gladhanded

Appendectomy (Appendix Jokes cont...)

2011-09-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

My biggest concern with having my appendix removed is that from now on, I will have to rely entirely upon footnotes.

This joke is appropriate to tell to academics who are having an appendectomy. Like if you come back to the school, and people are concerned about someone who had their appendix removed, you can modify it.

Jeff is really concerned about his appendicitis. I told him not to worry about the due date on his dissertation, But he just said, "oh it's not that, If they remove my appendix, I will have to rely entirely upon my footnotes."

It would also be helpful if you have a snare drum and cymbal nearby (laugh track optional).

More important that Art

2011-06-24T16:18:00.000-07:00

Things that are more important than "Art" at the "Utah Art's Festival"

The Navajo Taco
Fried stuff at Airport prices
Keeping that local vendor of Ethnic food alive for another year
the Churro
Public Beer
lines
Bands that can't get people to listen to their music on their own merits so they perform at festivals
atm fees
Crafts
hemp necklaces
Public sweating
Stuff made out of things other than what the things were intended for
Bikes
lots of humans
booths
leather mugs
People that you normally just see on the internet, but now you get to see in person, maybe
complaining about stuff

Last comes the art.

a case for electronic books

2011-06-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

Books are wonderful things
full and covered with ink.
They smell like so much knowledge
and have such a weighty presence
indicating all the fabulous things
I have stuffed into my head
But the ink wears off on my fingers
and the pages
become brittle when you read them
over and over
and now the electronic words
don't impress you on my shelf
but the ink only wears off
in my head
and it is the words that I love
and not the representation
thereof

MOVIE IDEA II

2011-06-03T12:14:00.000-07:00

This team of young misfits gang up to use there super-powers to save the world, but also they have dry and scratchy skin. It's called

ECZEMA MEN.

coming soon!

One Year

2011-05-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

It was a year ago last week that I went home to see my Mom after he cancer recurred. I wanted to make something with her, so I had her teach me a TOP SECRET family recipe. If you are a member of a Dayton family, any Dayton family. You not only love the Chocolate Roll, you revere it, you speak of it in hushed tones. When your father eats it, he talks about how they only had it once a year, and the slice was so thin, you would spend the rest of the year thinking about it.

Here is one thing you probably didn't know about the Dayton Chocolate Roll, Grandma Lois Dayton invented it. I interviewed her once about it, and didn't get a chance to film it. She had a Better Homes and Gardens recipe, and if I recall she didn't have the cream cheese, so she took the recipe and made it her own.

Here is the thing about the Chocolate Roll, it has a number of secrets. The Cake needs to be cold and the chocolate sauce needs to be hot. The cream is unsweetened and the sauce is super-rich. It's essentially The Law of Opposition in a desert.

So one year later, I finished this video. The audio is rough and the image isn't great. I just shot in on my DSL with no microphone. But this is precious to me. In the year since we made this, not only did my Mother pass away (as many of you know), but my Grandmother, the inventor of this recipe, did as well. So I post this in honor of some of the great women in my life.

movie idea: THE HANDS

2011-05-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

I hope you are not tired of Mormon movies, because I got a thriller for you.

There is this incredible Relief Society group, and they seem like average women, with your normal foibles and weaknesses (like gossipiness, judgementalness and soft arms) but they are really great at preparing meals for ward activities. Then one of them, let's say Marjeen, discovers that she has super strength in her hands, and this other one can shoot fire from her hands (that's Linda), and another one can knit super-fast , let's call her Busy (short for Elizabeth, but she is also a busybody).

So it turns out that they got the super powers because at all of the ward dinners, they always blessed "the hands that prepared this meal." (Nancy did get any powers because she showed up, but she would just stand around and "supervise" because she was a counselor in the relief society presidency, and her hands didn't do anything)

Later, there is a bus accident that kills them all, but their hands come out of the graves to do deeds because they are so blessed.

The movie is a tragicomedy, but you also learn a lesson because Nancy dies anyways and her hands can't do deeds or anything. Service is about more than just supervising <-------That's the moral of the tale.

I think my Mom would be embarrassed that I wrote this story, but it is based on true events.

INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITY

2011-05-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

Does anybody want to invest in my new restaurant: Murray Calendars?

We sell delicious pies and every order comes with a free calendar with pictures of historic Murray on it. "Come for the pie, stay for the calendar (year)".

We are only in Murray (I mean would you ever consider eating at Midvale Calendars?)

