LITTLE PEOPLE "humor"
Okay, I don't think that little people should be an object of ridicule. They are normal people who happen to be short, but I have an acquaintance who is a little person. I would say he is a friend, as we are friendly, but we don't go out for shakes on the weekend or anything. So I don't want to be one of those people who say "I have a friend who is black/gay/werewolf" and then say a racist joke.
This is based on a true story.
So anyway, I was speaking to him about the term "Midg@t", asking him if that is an acceptable term. To which his reply was, "No for us (meaning "our people") the term "M!dget" is like the word "N!#&$"".
So I want to be careful with this tidbit of knowledge. But then I find out about "little people" conventions, and I wonder if they are walking around the convention hall all "Whassup my M!dgets!?" and, "M!dget what!" "M!dget please!" and slapping high* fives with their little fingers?
I've gone to far, haven't I?
So anyway, now you know what it is like to spend any amount of time with me. I am a lame-humored anti-midgite (I am not really an anti midgite, I really do love their people, they are so good with chocolate).
I hope nobody ever reads this forevermore.
*not that "high"
Monday, July 31, 2006
NEW POST NEW POST
I hate it when you are bored and looking for something to do (always) so you check the blog circuit and they all say the same thing they said five minutes ago.
But I have decided that I won't fall victim to my adoring public (both of you).
No siree, no way José*, I just won't do it.
*Did I ever tell you about the time that I met José Conseco and I got to see him in nothing but his unders and a tank top and he walked right over to a platter full of deli meats and just ate them by the pinchful? I should tell you about it sometime.
But I have decided that I won't fall victim to my adoring public (both of you).
No siree, no way José*, I just won't do it.
*Did I ever tell you about the time that I met José Conseco and I got to see him in nothing but his unders and a tank top and he walked right over to a platter full of deli meats and just ate them by the pinchful? I should tell you about it sometime.
Friday, July 21, 2006
**MOVIES**
I have an idea about a movie.
This movie will star Steve Guttenberg and it will be about back when he was at the top of his career. Then along came "Three Men and a Little Lady" and on his break he would play one on one on one basketball with his costars. Ted Danson would always stuff him and do mad layups over hisself and made him feel bad. So anyway, this guy disappears off of the radar for a few moments and works really hard on basketball. He realizes, due in part to his size, that he will never be an offensive force, so he develops a new style of defense (I don't want to ruin the ending, but suffice it to say, it involves a lot of "hustling").
He uses his new "style" to coach a ragtag bunch of youngsters (one kid says the most inappropriate things) to the district championship, also he learns how to read.
the name of the movie:
The Guttenberg Press
(I apologize that it took SO long to set up that joke).
This movie will star Steve Guttenberg and it will be about back when he was at the top of his career. Then along came "Three Men and a Little Lady" and on his break he would play one on one on one basketball with his costars. Ted Danson would always stuff him and do mad layups over hisself and made him feel bad. So anyway, this guy disappears off of the radar for a few moments and works really hard on basketball. He realizes, due in part to his size, that he will never be an offensive force, so he develops a new style of defense (I don't want to ruin the ending, but suffice it to say, it involves a lot of "hustling").
He uses his new "style" to coach a ragtag bunch of youngsters (one kid says the most inappropriate things) to the district championship, also he learns how to read.
the name of the movie:
The Guttenberg Press
(I apologize that it took SO long to set up that joke).
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Calculus
I have learned that the quality of the food at a mexican restaurant is inversely proportional to the quantity of decoration in the establishment.
Restaurant A:
Decoration: it has sombreros on the wall and panchos as tapestries and paper mache everythings.
Food: Covered in melted cheddar on an oblong plate with canned refried beans.
Restaurant B:
Decoration: some phone cards and maybe a calendar with the Virgen de Guadalupe.
Food: Awesome.
Restaurant A:
Decoration: it has sombreros on the wall and panchos as tapestries and paper mache everythings.
Food: Covered in melted cheddar on an oblong plate with canned refried beans.
Restaurant B:
Decoration: some phone cards and maybe a calendar with the Virgen de Guadalupe.
Food: Awesome.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
No Whey Hose A.
