Race for the Cure

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Does anyone know of a cure (or treatment) for social lethargy? I am pretty sure simply watching Battlestar Gallactica isn't the cure, but I don't think I can know that for a fact without trying.

Also, does anyone know of a site where I can download a good backrub?

I would really appreciate it if my fans would help me out with this.

Nutraceuticals

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I want to start and MLM and sell health supplements.

My first product will be called NutraBurger.

Handsome New Year

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My new years resolution was going to be "Be with more handsome people", but that is kind of impossible.

If anyone is looking for someone to stand around looking handsome, I am available for parties and whatnot. To answer the questions that you are forming, yes, that IS velvet, and NO you won't be disappointed.

Happy New Year

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So far here are my new years resolutions:

1. Sit down one night and write some New Years resolutions. Choose a night when you can be alone, just you and your quest for resolutions, and maybe a nice cup of hot cocoa (use that new recipe that you just invented that uses chocolate pudding and melted symphony bars). Get your room all cleaned up for this (laundry IN the baskets), because you can't set goals in a mess. Choose the goals that will really make your life better, stretch you and get you going. Make them meaningful yet not overly sombre. Really spend some time with this, I mean this is your year, but at the same time don't get to serious. Make them attainable yet ambitious (you don't need another year of "become an astronaut" to haunt you the year through, and you know "eat a tuna fish sandwich once a month" only leaves but the hollowest of victories). Use some nice paper for this and keep it in a special place so that you won't lose it, but also keep it in a place so you can review it often. Share the goal with someone important so they will make you accountable, but no one that is going to be a jerk about it when you don't do enough push-ups or haven't really been that good at keeping your room clean (to their standards). Maybe have a theme, like you do for summers. Have a couple of noble-sounding goals that you can tell other people about so they will thing you are noble and a couple of flippant ones that will make you seem delightfully insouciant. Set goals to use words that will impress/intimidate others. Make this year about other people, and how you can get other people to do stuff for you. Write these down with an elegant pen (maybe first draft in pencil). Use one of those micron pigment pens that don't fade so that you can always remember them or maybe just a Bic roundstick so you can write them fast. Either way remember the good paper, or better yet, put them in the front of a book. Nothing says "permanent" like a blank book (except diamonds, but c'mon, I don't have a lazer pen). Don't put it at the front, because when you are in church and doodling a picture of the bishop shooting lazers and that cute girl wants to look at your other sketches flips through and sees one of your goals is "Catch up on Battlestar Gallactica, figure out how to get number 6's phone number", so maybe write that in code, or Klingon. When you are done with the writing, sign and date it.

2. take a nap (from all the resolution making)

Inventions

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So I am always inventing stuff. Stuff to make life better, or at least a little more delicious. I shouldn't write about these things because they will make me a millionaire if I just make them myself (see also: t.v. show ideas). Instead, I will give them out like a modern day robbing hood, stealing ideas from the geniuses (me) and giving them to the mentally poor (you).

Idea number 1: Pie Cake

Yeah, I know, brilliant huh? If you are wondering what it is, then you are indeed poor-of-mind. Pie cake is basically a cake with a pie baked right inside. People are always asking me "Hey guy, what do you like more, pie or cake." well, this solves that problem. Also, it presents new challenges as you figure out which pies go with which cakes. The coconut-cream-pie-in-a-german-chocolate cake is a slamdunk (see Michael Jordan), but think about a cherry pie in a rich double chocolate cake? or apple pie in a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting?

Are you catching the vision?

Yes?

well good luck getting a pie into a cake.
(actually I have invented a [genius] way to get a pie into a cake and if you want it you will have to send me five dollars).


Idea 2: Bacon Butter

This idea has been floating around for some time. It is as simple as it is deliciously bad for your heart. it is kind of a breakfast butter, to add protein to your morning toast, but there are so many uses!!!! Some have heard of this idea. basically it is butter with bacon crumbles right inside.

think of what you could baste with this!!!

Idea 3: Troughies (TM)

There is another business idea for this one, it is essentially a restaurant that bases itself around several long tables where patrons (you) come in and eat from a mutual trough containing the cereal of choice. It will bring people together on the topics that really unite them (lucky charms or cracklin' oat bran?). Plus, mutual trough of milk.