Observations from the future

2011-04-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

I wonder if my friends over at the time travel blog noticed this:

Remember when Bill and Ted (from the past of 1989) traveled to the future and met these wise judges who decide everything?

But then remember how now we are their future and there is this show called ANTM with wise judges who decides everything*:

But then also remember far in the past there was a wise woman who could answer your question, but she was also a puppet?

but then there was also an angel that answered your questions.

I guess what I am saying that it's not that truth is stranger than fiction, it's that they are the SAME THING!!!!

*Well at least one of them is on ANTM, the other is the devil wearing Prada.

Appendix Jokes: a Limmerick?

2011-04-12T10:47:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I am a HUGE fan of Ogden Nash. Also, I am a fan of appendix jokes. So you can imagine how surprised (and pleased) I was to find this,

THE GREATEST LIMERICK ABOUT APPENDIX REMOVAL OF ALL TIME(S)
but which he sadly titled:

UNTITLED POEM

Asked a patient before appendectomy
"What kind of fee d'you expectomy?"
Said the doc, "If your pulse
Indicates the results,
Anything but a post-dated checktomy."

Many of you (my fans) come here for appendix jokes. This is a far better thing, for an Ogden Nash poem is a thing of gold. So in his honor I have written a poem.

Ogden was a poet for the man on the streets.
If he was on twitter I'd follow his tweets.
He could take words and twist them and bend them.
If he was on Facebook, I'm sure I would friend him.

thank you.

Holy Ground

2011-04-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

My Grandmother passed away last night. She had just turned 101, and was still surprisingly sharp. Her hearing had mostly gone, she couldn't stand on her own, but she could still smile weakly and offer words of wisdom. Most of our conversations lately revolved around how she wanted me to be happy.

I remember a time when I went to LDS General Conference with her. Elder Richard G. Scott, on of the 12 apostles and most senior leaders in my church saw us sitting together and came up to us. He spoke briefly to my grandmother and then turned to me. He said, "I want you to know that I have stayed and your grandmother's house, and because of that I can say that I have slept on Holy Ground." I can think of no finer compliment to pay her, no more apt description of her character, and no grander accomplishment than that. Here a servant of the Lord, a man that I honor as a special witness for Christ, who has traveled the world and sat in sacred ceremony as deep matters of doctrine and church policy was discussed and yet he noticed that the humble home of this fine woman was Holy Ground. Being around her, I just felt loved.

If you knew my Grandmother, Lois Dayton, you probably felt this too. You have felt welcome in her home, you have felt her reverence for love and beauty and for her faith and Savior. My Grandmother was not a very complex woman, but how deep was her simplicity.

So deep that the ground soaked up the simple goodness around her. She wasn't the greatest piano player, but there was always music in her home. She wasn't necessarily the most elegant entertainer, but always a warm hostess. You could probably count the number of times her front door was actually locked. Whether I showed up for a planned visit, or simply stopped by passing through I was met without pomp but with an open door and an offer of whatever was in the fridge. My grandmother came from a place where "storebought" was almost a cuss word and usually followed an apology. "Can I make you a sandwich, I'm sorry all I have is storebought bread". She always offered what she had and never made a big deal of the meagerness of the offering nor the overabundance. Her offers were always simply just that, an offer. There was no pretext, nor expectation.

It's possible for a person to have a bad word to say about Grandma, but you'd have to try pretty hard, and it would probably tell me more about that person than it would about Grandma. She left literally hundreds of progeny behind her, each one recognize their best and most kind traits have roots that stretch back to that holy ground in Cokeville in a little rambler whose door was always open.

Creativity, in brief(s)

2011-03-31T17:02:00.000-07:00

I know, I wrote about my creative process before, but I think it was a bit long. This time, I am writing it in my briefs, so that my "creative process, in brief" can really ring true.

Here it is again:

1) INCEPTION-Define the problem

-Brainstorm the problem

-Simplify the problem

-find your special purpose

-write down initial impressions

-allow inspiration to strike

2)INGESTION-Swallow the problem whole

-study it out

-Stare intensely at the problem

-read a bunch of stuff.

-look at a bunch of stuff

-talk to interesting people

-ABI "Always Be Ingesting"

-allow inspiration to strike

-Brainstorm, reject nothing

3)INCUBATION -Let it simmer

-meander

-wander

-doodle

-put it off

-Hey, what's that over there?

