Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Burritoship 1.5 stars

Peter Berg did Friday Night Lights, which is pretty incredible in it's subtlety and story telling. It's SO good. So I guess as a film, he wanted to do something completely different.


Battleship, a summary 

Riggins is in a bar then he sees this totally hot chick who wants a burrito, but the microwave won't work, so he goes and steals a burrito. So his brother is like,'Why'd you steal the burrito, you better join the navy." So he joins the navy and gets to be the boss of the guns. They go to this ceremony on the Battleship and he is like "Destroyers are WAY better than battleships" to this kid, but there are also Japanese there to do a practice war. I forgot there was this soccer game between the navies and Japan won, but did a foul to Riggins. So then Riggins gets in a bathroom fight with this Japan guy, but they are like "Whoops I slipped" and the boss of the navy (who is also the hot chicks Dad), is like "You could be AMAZING, but instead you are not" Then they quote homer. Then the navies go to a practice war at Pearl Harbor (which seems like a good idea). But also, some scientists used a satellite to send a message to a space planet, and the ships from that space planet go to earth and go in the ocean. All the ships that is except the radio ship (only one ship can radio) which crashes at Hong Kong. They build a forceshield and all of the practice navies are outside of it except Riggins, his big brother who is making him do Navy, and The japanese guy who did a foul. Whenever they want to use their weapons on the aliens, the aliens can see them, but when they aren't using their guns, they turn green and the aliens don't kill them. Also, a little bit earlier Riggins brother says "Hey riggins, you are probably going to get fired from Navy". (he is a disappointment). The three destroyer ships all get destroyed (irony) except Rigginses ship. He wants vengence, HARD so he is like, "BLAST THEM" except every person on his crew, like Rihanna and Landry, disobeys him and says we need to rescue the people in the water. Then for some reason there is a alien in the ship, with weird thumbs, I think he is from Halo. Then other aliens blast in the ship to rescue him, but they also leave another alien there that is good at punching and changing his hands. Mostly he wants to punch the engine, but after some punching, they get him to come on deck. Then this big canon blows him away (literally). The aliens shoot pegs from the game "battleship" but the pegs blow up SO HARD that it can sink ships. Then there is some more battling where they use buoys to create a grid like the game battleship and they sink the aliens battleship (which is irony right there) so the Japan guy, who comes up with the idea takes over, which shows how riggins gets humility (finally), then Landry tries on the alien helmet and for some reason it makes him think of his lizard, and so they realize the aliens weakeness is sun. so they make the aliens look at the sun and blast them (HARD). But I forgot, also the scientists were on the island and have communication satellites and the hot chick is the only person who can stop the aliens from using the satellites, and her army friend with metal legs who is about to give up. But nope, he doesn't give up, he punches a alien right in his face and then chokes him out with his metal leg. Well the destroyer gets destroyed so the Japan guy is like, "We need a boat", so Riggins remembers the battleship (from the title). But everyone is like, how are we going to drive this boat? and Riggins is like "Old People", Then there are all of these old people in sailor outfits who know a thing or two. Then a montage from A-team happens. When they run out of battleship bullets (real big ones) the only people who can move them are the captain, the japan guy and some old people. Then the battleship does a rail slide (using it's anchor) and the alien can's defeat railslide. But then that trick is done, so I guess it's "game over" Except NOPE! The shield goes down, And some other stuff happens and they beat some of the aliens, maybe all of them. And then they all get awards, even Riggin's dead brother. Hot Chick's dad (Navy Boss) is proud of everyone. But can Riggins mary his daughter ('cause of all the herosim)? NO WAY JOSE! How about burritos?(laugh)

seriously.

THE END?

2 comments:

vfg said...

My favorite: "but nope, he doesn't give up!"

It's been awhile since I've enjoyed anything as muh as this fine summary. I need to drop in on Facebook more often!

Aaron S said...

Thank you for saving me a couple hours. This summary had enough awesomeness, so I don't need to see the movie.