Friday, July 13, 2012

Understanding the Mormons

Hello, I am a mormon. As you may or may not know, we are having a "moment" right now. You have probably read some news articles about us, they are full of half truths and 3/4 truths and some are like .6 metric truths. Let me make one thing clear: All of us believe exactly the same thing. We are not ALL Republican, we still allow a few Libertarians in, and when Democrats aren't murdering babies, some even vote that way.

Here is a little history about my home town: It was founded by More Mons, there used to be just a few, but now there are More. That is where the name came from, We prefer to be called LDS (pronounced "ELLDS". If you meet a missionary it is his job to make you LDS, so he is and "ELDER"(as in: "That guy is really good at Elding, he made WAY more mons than you. He is a really great Elder"). We don't have female missionaries, because we don't believe in women. In fact I refuse to believe that they exist.

 We will be kind to you, and good neighbors, and help you move, JUST so you think we are good people. We want you to like us.

I know what you are thinking, "Don't Mormons have horns?" I want to let you know that we got rid of those YEARS ago. You may also think, "Don't Mormons have lots of wives", well some of us don't even have one, so back off, I don't really need that pressure right now.

So here are some facts about Mormons: All Mormons live in Utah (pronounced YOU-ta" because we want YOU in it).  We used to pronounce it "Uh-tah" but that just convinced you heathens that we were as dumb as you thought we were. I am kidding, we don't think of you as "heathens", we think of you as "gentiles" or "the Wicked" (Which isn't so bad because my people LOVE musicals).

 You will meet ELDS in almost all parts of life, Politics, ScienceTV (Philo T. Farnsworth invented the TV, and he was a Mormon. I include this fact because his name is awesome) We don't believe the world is flat, we know it. Our top scientists at major universities play along with everyone else until we take over (one day we are going to ELD you ALL).

My Hometown got its name from "The Great Salt Lake", They call it that because the pioneers were liars. The truth is, the lake is not that great. It is big, and it is stinky, but it is NOT great. In the early days we used to call the town "Far from Big Stinky", but that's only because "Big Heathen Pit City" gave people the wrong idea. I mean they though that the city was the heathen pit, when in fact, we would cast the lake was where we cast the heathens, and by "heathens" I mean "the UNELDED"

I know for a fact that the Pioneers were liars because they say that they walked all the way to Utah from Missouri (motto: Missouri Loves Company!) because there was an "Extermination Order" against them. You and I both know that can't be true. First, if you have ever driven through Nebraska you know it is WAY boring, I can barely drive through it, there is now way that the pioneers wouldn't have just gotten bored and stayed at the Best Western. Second, There is NO way that our country would ever allow discrimination against a group of people just because they believed differently, much less call for their "EXTERMINATION". If that's true, then you can convince me that there really is a guy named Philo T. Farnsworth.

Anyway, the full name of our Church is "The Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter-Day Saints". For us, the word "Saint" means that we are absolutely perfect and none of us ever makes mistakes, because "duh" we all believe the exact same thing.


4 comments:

Damian said...

Sarcasm is probably not the best way to share my beliefs. If I could paraphrase one thing that I DO believe it is this. The name of my church is "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints". We don't believe that Saints are perfect beings. I call myself a saint because I believe I am doing my best to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ, and that he makes me a "saint" because of his sacrifice for me. I like to make jokes, but I really do believe in Jesus Christ. You may think of him differently then I do, but I am trying to be a good and kind person, and to be better at loving people, and I do that because of him.

jlj said...

And I thought the Latter-Day was part of the irony. Alas. :)

Damian said...

that part is because if you invite my people to something, they will always arrive Latter.

Aaron S said...

I quite enjoyed this, Damian. Gracias.