-take a nap

-wake up

-allow inspiration to strike

-write it down

-THIS IS WHERE INSPIRATION MOST OFTEN STRIKES ME

4)CULTIVATION -Reject bad ideas, make good ideas better

-get finicky

-be merciless

-be critical

-workshop it

-check materials

-solve problems

-check your spelling

-identify potential excuses, realize that you can't apologize for it later and solve the problem NOW.

5)PRESENTATION-Narrow the gap between what you intend to do and what you actually will do

-trust the process

-don't allow for excuses

-assume success but be willing to modify

-do it right the first time.

-allow it to be the jumping off point for the next thing.

I think if you see these key stages to the creative process when you work with people you can identify where you are in the process, and what kind of feedback and input is important. The harsh criticism of the CULTIVATION stage is essential, but unwelcome during the INGESTION phase. The point isn't the rigidity. It's that it gives you a common language to deal with creative issues. To work in a corporate structure and still have the assets you need to do your best creative work.

Additionally you can be working on a project, get all the way to the end and say, "We need to rework this, but we only need to take it back to CULTIVATION not INCEPTION", though sometimes the only way for a Phoenix to be reborn is to burn it down to the ashes.

I realized that my post on the creative process was hastily thrown together and a lot to bite off. It needs some "cultivation" if you will (even if you won't). If anyone has a creative problem that they would like to apply this process to, I'd love to hear how it turns out.

"Ad Madness" or "Why I learned that everything that is wrong with MARKETING by watching cheerleaders during March Madness.

2011-03-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

I work AROUND advertising, but not IN it. It's something I think about a lot and here are some thoughts I've had recently.

If you've never been to a March Madness game, it's a different sort of beast. In the early rounds there are a few fans from each team, then a lot of interested locals there to watch some "sports history". Also, there are a lot more timeouts (for commercial breaks and score updates).

During the long breaks, each teams cheerleaders take the floor for about 3 minutes. They hoot and jump up and down and do lifts and backflips, and no one listens. No one, except the other cheerleaders. After watching a few sessions it was more and more clear that the only one watching the cheerleaders were the other cheerleaders, and that is mostly who they were trying to impress, what with the backflips, back-handsprings and human towers. (you know "cheersport")

Now, I am no historian, but I can imagine how the first cheerleaders got their start. The fans were watching sports and there was a lot of yelling going on, some in support of the team, some against the other team, and a few things about the ref's mother. Someone at the school had a bright idea. What if we could get everyone to yell in unison for our school (0ur brand)? Let's give them giant card-board cones and call them "megaphones! That probably worked for a while, and when people started ignoring the cheerleaders again and watching the game, they added cute girls, then made them do flips.

Fast forward back to the game. As soon as the time out was over, the cheerleaders would sit down, pompoms in laps, and that guy would start yelling. You know that guy. The one with his face painted and the viking hat. He was the guy who understood the game well enough to get everyone on there feet to make some noise on defense. He harassed the ref appropriately and said hilarious an inappropriate things that the school couldn't put on banners. And I realized that this arena was the perfect microcosm of what is happening in Marketing/advertising/social media.

Your product is the team on the court.

The Cheerleaders is your advertising

that Guy is your key consumer (the superfan or maven)

the arena is full of disinterested consumers.

Advertisers are doing backflips and building human towers, Sure they are shouting your message at the crowd, but the crowd just wants the product. You can yell at them all you want, but if the product isn't good they will walk out and get nachos. You can give the superfan a bigger megaphone, and make him part of the cheer squad, but then you have just neutered your strongest voice.

So what's a company to do?

I think the answer is both simple and complex. Complex because I don't think it is obvious. Simple because it relies on a brand doing what it is already doing but doing it better, and getting out of the way of the consumer.

So here is my solution in a nutshell. Focus on your game, whatever it is, make it the best, most unique one in town. Hear to your fans, you don't let them coach you don't obey them, but you listen to them and find out what they love about your brand. That guy, put him behind the hoop on the other end of the court; let him be. Take care of the alumni but give, the new fans, give them the best experience, let them learn from that guy what the game is all about. Give them a great experience and a voice to share it with. (at Professional Wrestling matches they will often have free poster board and markers, we can learn something from Hulk Hogan).

Okay, you can keep the cheerleaders, but mostly get them out of the way of the game. Choose cheerleaders that are fans or at the very least make sure that they understand the game well enough to shout "D-FENCE" when the other team has the ball.

What does all that mean? well I am not going to tell you everything.

at least not yet.

