Tuesday, February 27, 2007


I went to the Jim last night (I have decided that if I call the Gym, "Jim" perhaps we will become friends). It was the first time I had ever been to a Jim. Did you know that they have machines that help you run in place!?!?! Walking into a Jim for your first time is embarrassing. But I am not quite sure why. I think that people will know that I don't know what I am doing here and laugh at my lack of exercises. Also, what does one wear? If I am going to do exercise, I usually wear my crappiest clothes (like that time when I did a push-up, I wore my TMBG shirt with the stretched out collar and sweatpants, but who wears sweatpants in public?). I thought to pay it no-nevermind, but driving up I had the thought, "What will these people think of me, these are people that CARE about how they look, and manifest it by doing unpleasant things, repeatedly (reps) to make themselves look better."

What I found is that all cultural norms are out the window inside a Jim. So far I don't know all the rules yet, but "no eye contact" seems to be an important one. I find this to be a rather difficult one though. Usually, upon meeting someone, I like to touch my eyeball to theirs. It is an intimate handshake, and nothing can bind you to someone like shared ocular fluid.

Anyway, they frown on that sort of thing there.

So I ran in place for about half an hour and thought about the exchange of commerce that had taken place*:

Me: "Hey I would like to run in place"

Jim: "Well that is going to cost you."

Me:"How much?"

Jim:"More than is comfortable"

Me:"Well maybe I will just run in place at home, that seems to be pretty free."

Jim:"Well at home do you have TV while you run in place?"


Jim:"But we have MANY tv's, all with closed captioning. You can watch David Letterman, while scanning the news AND listen to your ipod."

Me:"My ipod got stoled in Guatemala, haven't you been reading my blog?"

Jim:"Sorry, I don't read blogs, I lift them repeatedly and in different motions to target different muscle groups. But that is beside the point. Why don't you give me lots of money so you can come here and run in place."

Me:"I am not so sure."

Jim:"Listen, as an added benefit I will have a lot of people come in here with big muscles so that you feel more awkward. I can also arrange to have a guy that looks way more out of shape then you run next to you on the treadmill, but here is the kicker. When you are done running, he will just keep on running and running, so you will know how far behind you are."

Me:"Okay, I am listening."

Jim:"And just for you, you can now have a newfound sense of guilt, when you are sitting around, doing nothing (you usually call this "enjoying life") you can now feel guilty. Here I will give you a freebee: 'You know, you should really work out more'"

Me:"I remember when a girl said that to me once. Good times!"

Jim:"Well you really should, especially if you want girls to want you for you 'bod'.'"

Me: "Do people still say 'bod'?"

Jim: "Some people. (Gym people)."

Me:"Well I have one more question. Will they allow me to wear my white fleshy legs while I run in place."

Jim:"We kind of expect it."


*This exchange didn't actually take place. My awesome company bought us all corporate passes (for a reasonable rate, I might add). Everyone in the world seems to be working out these days, so I thought I would join them.

Thursday, February 15, 2007


Trials always make us stronger, especially if it is a "Time Trial" that you have to work-out a bunch for.

(Although this is not necessarily the case if it is a murder trial and you spend a lot of time in your jail cell or sitting next to your lawyer while he whispers things into your ear. Unless he is whispering things like "you need to workout more")

so the moral of this story is that I am going to get a membership to a gym,
and never go (other than the first time).

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


So I was at a party t'other day (as is my wont) and a young fellow pointed out a problem with the Sunkist(tm) brand beverage, more specifically, their packaging to whit:

The label doesn't actually say "Sunkist" it says "Sinkist". Really, he was right, it says SINkist right on the can. I dare you to find a "u" therein. The "i" is even dotted (by an errant splash of deliciousness). Before any of you righteous get oe'r offended (as is your wont betimes). I thought I would point out that we are perfectly okay with the last part spelling "kissed" as "kist". We have been accepting this for years and have said naught but "neh".

Then I walk into Taco Bell (I know, I know) and notice that you can get some sort of extreme "stuft" burrito. With all of this text msg-ingI think we are slowly evolving towards a race of people with naught but opposable thumbs. How ironic, those same phalanges that separate us from the beast will soon be our only finger.

thumbs up.

So I don't know where to take the rest of this joke. I thought I could take it to a diatribe about how it is Valentime again and I don't got nobody to love. But this is not really a depressing thought, not as depressing as the textual illiteracy that is besetting our nation.

Actually, this has not been that great of a month for a lot of reasons. How can I count the ways? Well, it started off with my Mother's cancer diagnosis, and progressed through my hearing loss and subsequent MRI where there was a chance that I had a tumor in my brain that caused some permanent hearing loss. I spent an hour alone in a large magnetic tube with no one to hold my ankle. Then my good friend's brother was kidnapped in Iraq, then just last week I was robbed in Guatemala where they not only stole my laptop, my camera and my ipod, but they also got my sketchbook, all of my personal photos from last year, and my notes from the documentary I am currently working on. Oh yeah, they also stole about $50,000 worth of Camera and gear for our documentary. So it has kind of been a crummy month. But here is the thing.

Are you ready for the thing?

Okay here is the thing (as promised)
It looks like the insurance should cover our camera. My homeowners insurance is going to cover most of my personal possessions that were stolen. My buddy's brother, Will, is now safe and sound with family and I didn't have a tumor. My mother's tumor is responding incredibly well to chemo and has very good outlook for a long term recovery. On top of that there are easily half-dozens of people that love me, or at least like me. PLUS with my job I get to go to places like Guatemala. I have a job doing the type of stuff I like to do. I have (more than) plenty to eat, a house, fine roommates who are both pleasant, enjoyable as well as much more tidy than I am. Also, my friend Emily made me a fantastic scarf as consolation. I am wearing it right now (while I write this, not while you read this, at least probably not while you read this).

On top of that, I have eaten some really delicious cookies this month.

So on top of all of that I have been to third world countries where I have been able to see and meet people, who in their best year can only envy my worst.

So to sum this up in the most saccharine way possible. I have plenty to complain about, but really I have no business complaining that this Valentine's day I haven't been kist, especially since all year long I have already been so thoroughly blest.