Hot Lava

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Sorry folks. I have been a travelin' of late so I haven't writ much. I will try to remedy this (though I will not try very hard).

I went to Lava Hot Springs with some friends both old and new (the name sounds better when you call it "Hot Lava Springs"). We left on Friday and It involved some driving. How about some pictures of that?

okay:











As you can see, we left pretty late, so there were no rooms left at the hot lava, so we kept on driving, and driving and driving until we got to Idaho Falls.

We didn't stay for the falls, but we did stay for the gas-tanks-that-look-like-soda-pop cans, so which I think counts for something.










A lot of the trip felt like this:
But sometimes we went to thrift stores in Blackfoot, and in the end we did take a dip in the hot lava.
thanks for the memories guys.

Acts of God

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Some of you know that I have been out trotting some globe this last year (because of how much I like to brag), making a documentary about natural disaster and the humanitarian aid department of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The doc has grown from an hour long special to a four part series. We just put the finishing touches on the first two episodes "A Time of Need" and "A Willing Heart" respectively. They are going to air in between sessions of LDS General conference and at a few other times as well:

I'd love you folks to take a gander

Check out our unofficial trailer (we don't have the rights to the music) here:

www.kinetopictures.com

We will soon be replacing it with our OFFICIAL trailer with some beautiful music written for us by one Mister Josh Aker.


BYU Television - BYU's national cable network (Comcast channel 21 in Utah, this station is also available on most national cable and satelitte networks under the name BYUTV).


Saturday, March 31
noon #101 "A Time Of Need"(between general conference sessions)

Sunday, April 1
noon #102 "A Willing Heart"(between general conference sessions)

4:30 pm #101 "A Time Of Need"
5:00 pm #102 "A Willing Heart"

Tuesday, May 8, 7:00 and 10:00 pm, #101 "A Time Of Need"
15, 7:00 and 10:00 pm, #102 "A Willing Heart"
22, 7:00 and 10:00 pm, #103 "My Brother's Keeper"
29, 7:00 and 10:00 pm, #104

KBYU-TV (channel 11 in Salt Lake and Provo)
Sunday, April 1
6:00 #101 "A Time Of Need"
6:30 #102 "A Willing Heart"

Words to your moms

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I think this blog needs to take a new direction. I write only every so-often. Clearly this is not sufficient to stave off office boredom. So I want to put it up for discussion:

More photos?
Drawings? a Sketchblog?
taco reviews?
TV reviews?

I am going to need a little help here, because I don't have very many witty things left to say (except a few jokes about leprechauns that I am working on, but I may have to wait until next St. Patty's day).

Pro Blo

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My friend was telling me about a professional blogger. Which of course led me to wonder what that guy does when he is supposed to be working.

Jim

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I went to the Jim last night (I have decided that if I call the Gym, "Jim" perhaps we will become friends). It was the first time I had ever been to a Jim. Did you know that they have machines that help you run in place!?!?! Walking into a Jim for your first time is embarrassing. But I am not quite sure why. I think that people will know that I don't know what I am doing here and laugh at my lack of exercises. Also, what does one wear? If I am going to do exercise, I usually wear my crappiest clothes (like that time when I did a push-up, I wore my TMBG shirt with the stretched out collar and sweatpants, but who wears sweatpants in public?). I thought to pay it no-nevermind, but driving up I had the thought, "What will these people think of me, these are people that CARE about how they look, and manifest it by doing unpleasant things, repeatedly (reps) to make themselves look better."

What I found is that all cultural norms are out the window inside a Jim. So far I don't know all the rules yet, but "no eye contact" seems to be an important one. I find this to be a rather difficult one though. Usually, upon meeting someone, I like to touch my eyeball to theirs. It is an intimate handshake, and nothing can bind you to someone like shared ocular fluid.

Anyway, they frown on that sort of thing there.

So I ran in place for about half an hour and thought about the exchange of commerce that had taken place*:

Me: "Hey I would like to run in place"

Jim: "Well that is going to cost you."

Me:"How much?"

Jim:"More than is comfortable"

Me:"Well maybe I will just run in place at home, that seems to be pretty free."

Jim:"Well at home do you have TV while you run in place?"