Inspiration in 5 easy (grueling) steps

2011-03-25T12:06:00.000-07:00

So I have noticed that this "Creativity" thing can be a wily beast. One writer described writing as "the process where you stare at a blank screen until your eyes bleed". Creating something form nothing can be hard and tedious, but it should be fun, and I think it is incredibly fulfilling. Coming up with a system has helped me tame the wild beast (at least a little). This process can be done in a few hours or over a few months. You may use it for a BIG challenge then use it in a small way for all the little challenges in between. You can even do it in the course of one meeting, as long as you break up the steps and know when it is time to move from one to the next.

To be productive creativity needs DIRECTION, but to be successful it needs INSPIRATION. notice that INSPIRATION is not a step, it will come at any time and anyplace, usually between steps 2 and 4. It is necessary but It really needs both sides of your brain, it needs different types of thinkers. I'd like to tell you that I have developed a system that works, but I have kind of worked backwards from successful creative endeavors to find that they all have some level of each of these steps. I think that inspiration can strike at anyone one of these steps, so keep a notebook with you, there is nothing more precious than a genius idea lost in time (well except gold, or babies, or golden babies). I find that I use this process when I write, when I direct, when I edit, when I do math (seriously) when I build campaigns and help companies rebrand, and even when I teach Sunday School (yup)

My steps for creativity:

INCEPTION

INGESTION

INCUBATION

CULTIVATION

PRESENTATION

1) INCEPTION: See how I used a popular movie title to get you interested. Really I just wanted a fancy word for "GET STARTED" but this is also really important to clearly decide on what your end goal is. If your goal is "write a commercial" you might get a really funny commercial out of it, but if you later realize that your goal is to "get consumers to go into a store a buy a product" you may have missed the boat. Write this goal down somewhere, let it simmer, and maybe even try to purify it a little bit. There is a difference between "inform someone about what a product can do" and "inspire someone to understand why they need a product". I think all types of creativity rely on truth to gain power, and if you are true in your goal, and truthful in your storytelling and art making it will have more power. I think that telling someone to buy something that they don't need is sleazy, helping someone buy something that could make their life better can be rewarding. If you jump to brainstorming without defining your goal you can head down some paths that you will fall in love with, but that won't get you anywhere. (write those ideas down anyway). Always write down first impressions I have this process, but sometimes my first impression is still make it through to the end is some form, the process makes them better and builds on them.

2)INGESTION "Matter can neither be created nor destroyed". Fortunately for me, both my scientific leanings and religious beliefs teach this same thing. To create something you need stuff. Creative stuff, memories, influences, beauty art, ideas. Think of a monster eating everything in it's path. During the INGESTION phase, I study the problem and try to read related things, unrelated things, look up stuff on the internet, wander around, doodle a lot, listen to music. You can only do this so long, but this is where you need to get the basic building blocks of your creativity. If I am teaching Sunday School, this is where I try to read everything I can about the subject, scripture, talks, even Wikipedia (wikipedia is GREAT for ingestion, but also a bit of a rabbit hole), this is a good time for some PRE brainstorming. People talk about brainstorming, and I think by itself, it's mostly useless. But as part of something else it is VERY helpful. During ingestion come up with ideas, build on other ones, give your first impressions.but don't throw something out. You can move on, but this has got to be a positive experience. Swallow as much as you can, because you don't know what is going to end up fitting together later. This is a good time for writing stuff down on napkins and post its because it's not precious but it is valuable.

Another thing. during this process, whether it is a group brainstorm or your private hunt. Don't worry about ideas that don't work or that you hate. Focus on things you love. If you throw out everything that you hate, you will come up with something that everybody doesn't hate, but that doesn't mean it will be something that anybody loves. Eliminate this phrase "Well the problem with that is..." This is not the time to ask questionsWe are creative, we solve problems. If it's worth loving then we can solve the problem later (we will get to that during "Cultivation"). It is worth mentioning that you can push ideas, but when pushing an idea, don't think you are making the idea "better" you are offering another option, keep the original too.

You know that moment after you are done laughing and you sigh, and you know that the last part of the joke has left your system? (but you wish you were still laughing). It's important to note that you can't revisit that laugh, that it is time to move on. Brainstorming and Ingestion is work, but it can be fun once you get going, but learn to recognize when it's time to move on.

3) Incubation Incubation is the lazy part of Creativity. I usually say "Let's let this simmer for a bit" but it is SO important. This is usually where inspiration strikes, where you come of with at few "workable ideas" and maybe a few actually "good" ideas. I think it was T. H. White who suggested that writing is like hunting, and you spend days waiting for the right words to come along. Creativity needs some space to wander, don't expect a solution to come out of a brainstorm, expect some GOOD ideas to come out of a brainstorm, but the solutions will expand on those ideas.