If you want chocolate milk, there will be a spigot at the end of the "cocoa krispies" trough, except we won't call it a "spigot" because, gross. It will be called a "fun nozzle".

also, don't get Troughies(TM) confused with Trophies* next door. It is a sports bar where you all drink beer out of the same trophies. You get a free t-shirt if you and your "party" (get it) can drink a whole "stanley cup" of beer.

Idea 4: Clear Armor

I have an idea for a suit of armor made out of plexiglass, but I don't think I should mention it because I bet it'd get pretty sweaty in there and that would gross out people that are watching you and trying to eat from their troughs.

Idea 5: Video Game

How 'bout a game that makes you more socially adept?


















*a fully owned subsidiary of Troughies International.

Thank Goodness for Thanksgiveness

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Things I am thankful for: (In no particular order)

high-fives (the comeback)
hearty oatmeal
Mom and Dad
Hobo lore
the collected poems of Ogden Nash
backflips, and the people who do them
jet-planes
the "slamdunk"
micron pigment pens
pigmies
cougars (and pumas)
warm laundry
"the ladies"
movie theater popcorn
hot cocoa
Owen and Olivia (and Morgan)
cold cocoa that has been heated up
the "web"
digital photography
things that are awesome (both old and new)
blind dates
deaf dates
dates
figs
wigs
pigs
pigs in a blanket
wool blankets (for the poor)
wheelchair athletes
New York Doll
miniature pony's
scabs
"Shame On" signs, and the people that hold them
barbecue sauce
Arbby- Q sauce
frozen custard
pies, in the face or in the mouth
pie cake
sad clowns
swimming pools
The Waffle House (the awful house)
brilliant ideas
that video for "i'm from Barcelona" where the guy's tie changes
crushes
melancholy
"getting over it"
fish tacos (the good kind)
Massaman Curry
a good backscratch
the sunlight through the window in my front room when it hits my shoulder before a nap
people at my house
Battle Star Galactica
the idea that a pan can punch through steel
memories of youth
hopes for future
the fleeting moment that is now
Akira Kurosawa
machines that quietly hum
the Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Shatner
Teaching Sunday School
a job
holy writ
The Honey Bunch of Oats
seeing "Jeremy McGuire"
the fact that CarriDee will be on for at least one more week
Zhang Yimou
that DeVotchka concert
stolen glance
that painting
Ben's print
friends that found love
online drama
Jet Blue
the prospect of Christmas
Sufjan Stevens 'Christmas Album
Thurl Bailey's Christmas Album
Sweet Potato casserole
naps on the carpet
Kids that think you are a "pony" or a "rocket ship"
the decline of Jessica Simpson's carreer
fire pits
the canyons
the sea
Lake Powell
Emmerson Lake and Palmer (just for the song "touch and go")
the word "probate"
lack of colostomy bags
less kidney stones this year (when compared with last)
church
Blue Kitchen
Friends that will go to movies with me
little gifts
the Wasatch Fault and the portent of our doom (just the portent, not the doom)
Steven Greenstreet
Books
scribbled poetry, never-to-be-read by the object thereof.
sighs
that millisecond after a sneeze
a scratched itch
sweet relief
sweet relish
relishing the moment
momentary bliss
blistek
carmex
Karma Chameleon (not so much)
trained dolphins
sharks that are unaware of the skill and cunning of a trained dolphin
scuba knifes strapped about the ankle
harpoon guns
hope
faith
charity
movies that end with "The END?"


the END?

The Dark Continent

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So I went to a land ripe for comedy: Ghana

I found out that jokes about lepers are somewhat less funny when you have spent time in a leper colony.

Anyway, here are some pictures from my trip:

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Mathematics Et Cetera: Pechrifyd

I got to be in this little music video as a sad clown. It was done in some spare time a week or so ago.

Hate Crimes

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I wonder if my feelings for the E! channel will make me a criminal.

PEN PALS!!!

