Jim

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I went to the Jim last night (I have decided that if I call the Gym, "Jim" perhaps we will become friends). It was the first time I had ever been to a Jim. Did you know that they have machines that help you run in place!?!?! Walking into a Jim for your first time is embarrassing. But I am not quite sure why. I think that people will know that I don't know what I am doing here and laugh at my lack of exercises. Also, what does one wear? If I am going to do exercise, I usually wear my crappiest clothes (like that time when I did a push-up, I wore my TMBG shirt with the stretched out collar and sweatpants, but who wears sweatpants in public?). I thought to pay it no-nevermind, but driving up I had the thought, "What will these people think of me, these are people that CARE about how they look, and manifest it by doing unpleasant things, repeatedly (reps) to make themselves look better."

What I found is that all cultural norms are out the window inside a Jim. So far I don't know all the rules yet, but "no eye contact" seems to be an important one. I find this to be a rather difficult one though. Usually, upon meeting someone, I like to touch my eyeball to theirs. It is an intimate handshake, and nothing can bind you to someone like shared ocular fluid.

Anyway, they frown on that sort of thing there.

So I ran in place for about half an hour and thought about the exchange of commerce that had taken place*:

Me: "Hey I would like to run in place"

Jim: "Well that is going to cost you."

Me:"How much?"

Jim:"More than is comfortable"

Me:"Well maybe I will just run in place at home, that seems to be pretty free."

Jim:"Well at home do you have TV while you run in place?"

Me:"yeah"

Jim:"But we have MANY tv's, all with closed captioning. You can watch David Letterman, while scanning the news AND listen to your ipod."

Me:"My ipod got stoled in Guatemala, haven't you been reading my blog?"

Jim:"Sorry, I don't read blogs, I lift them repeatedly and in different motions to target different muscle groups. But that is beside the point. Why don't you give me lots of money so you can come here and run in place."

Me:"I am not so sure."

Jim:"Listen, as an added benefit I will have a lot of people come in here with big muscles so that you feel more awkward. I can also arrange to have a guy that looks way more out of shape then you run next to you on the treadmill, but here is the kicker. When you are done running, he will just keep on running and running, so you will know how far behind you are."

Me:"Okay, I am listening."

Jim:"And just for you, you can now have a newfound sense of guilt, when you are sitting around, doing nothing (you usually call this "enjoying life") you can now feel guilty. Here I will give you a freebee: 'You know, you should really work out more'"

Me:"I remember when a girl said that to me once. Good times!"

Jim:"Well you really should, especially if you want girls to want you for you 'bod'.'"

Me: "Do people still say 'bod'?"

Jim: "Some people. (Gym people)."

Me:"Well I have one more question. Will they allow me to wear my white fleshy legs while I run in place."

Jim:"We kind of expect it."

Me:"SOLD!!!"




*This exchange didn't actually take place. My awesome company bought us all corporate passes (for a reasonable rate, I might add). Everyone in the world seems to be working out these days, so I thought I would join them.