Some of my best ideas come from that moment between waking and sleeping, many come in the shower. Even if I am giving a 5 minute speech I make sure to take a nap between studying it and writing it. This is where sleep is important for me. I have a good nap couch in my office. I don't care if my co workers think I am being lazy, I know what my creativity needs, and it doesn't need to make them think I am working. I heard that Napoleon took short naps before battle. I spoke with a former executive who is working late into his retirement who told me he takes a 30 minute nap every day. His secretary calls him at one. I delicately asked him if it was because he was older now, and he said, I wished I would have discovered it earlier in his career. I spend my afternoons fighting distraction and ineffectiveness. Naps give you TWO sleeping/waking periods each day. (and those are the MOST important periods of each day)

I also believe in the power of procrastination. Nothing like the stress of a deadline to bring your mind into a lazerlike focus. and that means you need to give yourself a timeline to incubate to let the nascent ideas simmer. INCEPT and INGEST early so you will have time to wander for in those walks will inspiration most often strike. If you put off the incpetion or ingestion phase too long you won't have the time to wander, and worse you will come up with a great idea and not have time to make it right. which lead me to the next step.

4) CULTIVATION By now you should have something to work with a bunch of ideas that you like or love. Now is where you get pragmatic. This is where you invite that naysayer from the brainstorm session in who starts saying "the problem with that..." so you can start finding solution. This is where you make your good idea great. This is where you take your shrub of an idea and make it into a topiary elephant. There are steps to this as well, but I will keep it relatively brief.

To cultivate a garden you need to weed it. This is the stage where you can discard ideas that are great, but just don't work. In fact you need to throw out beautiful ideas so the other ideas can grow here. Go back to your INCEPTION your big purpose. Now take your musing and see how well they point back to that. Can they be modified to make them work better? This is where you work the ideas out, you solve problems, ask questions. You have to trim the fat.

What is the fat? It is the stuff that gets in the way of the idea WORKING. It might be the baggage that makes the idea look the SAME as other people stuff. You have to ask, how can we make it different. One of my brothers (who is one of the most creative guys I know) says that he always takes his idea and says "Okay, now how can I take this idea and make it one step away from normal, how can I take it one step away from what you expect". He takes a good idea and makes it into a new idea, makes the idea do more than one thing. This is important.

I think there is also an important part of this that I will call DISTILATION. You don't just cut away stuff, you get to the core of it, it's essence. the thing that makes the idea good and you make sure there is lots of it and it is concentrated. This is where you polish the idea, you make it more than an idea, you make it work. When you are done here, you don't just have an idea or ideas. You have something or somethings to show. This is where practice is applicable. This is where you make minor adjustments, but don't change anything major.

5) Presentation Whether you are speaking to a group, pitching a client, making a commercial, or just writing a story. You must present it to an audience. In art there is always a gap between what you intended to do, and what you did. This is where you work hard to narrow that gap. Focus on your original goal and the distilled idea when you present the something. Believe it in, know that it works, and make it effortless. When you present have confidence because your audience has no idea how much blood sweat and tears when into your end product and they should be. If you want to wow someone with a backflip you pretend like it is no big thing

So how about you? Do you do something similar? Do you have a system? Do you think I am missing anything? Let me know. I am always looking for ways to cultivate my existing system.

Be "Creative"

2011-03-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

"Being Creative" sounds like a lot of fun. When your work requires you to be creative it can tend to dampen the enthusiasm for it a bit. Yet I count myself lucky that I can use creative skills in a number of different ways throughout my work day.

First off, let's talk about what it means to be "creative". It means a lot of different things to different people. For me, there are three essential part to creativity. The first is simple CREATION, the making of stuff, things, videos, music, objects. It can be a paper airplane a Cathedral or a Sonnet. The Second part is making something DIFFERENT (or novel), people are often described as being "creative" because they have a different way of looking at things. Just because something is DIFFERENT doesn't mean it's is GOOD (or useful) which leads to the last point. Being creative for work means that the new thing or idea must also be USEFUL. Now not all creativity has to be useful, personally I believe that any creative act is inherently useful (although maybe not purposeful).