Me:"yeah"

Jim:"But we have MANY tv's, all with closed captioning. You can watch David Letterman, while scanning the news AND listen to your ipod."

Me:"My ipod got stoled in Guatemala, haven't you been reading my blog?"

Jim:"Sorry, I don't read blogs, I lift them repeatedly and in different motions to target different muscle groups. But that is beside the point. Why don't you give me lots of money so you can come here and run in place."

Me:"I am not so sure."

Jim:"Listen, as an added benefit I will have a lot of people come in here with big muscles so that you feel more awkward. I can also arrange to have a guy that looks way more out of shape then you run next to you on the treadmill, but here is the kicker. When you are done running, he will just keep on running and running, so you will know how far behind you are."

Me:"Okay, I am listening."

Jim:"And just for you, you can now have a newfound sense of guilt, when you are sitting around, doing nothing (you usually call this "enjoying life") you can now feel guilty. Here I will give you a freebee: 'You know, you should really work out more'"

Me:"I remember when a girl said that to me once. Good times!"

Jim:"Well you really should, especially if you want girls to want you for you 'bod'.'"

Me: "Do people still say 'bod'?"

Jim: "Some people. (Gym people)."

Me:"Well I have one more question. Will they allow me to wear my white fleshy legs while I run in place."

Jim:"We kind of expect it."

Me:"SOLD!!!"




*This exchange didn't actually take place. My awesome company bought us all corporate passes (for a reasonable rate, I might add). Everyone in the world seems to be working out these days, so I thought I would join them.

Trials

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Trials always make us stronger, especially if it is a "Time Trial" that you have to work-out a bunch for.

(Although this is not necessarily the case if it is a murder trial and you spend a lot of time in your jail cell or sitting next to your lawyer while he whispers things into your ear. Unless he is whispering things like "you need to workout more")

so the moral of this story is that I am going to get a membership to a gym,
and never go (other than the first time).

kist

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So I was at a party t'other day (as is my wont) and a young fellow pointed out a problem with the Sunkist(tm) brand beverage, more specifically, their packaging to whit:

The label doesn't actually say "Sunkist" it says "Sinkist". Really, he was right, it says SINkist right on the can. I dare you to find a "u" therein. The "i" is even dotted (by an errant splash of deliciousness). Before any of you righteous get oe'r offended (as is your wont betimes). I thought I would point out that we are perfectly okay with the last part spelling "kissed" as "kist". We have been accepting this for years and have said naught but "neh".

Then I walk into Taco Bell (I know, I know) and notice that you can get some sort of extreme "stuft" burrito. With all of this text msg-ingI think we are slowly evolving towards a race of people with naught but opposable thumbs. How ironic, those same phalanges that separate us from the beast will soon be our only finger.

thumbs up.

So I don't know where to take the rest of this joke. I thought I could take it to a diatribe about how it is Valentime again and I don't got nobody to love. But this is not really a depressing thought, not as depressing as the textual illiteracy that is besetting our nation.

Actually, this has not been that great of a month for a lot of reasons. How can I count the ways? Well, it started off with my Mother's cancer diagnosis, and progressed through my hearing loss and subsequent MRI where there was a chance that I had a tumor in my brain that caused some permanent hearing loss. I spent an hour alone in a large magnetic tube with no one to hold my ankle. Then my good friend's brother was kidnapped in Iraq, then just last week I was robbed in Guatemala where they not only stole my laptop, my camera and my ipod, but they also got my sketchbook, all of my personal photos from last year, and my notes from the documentary I am currently working on. Oh yeah, they also stole about $50,000 worth of Camera and gear for our documentary. So it has kind of been a crummy month. But here is the thing.

Are you ready for the thing?

Okay here is the thing (as promised)
It looks like the insurance should cover our camera. My homeowners insurance is going to cover most of my personal possessions that were stolen. My buddy's brother, Will, is now safe and sound with family and I didn't have a tumor. My mother's tumor is responding incredibly well to chemo and has very good outlook for a long term recovery. On top of that there are easily half-dozens of people that love me, or at least like me. PLUS with my job I get to go to places like Guatemala. I have a job doing the type of stuff I like to do. I have (more than) plenty to eat, a house, fine roommates who are both pleasant, enjoyable as well as much more tidy than I am. Also, my friend Emily made me a fantastic scarf as consolation. I am wearing it right now (while I write this, not while you read this, at least probably not while you read this).

