities, specifically China?

Why does this matter? is this only theoretical money? Well kind of, but the thing is, once people realize that money is only theoretical that's when it all goes bad, and if the owners of our debt do that to us our green pieces of paper aren't worth anything anymore, and the zeroes and ones in your atm mean less. But more to the point, these foreign debt holders can influence and dictate policy to US. The world bank already does it to 3rd world countries. So the thing we should care about is that the guys that pulled off the party at Tianemen square also hold our debt, and if at any point we decide to become idealistic the thing that our loan collectors can repossess is our ideal of what America is.

Yeesh, sometimes I just wish we could pay off our National Debt with our National Treasure. Anybody know a Templar Knight?

Thursday, January 17, 2008

A SURGE(ry) in APPENDIX TRAFFIC

Doctor (examining a patient's appendix): Wow, I bet that hurts like the Dickens!
Patient (who is a minor celebrity): No, it's actually just north of the Dickens

(cue laugh track)


This was said to my father (a doctor) by a patient (more like IMpatient) who makes his living off making jokes. Which is a bigger crime: to violate HIPA or to steal a joke?


I want to become the Robins William of appendix jokes.


Thanks to the fine folks at the Google, I am the NUMBER 1 result when you search appendix jokes.

I got three hits yesterday alone!!! I am getting at least one a day!! I dont' have enough exclamation marks!!!!!

I promise my next jokes won't have a theme, or at least they won't have THIS theme.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Salt City Ink.




How about a reality show about a Salt Lake City tattoo parlor that only does temporary tattoos. Sure it's not a great idea, but c'mon, there are already FOUR shows about tattoo parlors.

Anyway, I have a few opinions about tattoos, but mostly I don't care. Mostly because getting a tattoo is like having someone write down the date you wanted to get a tattoo on your body. Also, it is mostly because it is like choosing a t-shirt that you really like, and deciding to wear it for the rest of forever.

But on the other hand, they can be really cool. So what's a fella to do?

Well if I DID get a tattoo it would probably be one of the following (feel free to take any of these ideas and let me know how they turn out).

TATTOO IDEAS:

  • Calvin urinating on gothic letters that say: "TATTOO"
  • Herve Villachez ("Hey want to see my tattoo?").
  • A picture of my face, on my face, about 3/4 size (Sure it's vain, but people will always be under the illusion that I am backing away from them).
  • The words "Bad Idea" on my cheek, right below my eye.
  • Robot hand (on hand).
  • A tattoo right under my nostril, you think it is a booger but when you look close, nope, it's a beautiful butterfly (with skulls on it's wings).
  • A tattoo of big muscles all over my body (<---GREAT IDEA).
  • a tribal.
  • A tattoo of lots of money, but make it look like it's coming out of my pockets (they are a-million-dollar-bills)
  • A Bear Murdering a Puma (with some malice of forethought).
  • A tattoo of a box of TNT right where my appendix should be (gotta please my readership)
  • A tattoo of a good haircut on (and around) my head.
  • A tattoo that says "VOTE FOR MITCH ROMNEY!!!
If you have any more ideas, go ahead and give them to me. Especially if they are related to your FREE APPENDIX SURGERY JOKES!!!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Bursting with Appendix Jokes!!!

So this guy (Brian) is now working with a company that does Web Analytics. Really high-powered stuff that can tell what gum you are eating while you are surfing the site. I, on the other hand, am using good ole-fashioned Sitemeter. What I have learned from the free sitemeter is that most people that read my blog know me, or know people that know me. But about once a day, I get someone who did a google search for "appendix jokes". one of my first posts was an appendix of my most commonly used jokes I am getting searchers from around the world looking for appendix jokes.

So friends, family, people who know people who I know: This post is not for you. This is for the Guy in New Zealand whose mom is in the hospital and is looking for something clever to write about her recent surgery. Here is the thing, I don't want to just GIVE you jokes (then you won't come back). So instead, I am just going to give you a couple of Appendix Punchlines. Also, at the end of the post I am going to write a few words that are sure to increase my Appendix-Jokes traffic.


APPENDIX PUNCHLINES:



"No, I said vestigial organ, not vestigial Oregon!"

"And St. Peter said, 'It was the RUPTURE, not the RAPTURE!'"

"Well it all came out in the end"

"Now THAT is what I call splenic flexture!"  (I hope you guys are alright with a few splean jokes thrown in)

"Well you sure ain't going to find any bibliographies in THAT appendix"

"STAND BACK, IT'S GOING TO BLOW!!!"

"I'll show YOU a small fingerlike organ!"

"Duoden'em, I hardly knew him"



Thank you folks I'll be here all week.




hot sexy appendix jokes babes appendix jokes free iphone appendix jokes dirty appendix jokes funny appendix jokes geneology appendix jokes Mitt Romney appendix jokes free cake appendix jokes.

P.S. I am getting about 13 hits a day right now, let's see if we can get a spike in appendix jokes traffic!

Friday, January 04, 2008

Lazer Quest(ions)

Q: Is there any funner thing that can be did on a Thursday night than to play lazer tag for brothers birthday?

A: Nope

Q: But isn't it kind of dorky?

A: Yup

Q: Surely there is a funner thing to do, isn't there?

A: Not unless there is a game called lazer french-out.

Q: "French out" that sounds gross. Do you have any suggestions for making innocuous forms of affection sound gross?

A: Good question. Yes, if you want to make some form of affection sound gross, make it a gerund (or past participle) then add a direction: (french kiss =frenching up ex: I totally got frenched up last night, hugging = front hugging ex: I am really into front hugging these days).

Q: Does Michelle Hoon have a grosser version

A: Yup, but I will let her tell it.

Q: Are you some sort of perv.

A: No, it just sounds like it, most of my friends think I am a prude, I blush when I walk by a women's underwear store.

Q: nerd

A: that's not really a question now is it?

Q: Ah hah, the questioner has become the question-ed. HOW D'YOU LIKE ME NOW!?!?

A: I like you just fine.

Q: Do you have any pictures that you have took that demonstrate your patriotism?

A:
Q: I question your patriotism.

A: Well then I guess we know who your uncle is not (Sam).

Q: Happy New year?

A: whatevs.