But at the same time, I have found that you can't force creativity. Well at least not by itself you need this sacred beast called "inspiration". Ancients waited for muses to deliver it, the word itself relates to being breathed on by the gods. Well technically breathed IN by the gods (that first breath that gave us life) . But you see how if you let "inspiration" run your life, you can digress and digress down a rabbit hole and really be satisfied with yourself and not get anything done.

If you wait around for inspiration you will get it, eventually, but it probably won't relate to anything useful. You might come up with a brilliant idea for a churro, or a blog about shoes, but that sort of inspiration is a fickle beast, capricious in both it's timing and it's intentions. So while I think my best ideas have come from "inspiration" I have learned that I need to discipline that process a little bit. Sure you need to wander and meander and "be inspired" but I have kind of come up with and informal 5 step process that works as midwife for inspiration (move over Socrates). Most of the stuff you see here is wanderings and musings, but not really purposeful creativity, problem solving, message-carrying, lesson-teaching, story-telling creativity. Whenever I have a creative problem to tackle I find that when I am successful I have used some form of this process to come up with a (brilliant) solution. Rather than tease you further here it is:

1. Inception

2.Ingestion

3.Incubation

4.Cultivation

5.Presentation

Genius and inspiration can strike anywhere, but lightning is more likely to strike a tall metal object. For me this process is about stretching that rod higher and higher.

What process do you use?

Down To Business

2011-03-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I shared some of my GREAT IDEAS, and Since I don't have time to actually start a new business I thought I would share some of my business ideas with you, you are welcome to use these ideas for yourself and get fabulously wealthy. My only request is that you share some of your humble millions with me.

1. Literary-O's

since I often spend my evening with "Honey Bunches of Dinner" I realized that the literary merit of cereal boxes is somewhat lacking. With Literary-O's you would get a healthful breakfast(dinner) cereal, but on the back there would be short stories by innovative up-and-coming writers. Here is the beauty part, the stories would be "Cerealized" so you would have to buy a box a month to get the whole story. Also, it's available in chocolate and walnut-crunch.

2. Air Dunk 'ems

Since Michael Jordan died there is a huge market for Michael Jordan memorabilia. There are even a couple of b-ball players pretending to be the next Air to the Jordan name. But no one has really taken advantage of how much he loved churros. So I would make a handy pack of 6 churros and a little thing of chocolate that you "dunk" them in. The little thing of chocolate would also have a drawing of a b-ball net on it so you could pretend like YOU are the Air of Jordan. It the thing of chocolate could come in other flavors too, like caramel and walnut-crunch.

3.Circle of Friends

This would basically be like Facebook, but awesomer. So instead of having this huge clump of people you know called "friends", you could sort them by how close they are to you. Imagine a group of concentric circles. On the outside is "dude you just met", then there is "acquaintance", you could work your way all the way down to "comrade", "Friend", "Framily" and then "family". When you added someone you could let them now what circle they are in. You also click on the circle every time you post something so not all of your posts/pictures/statuses are shared to everyone. But here is the beauty part. The "family" is both the inner circle and the outer circle, and they won't know which one they are in. Also, it's available in walnut-crunch.

Moving Forward

2011-02-07T11:11:00.001-08:00

This blog has just sat here for the better part of a month, kind of like I can't say anything after I have just said what I have just said. But life goes on. Maybe one day I will work on a tribute blog, "Lessons from my mother" or something like that, but not this blog.

This blog is for rambling about things, and maybe it's time to start rambling again.

Susan Dayton's Big Book of Instructions

2011-01-10T21:13:00.000-08:00

[The following is an attempt to recreate the Eulogy delivered at my mother's funeral. I spoke from notes so please excuse the discrepencies. I may have added a lesson or two].

As I sat beside my Mom's bed in the hospital, I read her journal. She was having it transcribed and I got to read portions of it (specifically 1979-81). She was so full of life. Just reading about what she got done in one day wore me out, so you will excuse me if I don't try to list her accomplishments. They are just too many. If you'd like to read about the facts of her life you can read her obituary. Mom was an unconventional women, so I will try to give her an unconventional eulogy.

Mom was always full of practical advice, like "take the recipes that you cook most often and stick them on the inside of the cupboard, that way you won't lose them, and you won't get them messy।" After Mom passed, we found she had packed two boxes and a suitcase for us। In them we found pictures and the wedding dress she made, the dress that she would be buried in. On top of it all was a large white binder with the title "Susan's Big book of Instructions." So that is what I will title this Eulogy. Get a pen out, because you will need this later.

LESSON# 1
The News is for listening too, but music, music is for dancing.

