Wednesday, September 10, 2008

eCouches dot com

If you know me, then you probably know "Big Blue" the old family couch that made its way into my basement. Well I tried to get modern and I bought a new couch. With so many couches in my house now (I count 4), I figured I should get rid of one and as much as I will miss Big Blue (AKA Bluey, or "The Snuggler"), I decided I should sell him.

What better way to sell things than with the internets. Basically it is the "net" of computers and you can use your computers to look at my computers. It's all kinds of complicated, but anywho, I put up an advertisement on Facedbook. You can see it here.

I got one interested party, but it was a hassle to be at home when they wanted to pick it up ('cause lazy) plus I have stadium seating in my basement now. So I didn't sell it, but the ad(vertisement) has been up for months. Then out of the blue I started getting e.mails (electro-mails) offering to buy. This thing has been up for months and the emails look a little fishy, so I decided to respond. I know there are professionals that do this much better than I do, but I thought I'd let you folks in on my eCommunications on the eInternet.

Letter number one:

Here it is if you hate to read pictures:

Initially i will like you to email me back to this email address now,
kelly_wilson505@yahoo.com
I'm ok with the price for the item. I'll be using this opportunity to let you understand that you'll be receiving the payment in mode of check from my client and the amount you'll be receiving will be more than the item fees. Like i told you i'm purchasing on behalf of my client and the excess payment is my own commission with the money i'll need to pay for our shipping company. So i want you to promise me that you are so honest to deduct just the amount for the item and send the excess money through westernunion as soon as you receive the payment from my client. The payment will be sent immediately you agree with me to deduct just the amount for the item and send the balance through any WESTERN UNION OFFICE well known to you and you'll be receiving it the next day. &n bsp; one more time i want you to get back to me with this email addreess to day **omitted**

There won't be any problem about the shippment. I'll be handling that with my DHL# so i want you to get back to me asap now with your full mailing information. Email me your full name, address and phone# now if you agree and assure me that you'll deduct just the amount for the item and send the balance through WESTERN UNION so that the payment can be sent immediately.
Notice i want you to go and end the auction for me i would end it by my self but i dont know i to do it if u can do that for me i will adding $10 to your payment
Here is the email addreess yiou have to email me back now
kelly_wilson505@yahoo.com

Below are the questions i have for you.

1)is the item in good condition?

2)is any WESTERN UNION location where you can send the balance money arround you?

3)can you make sure you get the payment cashed at your bank the same day you receive it?

4)can you allow me to send DHL for the pick up and complete the transaction the day you receive the check?

If yes to all my questions, kindly email me back your full name, address and mobile# asap today

i want you to email me your full name and addreess
YOU CAN EMAIL ME BACK TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS NOW
**omitted**
Thanks,

My response:
Can you pay for this item with gold dubloons? I'd appreciate it if you could pay for this item in gold dubloons as I have decided to move towards the gold standard. You can deliver them however you want but preferably in a small burlap sack with an "$" on the side (I prefer the "$" with two lines through it if possible :))

thanx! (you will love this couch!!!)
____________

The day before I got this message:
RESPONSE TO THIS MESSAGE SHOULD BE SENT TO (paulsmth7610@gmail.com)

Hello I'm paul smiths, I hail from Canada in ottawa city, I came across your advert and am highly interested in Purchasing your ($50 - Big Blue, the warm embrace of a sectional couch) which you offer for sale.I Due to the fact that its been a long time have been searching for it, Please Kindly get back to me as soon as possible with the necessary answers to the question in mind, Are you the first owner? The present condition? Your final asking price?And I will also like you to send me Pictures to enable me view what I intend to purchase and i will like you to know that my form of payment is through a Certified Check or a USPS Money Order ..I await your urgent response so that we can proceed further.

RESPONSE TO THIS MESSAGE SHOULD BE SENT TO (**omitted**)

Regards
Paul


my response:

okay, this sounds fine and acceptable.

There will be a minor transaction fee. I will pay you with a transfer from western union. Also, I will take 20$ off the price of the couch, there is some slight discoloration from blood stains. Don't worry most of it is gone and you CANNOT get any DNA evidence from it.

YOU WILL LOVE THIS COUCH!!! It is good for cuddling, snuggling and even taking naps. the stains that I mentioned earlier DO NOT SMELL AT ALL! and you will still sleep soundly.

I look forward to working with you!!!!

7 comments:

Rich said...

If he really does deliver the gold in a bag with a "$" on the outside then I think the first thing you should buy is a top hat and a monocle.

joy said...

so funny. "the stains ... do not smell AT ALL." what a great way to get awesome new spam.

Lee said...

I just read this and it straight KILLED me. Good thing it was a loud moment at work to cover my wheezing.

Gold dubloons.

Carmen said...

what is that smell then?

ram said...

I am now your friend.

See you in Nigeria.

Anonymous said...

I received a very similar written email from Paul Smith regarding a car I had for sale. Thought you would enjoy my response.

-----

Hi Paul,

The vehicle is still available. I have been the only owner of the
vehicle. The exterior condition of the vehicle is great. As for ther
interior, there is a sweat stain on the driver's seat caused by my
excessively sweaty ass, minor fecal leakage also. The good news is
that many say they see the image of the Virgin Mary in the stain (you
may have read the story of this on the internet). Other evidence that
the vehicle is blessed is because absolutley no odor emits from the
stain. Unfortunately, due these circumstances I am forced to list the
car at auction where it is estimated it will go in the millions.

I will send you more information when the car is listed.



----- Original Message -----
From: "Facebook" notification+ker2sesa@facebookmail.com
Sent: Wednesday, September 24, 2008 8:12 AM


RESPONSE TO THIS MESSAGE SHOULD BE SENT TO (paulsmth7610@gmail.com)

Hello I'm paul smiths, I hail from Canada in ottawa city, I came
across your advert and am highly interested in Purchasing your
(vehicle) which you offer for sale.I Due to the fact that its been a
long time have been searching for it, Please Kindly get back to me as
soon as possible with the necessary answers to the question in mind,
Are you the first owner? The present condition? Your final asking
price?And I will also like you to send me Pictures to enable me view
what I intend to purchase and i will like you to know that my form of
payment is through a Certified Check or a USPS Money Order ..I await
your urgent response so that we can proceed further.

RESPONSE TO THIS MESSAGE SHOULD BE SENT TO (paulsmth7610@gmail.com)

Regards
Paul

LanaBanana said...

Damian...wow. Porter and I had a good long, tear-wiping laugh over this post. I wish we would have had you sitting here when we were dealing with a similar "buyer" through craigslist. Your response would have been so appropriate!!