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So I guess I have a new pen pal. I got this letter from Mrs. Elizabeth Coleman. She seems like a sensible sort:

GOOD DAY,

It may come suprice of receiving this my letter but
dont be suprice i need a help from you,
I am Mrs.Elizabeth Coleman from Ivory Coast. I am a
widow being that I lost my husband a couple of months
ago. My husband was a serving director of the Cocoa
exporting board until his death.

He was assassinated last january by the rebels
following the political  uprising. Before his death he
had an account here in Cote d, Ivoire up to the
tune of $7.5m (SEVEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND
UNITED STATE DOLLAR) which he told the bank was for
the importation of cocoa processing machine.

I want you to do me a favour to receive this funds to
a safe account in your country or any safer place as
the beneficiary. I have plans to do investment in your
country, like real estate and industrial production.
This is my reason for writing to you. Please if you
are willing to assist me and my only son Franck,
indicate your interest in replying soonest.

N/B note that all the necessary document use in
deposit are with me and also asurering you that there
is100%risk free in this transaction.
PLEASE KINDLY REPLY ME WITH THIS MY DIRECT
EMAIL(eliz_coleman2002@yahoo.fr)

Thanks and best regards
Mrs.Elizabeth Coleman






Okay Mrs. Coleman, I am in. This is how I replied:

Dear Mrs. Coleman,

I was very suprice to get your letter. I now that sometimes these letter is not true, so please send me a picture of you and your son so I know that this letter is true. Please in your picture, be eating waffles, so I know that you take the picture for me and not from the internet.

These times are difficult in Affrica, what is it like there? do you have servants?

I talked to my bank and they said my bank account is biggest enough to hold your money. Please send pictures and money soon!

also, do I get a chocolate for helping in this adventure.

Sincerlely,

Mister Jamison Concorde




I hope she don't mind that I used someone elses real name instead of my own.

Tragedy: The Internet

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Statistics don't lie. Sure they embelish, but they don't lie. Do you know what statistics are saying RIGHT NOW! If you you listen closely you can hear their tiny tinny voices telling us that the two most common uses of the internet are for 1. pornography and 2. geneology. This is a tragedy.

To some, this tragedy is obvious, but to me it is such a sad image. You see if you are doing one of the most common things on the internet you are bound to run into the other. I imagine a kind old pornographer stumbling on an errant geneology email and now he fritters away the waning hours of his perverted little life trying to create family trees.

so tragic.

New Television Programming

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Here is a pretty good idea for a TV show:

You take a wayward celebrity, like maybe Paris Hilton, and with the help of some of his friends (accomplices) you "set them up" like they are going on a hike or something up the mountain. When they go up hiking though, they stop to take a break and people start pulling out notepads and radios and then they all start listening to LDS General conference.

Later, at her baptism, Ryan Gosling or maybe Ricky Schroder* comes in wearing a wayward baseball cap, and they are all: "You just got Church'd!" And then Paris gets all upset and then flips off the camera (but with the fake birdie finger, 'cause in the third discussion she learned that the real birdie is a sin).

I think this could be a big hit. I also have to give someone else partial credit for the idea. If this show "hits" I will give them a "from an idea by" credit.







*we can work out the specific casting details later, but whoever it is, they will have to wear a wayward baseball cap.

it's been a while

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I know there are literally two of you out there who have wondered where I have been, or have not cared where I have been, but wished that I would write something so they could burn 1.8 minutes* on this page instead of working.

But here is the thing. I often don't have much to say.

Also, sometimes I wonder if it is "okay". Fortunately for that last post I don't know anyone who survived or died that one day. Sometimes I have a joke about church stuff, but then I think about reverence.

So I have adopted a new philosophy. If I am worried about whether or not a joke is reverent enough, I will type it silently with my arms folded. there, solves everything.


Anybody know something funny?





*the average

7-11

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9-11 is kind of like 7-11, except instead of slurpees, you get a horrible tragedy.

Welcome to Havanna

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This weekend I saw Cuba Gooding Jr. He was in Salt Lake at the Greek Festival. My friends were all, "take a picture." But I didn't.

I guess I am just not that excited about seeing Jeremy McGuire.