I met Jose Conseco yesterday.
At the end of the day, despite a chance to interview him and "hang", I felt like a failure because I never had the chance to say, "No Way Jose", even though that was my main goal. I was feeling sullen and blue and then I realized, I am not a failure, when I am old and withered I can tell my offspring, "Child, your grandad once met a real live American Gladiator. " and the kid will be like, "whatevs, oldster" and fly away on his hoverboard.
but I will know. I will know.
At the end of the day, despite a chance to interview him and "hang", I felt like a failure because I never had the chance to say, "No Way Jose", even though that was my main goal. I was feeling sullen and blue and then I realized, I am not a failure, when I am old and withered I can tell my offspring, "Child, your grandad once met a real live American Gladiator. " and the kid will be like, "whatevs, oldster" and fly away on his hoverboard.
but I will know. I will know.
Friday, June 30, 2006
A new show.
It's called "Found" and it is about this plane that arrives on time to this mythical island. It is kind of like "Lost" and has beautiful people in it and interesting back stories, but at the end of the season, it makes sense.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
making the most of your summer
So every summer has a theme, whether you know it or not. We discovered this many a year ago at the end of a summer full of frosty mugs that is heretofor known as "the rootbeer summer". Since that time there has been many a fine summer:
Rootbeer Summer
Summer of Fun
Summer of Play
Summer of Love (most disappointing summer EVER)
Summer of Awesome
Winter of Vengence
This summer there were many fine competitors: Summer of Bacon (think Kevin), The Summer of ROCK ('cept there weren't that many concerts coming), The Teenage Summer (which I know many have adopted, but I am 30 so coming from me it just sounds pervy). But instead we decided to go Multi-Level with this muther:
The Highly Effective Summer (set your 7 habits NOW!)
we have a website and everything. I am not going to give you a link, that would be easy. Just google it, I am sure you will find it.
The idea is that if you really want to have fun, you need some focus, some goals and whatnot.
There is even a powerpoint presentation, and there will soon be a T-shirt.
In retrospect though, it sounds like a kind of bland summer, but I guess that is the attitude of a whiner and a giver-upper (which I am not). Sure there are more epic summers to come, but I ain't even giving up on this one.
Rootbeer Summer
Summer of Fun
Summer of Play
Summer of Love (most disappointing summer EVER)
Summer of Awesome
Winter of Vengence
This summer there were many fine competitors: Summer of Bacon (think Kevin), The Summer of ROCK ('cept there weren't that many concerts coming), The Teenage Summer (which I know many have adopted, but I am 30 so coming from me it just sounds pervy). But instead we decided to go Multi-Level with this muther:
The Highly Effective Summer (set your 7 habits NOW!)
we have a website and everything. I am not going to give you a link, that would be easy. Just google it, I am sure you will find it.
The idea is that if you really want to have fun, you need some focus, some goals and whatnot.
There is even a powerpoint presentation, and there will soon be a T-shirt.
In retrospect though, it sounds like a kind of bland summer, but I guess that is the attitude of a whiner and a giver-upper (which I am not). Sure there are more epic summers to come, but I ain't even giving up on this one.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Jokes, an appendix
So I have the sense of humor of your grandpa. Not everyone's grandpa, just yours. I have some decent jokes that get a lot of traction, and I find that once I get an acceptable reaction that I use it again and again and again.
So, anywhoo, I thought if you wanted to know what it is like to interact with me on a regular basis, You can justs read here. I will use this blog to publish my time worn jokes that are so old I doubt Grandma Moses remembers them. Keep in mind, these jokes are NOT funny, but they help out in social situations with the aged or those whom you hometeach.
ahem,
MEETING PEOPLE "Humor"
Q: So what are you up to?
A: About 180 pounds.
Q:How are you?
A: I can't complain...
...because of throat cancer.
MY DATING LIFE "Humor"
(because I am a single mormon, all adult mormons want to talk to me about this)
Q:So how are the ladies treating you?
A: like a baby treats a diaper.
(this joke I stole from Norm on Cheers, there the secret is out).
Q:So when are you getting married? (ha HA!)