On top of that, I have eaten some really delicious cookies this month.

So on top of all of that I have been to third world countries where I have been able to see and meet people, who in their best year can only envy my worst.

So to sum this up in the most saccharine way possible. I have plenty to complain about, but really I have no business complaining that this Valentine's day I haven't been kist, especially since all year long I have already been so thoroughly blest.

Race for the Cure

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Does anyone know of a cure (or treatment) for social lethargy? I am pretty sure simply watching Battlestar Gallactica isn't the cure, but I don't think I can know that for a fact without trying.

Also, does anyone know of a site where I can download a good backrub?

I would really appreciate it if my fans would help me out with this.

Nutraceuticals

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I want to start and MLM and sell health supplements.

My first product will be called NutraBurger.

Handsome New Year

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My new years resolution was going to be "Be with more handsome people", but that is kind of impossible.

If anyone is looking for someone to stand around looking handsome, I am available for parties and whatnot. To answer the questions that you are forming, yes, that IS velvet, and NO you won't be disappointed.

Happy New Year

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So far here are my new years resolutions:

1. Sit down one night and write some New Years resolutions. Choose a night when you can be alone, just you and your quest for resolutions, and maybe a nice cup of hot cocoa (use that new recipe that you just invented that uses chocolate pudding and melted symphony bars). Get your room all cleaned up for this (laundry IN the baskets), because you can't set goals in a mess. Choose the goals that will really make your life better, stretch you and get you going. Make them meaningful yet not overly sombre. Really spend some time with this, I mean this is your year, but at the same time don't get to serious. Make them attainable yet ambitious (you don't need another year of "become an astronaut" to haunt you the year through, and you know "eat a tuna fish sandwich once a month" only leaves but the hollowest of victories). Use some nice paper for this and keep it in a special place so that you won't lose it, but also keep it in a place so you can review it often. Share the goal with someone important so they will make you accountable, but no one that is going to be a jerk about it when you don't do enough push-ups or haven't really been that good at keeping your room clean (to their standards). Maybe have a theme, like you do for summers. Have a couple of noble-sounding goals that you can tell other people about so they will thing you are noble and a couple of flippant ones that will make you seem delightfully insouciant. Set goals to use words that will impress/intimidate others. Make this year about other people, and how you can get other people to do stuff for you. Write these down with an elegant pen (maybe first draft in pencil). Use one of those micron pigment pens that don't fade so that you can always remember them or maybe just a Bic roundstick so you can write them fast. Either way remember the good paper, or better yet, put them in the front of a book. Nothing says "permanent" like a blank book (except diamonds, but c'mon, I don't have a lazer pen). Don't put it at the front, because when you are in church and doodling a picture of the bishop shooting lazers and that cute girl wants to look at your other sketches flips through and sees one of your goals is "Catch up on Battlestar Gallactica, figure out how to get number 6's phone number", so maybe write that in code, or Klingon. When you are done with the writing, sign and date it.

2. take a nap (from all the resolution making)

Inventions

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So I am always inventing stuff. Stuff to make life better, or at least a little more delicious. I shouldn't write about these things because they will make me a millionaire if I just make them myself (see also: t.v. show ideas). Instead, I will give them out like a modern day robbing hood, stealing ideas from the geniuses (me) and giving them to the mentally poor (you).

Idea number 1: Pie Cake

Yeah, I know, brilliant huh? If you are wondering what it is, then you are indeed poor-of-mind. Pie cake is basically a cake with a pie baked right inside. People are always asking me "Hey guy, what do you like more, pie or cake." well, this solves that problem. Also, it presents new challenges as you figure out which pies go with which cakes. The coconut-cream-pie-in-a-german-chocolate cake is a slamdunk (see Michael Jordan), but think about a cherry pie in a rich double chocolate cake? or apple pie in a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting?

Are you catching the vision?

Yes?

well good luck getting a pie into a cake.
(actually I have invented a [genius] way to get a pie into a cake and if you want it you will have to send me five dollars).


