Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Jim

I went to the Jim last night (I have decided that if I call the Gym, "Jim" perhaps we will become friends). It was the first time I had ever been to a Jim. Did you know that they have machines that help you run in place!?!?! Walking into a Jim for your first time is embarrassing. But I am not quite sure why. I think that people will know that I don't know what I am doing here and laugh at my lack of exercises. Also, what does one wear? If I am going to do exercise, I usually wear my crappiest clothes (like that time when I did a push-up, I wore my TMBG shirt with the stretched out collar and sweatpants, but who wears sweatpants in public?). I thought to pay it no-nevermind, but driving up I had the thought, "What will these people think of me, these are people that CARE about how they look, and manifest it by doing unpleasant things, repeatedly (reps) to make themselves look better."

What I found is that all cultural norms are out the window inside a Jim. So far I don't know all the rules yet, but "no eye contact" seems to be an important one. I find this to be a rather difficult one though. Usually, upon meeting someone, I like to touch my eyeball to theirs. It is an intimate handshake, and nothing can bind you to someone like shared ocular fluid.

Anyway, they frown on that sort of thing there.

So I ran in place for about half an hour and thought about the exchange of commerce that had taken place*:

Me: "Hey I would like to run in place"

Jim: "Well that is going to cost you."

Me:"How much?"

Jim:"More than is comfortable"

Me:"Well maybe I will just run in place at home, that seems to be pretty free."

Jim:"Well at home do you have TV while you run in place?"

Me:"yeah"

Jim:"But we have MANY tv's, all with closed captioning. You can watch David Letterman, while scanning the news AND listen to your ipod."

Me:"My ipod got stoled in Guatemala, haven't you been reading my blog?"

Jim:"Sorry, I don't read blogs, I lift them repeatedly and in different motions to target different muscle groups. But that is beside the point. Why don't you give me lots of money so you can come here and run in place."

Me:"I am not so sure."

Jim:"Listen, as an added benefit I will have a lot of people come in here with big muscles so that you feel more awkward. I can also arrange to have a guy that looks way more out of shape then you run next to you on the treadmill, but here is the kicker. When you are done running, he will just keep on running and running, so you will know how far behind you are."

Me:"Okay, I am listening."

Jim:"And just for you, you can now have a newfound sense of guilt, when you are sitting around, doing nothing (you usually call this "enjoying life") you can now feel guilty. Here I will give you a freebee: 'You know, you should really work out more'"

Me:"I remember when a girl said that to me once. Good times!"

Jim:"Well you really should, especially if you want girls to want you for you 'bod'.'"

Me: "Do people still say 'bod'?"

Jim: "Some people. (Gym people)."

Me:"Well I have one more question. Will they allow me to wear my white fleshy legs while I run in place."

Jim:"We kind of expect it."

Me:"SOLD!!!"




*This exchange didn't actually take place. My awesome company bought us all corporate passes (for a reasonable rate, I might add). Everyone in the world seems to be working out these days, so I thought I would join them.

14 comments:

plainoldsarah said...

i'm a new frequenter of your blog via cindy's blog. i thank you for this lovely exchange. i'm going to now make friends with my "jim" - you were that inspiring. my company paid squat but i still got a stinking deal, so i will try that running in place thing while jamming my head full of ocular stimulus minus the contact.

bex said...

i have this conversation with a SF Jim at least once a week. sometimes i think i would get a better workout beating up Jim

Anonymous said...

MARRY ME.

Manfoom said...

Okay, but I think it is going to look funny when I tattoo "Anonymous" in script font across my chest.

k8 said...

jim and i have this relationship where i only see him if it's too dark to hang out with my other friend "beach"

Rachel said...

Hi, I enjoy your writing. Jim and I are no longer speaking to eachother. I am glad to hear he is making new friends.

heatherlynn said...

damien, i just found your blog in the mix. incredibly funny and true. i like what happens in your head. and now you're getting married--working out really does wonders. congratulations.

Manfoom said...

Apparently Anonymous (if that is your real name) is just a big tease.

WELL I AM NOT GOING TO WASTE ANY MORE TEARS ON YOU!!!

welcome to the hand(glad) HtotheL.

FarrahKhan. said...

Jim is a whore for money and I will have none of that. Plus, he has incredibly poor hygiene.

Jessica said...

I love stumbling upon funny blogs. I have been trying to rekindle my relationship with Jim...but he really does nothing for my self esteem...he's always making me feel flabby and weak...I must be a masochist.

juder said...

Jim and I haven't seen each other for a while. I keep telling him that I'm going to come visit and then I back out at the last minute. I'm such a tease. Now that summer is approaching I think Jim and I will need to hook up a few times at least. I am just so afraid of commitment.

Anonymous said...

I have a friend who is always trying to get me to hang out with her and Jim. I finally gave in this week, but I left my jean jacket on over my workout clothes and slowly walked in place with my arms folded across my chest. I showed her. We can hang out...but I ain't gonna like it.

Sarita said...

I snorted the Diet Coke I was slurping when I read about the eye contact that Jim prohibits. Who does he think he is anyhow?

I boycotted Jim after my sister had visited him that one tragic day. She was running in place when she suddenly fell. Repeatedly. And was Jim a gentleman and help her? No, he just stared while she bloodied her knees.

He's dead to me. Also, my sister is now hypoglycemic. Pretty sure that's his fault.

Ninny Beth said...

oh. my. laughing. wheezing. I actually sound like I am on the treadmill. It's a good thing that Gym is the word for HOME in korean 짐. It really helps with the whole guilt thing.