Knee Fight

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So I was on "LDSlinkup" the other day. You know one of those networking places where you can keep in touch with old friends from wards and such. That place has loads of mormons on it.

So anyway, I got a "quicknote" from a guy named KneeFight3 that simply said, "Get your home storage ready". I thought this was kind of funny so I tried to find his account and add him "as friend" but when I did a search it said "user not found". So basically he vanished.

I just wanted to share this story because it proves that even over the internet, the church is true.

Goal

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I don't want this to be a blog that people pass on their way to other blogs. I don't want this to be a blog where they get links for all the other hot blogs.


I am thinking, this is more of a "destination blog".

Now I just need to figure out how to serve Pina Coladas over the internet.

Technical difficulties

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Sorry I haven't written to this eJournal for a bit. I have been in Indonesia. I would like to write something right now, but I am having a hard time thinking of good jokes about nations whose populations were decimated by tsunamis.

Do you know any?

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Hello, a lot of you don't know me, my name is Damian, and I am new in this ward.

When the bishop called and asked me to give a talk this week on the 12 article of faith, my first thought was "good, he doesn't want me to do the long article of faith." but then I read it, and my second through seventh thoughts were a bunch of swears. So today, I am going to talk about swears.

"We believe in not saying swears or bad swears."

Websters dictionary defines swears as "Bad swears that you swear at people." President Kimbal once said, "Swears are the evidence of a weak mind trying to express itself swearfully."

I think we shouldn't say bad swears. Some swears aren't bad swears and we probably shouldn't say those swears either, like bastardize, bitchin' and masturbatory. Once a mission companion of mine said that you know you shouldn't say a word if you can't imagine a apostle saying that word. But then I said to him what about the word "Boi oi oi oing". I can't imagine Elder Packard saying that word, but I don't think it is a swear, not even a week swear.

Some times when you read the scriptures you will see swears. These are called Bible swears. It is okay when you read them, but if you read them outloud you will be forgiven only if you get uncomfortable that everyone else in the sunday school class thinks that you are "used to that sort of thing."

Even when you don't say bad swears you should not hear or listen to bad swears in rock and roll or rap. When people say a swear, you shouldn't say anything to them (unless you are there mother). A good way to let people know that they are saying swears is to look at them like they just put a little poop in your brownie. Being dissapointed in people is also a good way to not let swears into your life.

Swears are a bad thing. Sometimes when we say a swear it feels good in our mouth, but that is not Happiness, it is only pleasure. Some people think it is okay to say a swear if you mix it with other words. If you need to say mean things to people you don't need to use swears to say it. You can call them names (like what animals that they look like), point out how unattractive they are, or tell them that you will prolly be a general authority some day. also, if you use a swear in your blog your father or father in law will prolly be disappointed in you. So don't.

Remember that swears don't make you tough, they just make you sweary.
I know that if we learn to not say swears or bad swears and only use bible swears in class and not when people cut us off we will be better people.


Amen.

P.S. Dad, I never really say swears.

Journal(ism) now in cinemascope

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This blog is not about me,

it is about my ability to make bad jokes. But sometimes this desire to make jokes collides with the real world. Not this real world:



but the real real world. A world where we struggle for life and leisure and desparately try to figure out who is the boss of whom.

So the other weekend I bought a camera, and the other other weekend (the more recent of the two), some friends got together.

not these friends:


These Friends



and also these friends




and we packed up in a large gas swilling vehicle and went to visit Mona.

not this Mona:




this Mona:



(I'm sorry, the other mona was a bit of a stretch)


So we had a pretty good time


we actually had a great time





who am I kidding, it was nigh on a religious experience it was so good!



Some people might tell you different (that it was only the best thing of the summer instead of the best thing of a lifetime). But don't trust people with bad hair lakes.



anyway, by the time the swamp thing showed up, it was about time to go



So went to find someplace to eat.
We first saw this place


but we decided to eat someplace else




Actually we didn't even eat at that someplace else, we ate at this someplace else


and the food was delicious and greasy


I know what you are thinking: "Oh dear!" They had SO much fun.

Oh deer is right!


Who's the boss now?