Idea 2: Bacon Butter

This idea has been floating around for some time. It is as simple as it is deliciously bad for your heart. it is kind of a breakfast butter, to add protein to your morning toast, but there are so many uses!!!! Some have heard of this idea. basically it is butter with bacon crumbles right inside.

think of what you could baste with this!!!

Idea 3: Troughies (TM)

There is another business idea for this one, it is essentially a restaurant that bases itself around several long tables where patrons (you) come in and eat from a mutual trough containing the cereal of choice. It will bring people together on the topics that really unite them (lucky charms or cracklin' oat bran?). Plus, mutual trough of milk.

If you want chocolate milk, there will be a spigot at the end of the "cocoa krispies" trough, except we won't call it a "spigot" because, gross. It will be called a "fun nozzle".

also, don't get Troughies(TM) confused with Trophies* next door. It is a sports bar where you all drink beer out of the same trophies. You get a free t-shirt if you and your "party" (get it) can drink a whole "stanley cup" of beer.

Idea 4: Clear Armor

I have an idea for a suit of armor made out of plexiglass, but I don't think I should mention it because I bet it'd get pretty sweaty in there and that would gross out people that are watching you and trying to eat from their troughs.

Idea 5: Video Game

How 'bout a game that makes you more socially adept?


















*a fully owned subsidiary of Troughies International.

Thank Goodness for Thanksgiveness

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Things I am thankful for: (In no particular order)

high-fives (the comeback)
hearty oatmeal
Mom and Dad
Hobo lore
the collected poems of Ogden Nash
backflips, and the people who do them
jet-planes
the "slamdunk"
micron pigment pens
pigmies
cougars (and pumas)
warm laundry
"the ladies"
movie theater popcorn
hot cocoa
Owen and Olivia (and Morgan)
cold cocoa that has been heated up
the "web"
digital photography
things that are awesome (both old and new)
blind dates
deaf dates
dates
figs
wigs
pigs
pigs in a blanket
wool blankets (for the poor)
wheelchair athletes
New York Doll
miniature pony's
scabs
"Shame On" signs, and the people that hold them
barbecue sauce
Arbby- Q sauce
frozen custard
pies, in the face or in the mouth
pie cake
sad clowns
swimming pools
The Waffle House (the awful house)
brilliant ideas
that video for "i'm from Barcelona" where the guy's tie changes
crushes
melancholy
"getting over it"
fish tacos (the good kind)
Massaman Curry
a good backscratch
the sunlight through the window in my front room when it hits my shoulder before a nap
people at my house
Battle Star Galactica
the idea that a pan can punch through steel
memories of youth
hopes for future
the fleeting moment that is now
Akira Kurosawa
machines that quietly hum
the Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Shatner
Teaching Sunday School
a job
holy writ
The Honey Bunch of Oats
seeing "Jeremy McGuire"
the fact that CarriDee will be on for at least one more week
Zhang Yimou
that DeVotchka concert
stolen glance
that painting
Ben's print
friends that found love
online drama
Jet Blue
the prospect of Christmas
Sufjan Stevens 'Christmas Album
Thurl Bailey's Christmas Album
Sweet Potato casserole
naps on the carpet
Kids that think you are a "pony" or a "rocket ship"
the decline of Jessica Simpson's carreer
fire pits
the canyons
the sea
Lake Powell
Emmerson Lake and Palmer (just for the song "touch and go")
the word "probate"
lack of colostomy bags
less kidney stones this year (when compared with last)
church
Blue Kitchen
Friends that will go to movies with me
little gifts
the Wasatch Fault and the portent of our doom (just the portent, not the doom)
Steven Greenstreet
Books
scribbled poetry, never-to-be-read by the object thereof.
sighs
that millisecond after a sneeze
a scratched itch
sweet relief
sweet relish
relishing the moment
momentary bliss
blistek
carmex
Karma Chameleon (not so much)
trained dolphins
sharks that are unaware of the skill and cunning of a trained dolphin
scuba knifes strapped about the ankle
harpoon guns
hope
faith
charity
movies that end with "The END?"


the END?

The Dark Continent

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So I went to a land ripe for comedy: Ghana

I found out that jokes about lepers are somewhat less funny when you have spent time in a leper colony.