A: July 1st, could you recomend a girl because I have reserved the reception hall and everything, preferably one that is okay with "eclairs" as our refreshment.
Q:So why aren't you married yet?
A: I am just waiting for the right girl to find me, and I wish she'd start looking a little harder.
SUNBURN "Humor"
(my skin is so sensitive that I get burnt if I even have a bright idea).
Q: Ouch, you look sunburned.
A: I'm not sunburned, I'm just REALLY embarassed.
Q:Ouch, does that hurt
A: Not as much as the kidney stone I am passing right now.
(Author's note: I did pass a kidney stone once, "Congratulations, you have just given birth to a grape-nut.")
So, anywhoo, I thought if you wanted to know what it is like to interact with me on a regular basis, You can justs read here. I will use this blog to publish my time worn jokes that are so old I doubt Grandma Moses remembers them. Keep in mind, these jokes are NOT funny, but they help out in social situations with the aged or those whom you hometeach.
ahem,
MEETING PEOPLE "Humor"
Q: So what are you up to?
A: About 180 pounds.
Q:How are you?
A: I can't complain...
...because of throat cancer.
MY DATING LIFE "Humor"
(because I am a single mormon, all adult mormons want to talk to me about this)
Q:So how are the ladies treating you?
A: like a baby treats a diaper.
(this joke I stole from Norm on Cheers, there the secret is out).
Q:So when are you getting married? (ha HA!)
A: July 1st, could you recomend a girl because I have reserved the reception hall and everything, preferably one that is okay with "eclairs" as our refreshment.
Q:So why aren't you married yet?
A: I am just waiting for the right girl to find me, and I wish she'd start looking a little harder.
SUNBURN "Humor"
(my skin is so sensitive that I get burnt if I even have a bright idea).
Q: Ouch, you look sunburned.
A: I'm not sunburned, I'm just REALLY embarassed.
Q:Ouch, does that hurt
A: Not as much as the kidney stone I am passing right now.
(Author's note: I did pass a kidney stone once, "Congratulations, you have just given birth to a grape-nut.")
Saturday, June 24, 2006
blog guilt
so I started this, and it was free and everything, but now I have a new guilt, like I should really put something here. I have negleted ye bloggy. Even if no one reads a thing, it scratches at the back of my head.
Maybe I should put some racist jokes up here. That will get them talking!
how about them blacks?
Maybe I should put some racist jokes up here. That will get them talking!
how about them blacks?
Thursday, June 15, 2006
a thing which could be used
A thing which could be used is a nap, by me.
It will last 15 to 20 minutes and give me the strength of 12 well-rested stallions.
If anyone would like to get "in" on this, I am not opposed to the gentle spoon.
It will last 15 to 20 minutes and give me the strength of 12 well-rested stallions.
If anyone would like to get "in" on this, I am not opposed to the gentle spoon.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
a solemn oath
I hereby oath that I will not post fashionable pictures of my friends visiting.
this is not an ideological oath, it is merely an oath that reveals that
I have no fashion
I have no friends
no one wants to visit Murray (unless we are talking about the person, he is a very nice man)
also, I don't own a camera.
I will solemnly keep this oath forever, or until I get a camera, or maybe next week.
this is not an ideological oath, it is merely an oath that reveals that
I have no fashion
I have no friends
no one wants to visit Murray (unless we are talking about the person, he is a very nice man)
also, I don't own a camera.
I will solemnly keep this oath forever, or until I get a camera, or maybe next week.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
a reason for being
Can you believe they cancelled "Manimal". Guys (and girls), he wasn't just a man, he was also part animal. Once he turned into a dolphin, but usually it was just a wolf or some other nonsense.
I guess there were creative problems from the beginning. A lot of "Guys, we need more animal." counterposed with "Whoa whoa whoa, we need more man".
If the viewership could all send pictures of their favorite animals to FOX maybe they will put it back on "the air".
I guess there were creative problems from the beginning. A lot of "Guys, we need more animal." counterposed with "Whoa whoa whoa, we need more man".
If the viewership could all send pictures of their favorite animals to FOX maybe they will put it back on "the air".
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