Anyway, here are some pictures from my trip:

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Mathematics Et Cetera: Pechrifyd

I got to be in this little music video as a sad clown. It was done in some spare time a week or so ago.

Hate Crimes

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I wonder if my feelings for the E! channel will make me a criminal.

PEN PALS!!!

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So I guess I have a new pen pal. I got this letter from Mrs. Elizabeth Coleman. She seems like a sensible sort:

GOOD DAY,

It may come suprice of receiving this my letter but
dont be suprice i need a help from you,
I am Mrs.Elizabeth Coleman from Ivory Coast. I am a
widow being that I lost my husband a couple of months
ago. My husband was a serving director of the Cocoa
exporting board until his death.

He was assassinated last january by the rebels
following the political  uprising. Before his death he
had an account here in Cote d, Ivoire up to the
tune of $7.5m (SEVEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND
UNITED STATE DOLLAR) which he told the bank was for
the importation of cocoa processing machine.

I want you to do me a favour to receive this funds to
a safe account in your country or any safer place as
the beneficiary. I have plans to do investment in your
country, like real estate and industrial production.
This is my reason for writing to you. Please if you
are willing to assist me and my only son Franck,
indicate your interest in replying soonest.

N/B note that all the necessary document use in
deposit are with me and also asurering you that there
is100%risk free in this transaction.
PLEASE KINDLY REPLY ME WITH THIS MY DIRECT
EMAIL(eliz_coleman2002@yahoo.fr)

Thanks and best regards
Mrs.Elizabeth Coleman






Okay Mrs. Coleman, I am in. This is how I replied:

Dear Mrs. Coleman,

I was very suprice to get your letter. I now that sometimes these letter is not true, so please send me a picture of you and your son so I know that this letter is true. Please in your picture, be eating waffles, so I know that you take the picture for me and not from the internet.

These times are difficult in Affrica, what is it like there? do you have servants?

I talked to my bank and they said my bank account is biggest enough to hold your money. Please send pictures and money soon!

also, do I get a chocolate for helping in this adventure.

Sincerlely,

Mister Jamison Concorde




I hope she don't mind that I used someone elses real name instead of my own.

Tragedy: The Internet

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Statistics don't lie. Sure they embelish, but they don't lie. Do you know what statistics are saying RIGHT NOW! If you you listen closely you can hear their tiny tinny voices telling us that the two most common uses of the internet are for 1. pornography and 2. geneology. This is a tragedy.

To some, this tragedy is obvious, but to me it is such a sad image. You see if you are doing one of the most common things on the internet you are bound to run into the other. I imagine a kind old pornographer stumbling on an errant geneology email and now he fritters away the waning hours of his perverted little life trying to create family trees.

so tragic.

New Television Programming

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Here is a pretty good idea for a TV show:

You take a wayward celebrity, like maybe Paris Hilton, and with the help of some of his friends (accomplices) you "set them up" like they are going on a hike or something up the mountain. When they go up hiking though, they stop to take a break and people start pulling out notepads and radios and then they all start listening to LDS General conference.

Later, at her baptism, Ryan Gosling or maybe Ricky Schroder* comes in wearing a wayward baseball cap, and they are all: "You just got Church'd!" And then Paris gets all upset and then flips off the camera (but with the fake birdie finger, 'cause in the third discussion she learned that the real birdie is a sin).

I think this could be a big hit. I also have to give someone else partial credit for the idea. If this show "hits" I will give them a "from an idea by" credit.







*we can work out the specific casting details later, but whoever it is, they will have to wear a wayward baseball cap.

it's been a while

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I know there are literally two of you out there who have wondered where I have been, or have not cared where I have been, but wished that I would write something so they could burn 1.8 minutes* on this page instead of working.

But here is the thing. I often don't have much to say.

Also, sometimes I wonder if it is "okay". Fortunately for that last post I don't know anyone who survived or died that one day. Sometimes I have a joke about church stuff, but then I think about reverence.

So I have adopted a new philosophy. If I am worried about whether or not a joke is reverent enough, I will type it silently with my arms folded. there, solves everything.


Anybody know something funny?





*the average