She always listened to the news on the radio, from NPR to talk radio. She even listened to Doctor Laura (until she said something bad about the PTA). We woke up on Saturday mornings hearing Mom hard at work on some project with the radio talking in the background. Which is strange for a dancer. Since she began dancing at the age of 3 with her brother James, dancing defined her life, and when the music played, it was time to dance. Some would say, "She is just a cheerleader", "She is just a dancer", "She is just a choreographer". She danced in High School, In the Young Ambassadors, She arranged dance festivals and road shows. She danced with her brothers, and partners. She even danced with the devil, not once, but three times. Most of all she danced with her sweetheart, my Dad. But even when she wasn't dancing she was choreographing steps. arranging groups of people to move together to get something done. Many people here have been dancers in her productions.

LESSON #2
"If they aren't your sons, then they are your daughters"
My mom only had 5 sons, but she had countless daughters. Her journals revealed how perplexed she was by her boys, and what joy she found in working with young girls dancing. She never let us know that though. Whenever someone expressed pity on her for having all boys she would say, "Boys are easy on me, but hard on the furniture." But she found countless daughters, in dancers, in nieces, in neighbors and friends.

Living in LA, in a two bedroom house with four young boys, she developed a few pragmatic rules. Rules that can apply in many areas of Life.

LESSON #3
"Pick one day for laundry, and do do anything else. If something doesn't get done, leave it until next week."
You know that applies to so many areas of life. Focus on what you are doing, and if it doesn't get done, don't let it ruin the rest of your week.

LESSON# 4
"You can never run more than 3 errands at a time."
You can't do everything. Make the most out of the errands you can run today.

LESSON#5
"Work where your heart is."
Now Mom never said this, but she certainly lived it. It's been decades since she collected her last check for teaching dance. But Mom never stopped working where her heart and passion was. She taught dance to young girls when the check barely covered our babysitting. She worked in the PTA, and Granite Education Foundation. She worked with the Worldwide Organization of Women. She worked in the Network of Religious Community. She worked in her callings. When people ask if my Mom works or is a homemaker. I say "She works hard, she is my Mom." And I was the "good son".

Which brings me to the next lesson. When I was barely a teenager, I was sneaking out of the house and getting into mischief with my friend and cousin Joe Jeppson. I didn't tell my mom I was off trying to discover girls, just that I was over at Joe's house. In fact I was just a few doors down, up to no good. So one day Mom asked me to take a drive with her. We were going to run an errand or three. While we were driving she taught me another great lesson.

LESSON#6
Love is free, and I will love you forever. But trust, trust has to be earned.
I had lost some of my trust. She didn't blink away from loving me, but I had to slowly and carefully earn trust back, through honesty and diligence. I hope I did. But what a great legacy. Trust and Love are important to a good relationship, but they are not the same thing, and they can and should work independently.

Another great lesson that defined her life was a lesson that she lived more gracefully than the lesson sounds.

LESSON#7
"You need to be about doing what you need to be about doing"
I got this message a lot when I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. Whenever she told me this, she tried to reformulate the verbiage, but the message was always the same. You don't get anywhere by waffling over destination. You need to get moving in a good direction and the destination will find you. She never set off to become the Utah PTA president, or to run an International Organization of women. She just started being about what she needed to be about, and the destinations needed her. After our lives were spared in a car accident, Mom would often say, "Our lives were spared for a reason, we need to find out what that reason is."
Aren't all of our lives spared on a daily basis, should we figure out why? I don't know if she ever got a specific answer on why her life was spared, but a couple of months ago, as I drove with her, I asked what she was thinking about all of this, and she said she felt peace, that she had done what she needed to do.
Once you are moving it is easier to change course and heed inspiration.

LESSON #8
"Don't wait on inspiration"
If you get inspiration, don't wait for the right time, or the right way to act on it. Don't wait for the right words, just act. Each one of my brothers has received a hastily penned email full of spelling errors written at 4 am. Those emails are now treasures to me. I found one this morning while I was preparing this talk. Mom was helping, or at least trying to help me with some dating advice, but the wisdom has such wider applications.
She gave me

LESSON #9
"There is no perfect ONE, there is only a perfect WAY"
and I believe that perfect way is love. Mom taught us to love. To love our neighbors, both figuratively and literally. To love our family. To love when it was difficult, especially when it was difficult. To love when it is imperfect and awkward. That is the perfect way.
And there is no one that she loved more than her sweetheart, her dancing partner, my dad, Merril.
When her sweetheart gave her a ring, there was nothing that she loved more. Which leads me to one of her last lessons. Shortly after She married my Dad, her wedding ring was stolen out of her car. She spent a month in mourning. She told us how she wept and wept over that ring. Then one day, she woke up and thought, "What am I doing." The phrase we heard over and over again was this:

LESSON # 10
"Oh well...It is just a thing."
She didn't lose her husband she just lost a piece of metal. So later in Elementary school when I broke a picture of her dancing she said "Oh well...it is just a thing" and when I burned up the engine to the family van in High School she said, "Oh well...it is just a thing". And if there is any abiding lesson that she taught us, it is the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and the reality of the atonement and the resurection. And as I look down at this coffin and the body inside, I think "Oh well... it is just a thing." I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know that my mother will live again and see him in the flesh, and I know that we can be together again. I know the lessons my mother taught me were true. I love her and know that she loves me. and I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Disembarking

2010-12-28T11:57:00.000-08:00

This is what has happened so far, and these are just facts:

Going on a cruise may not have been the best idea. You need to understand Mom though. Christmas is Big. It's HUGE. she usually spent a solid month of preparation, stringing garland, making centerpieces, arranging travel. All of this focus so that the family had a "magical" Christmas. It couldn't just be good, it had to be magical.

So she told us she wanted to go on a cruise. With no energy, i've come to believe it is because she thought the cruise would provide the magic. We all acquiesced, not that a cruise was what we wanted, We just wanted to be selfishly get Mom all to ourselves locked on a boat.

When I saw her at Thanksgiving it was difficult. She looked like a wounded bird, shivering in the cold. This woman once so full of life, was now so weak. But she was still Mom. We made plans, we looked at houses. We ate thanksgiving dinner. I made like seven dishes and she tried each of them (I later found out she couldn't keep any of it down) but she told me all tasted so good. Even though she had lost most of the taste in her mouth.

So I knew that the chemo and the cancer was aging her. I wasn't prepared to see her. She had aged two decades in under a month. Her last chemo had letter her with sores over her hands and feet and her poor mouth was full of sores. while her arms and legs were wasting away, her body had begun to fill with fluid, and this petite woman who once went on a diet of hamburgers and shakes to put on a few, now had a large distended belly. and her feet were too swollen to walk. But she was still Mom, under that sore little body, it was Mom. We had breakfast together and the whole family sat around the buffet and made dumb jokes (a Dayton specialty), and Mom would roll her eyes (a Susan Dayton specialty).

We got on the boat, and things were going well. We had a few good meals, we sat around and talked. We watched some movies, and made plans. We are always making plans. She had a nice view from her balcony, the Queen of the Sea could finally survey her domain. We thought we had two weeks together. Things looked good. We could sit and hold hands and say the last things that we needed to say.

Things changed on the second night. It was a hard night that only my Dad knows all the details to. But we thought it was just a bad night. Her stomach and intestines were revolting. Nothing was staying inside. So the next morning, we sent Brandon and Annie's families off at the port. Mom was just going to rest up. Just to be on the safe side, Dad decided that we could rehydrate Mom and get her started on an IV and get some fluids into her. The medical center on the ship was fairly well equipped. NOt only did they come to her room but they offered to run a few simple blood tests. The IV was slow going, but before we got more than a few hundred cc's into her we got the blood tests back. Her white count was precipitously low. Normally your white blood cell count tells you how sturdy your immune system is. A week ago hers was 8,000. Today it was under 500. Her new Chemo regimen had a dangerous side-effect. The ship told us we had to get off. Unfortunately, the ship was leaving in an hour. WE had to be off by 6:30. Half the family was on shore and we had no way to contact them. Cameron, Dad and I repacked 15 days worth of living and scrambled down to the tenders. The little shuttles that take you to port. With the help of a lot of crew we got her baggage down the gang plank and lifted her little chair down to the boat.

There is a decent hospital in Cabo San Lucas. Ameri Med caters to Americans but the small facility was clean and fairly modern. However Mom wasn't getting any better. She was vomiting anything still left her system, and the diarrhea wasn't helping. We hoped that getting her fluids and medicine could stabilize her and that we could get her back to Buffalo. Specifically closer to her oncologist, and a vital medicine that could help her white count rebound. It was now Christmas Eve and we were in a foreign country miles from those resources.

Dad hadn't slept in two nights. After midnight I insisted he get some sleep. We would have some important decisions to make in the next few days, more critical ones in the next morning. I stayed with Mom. Cameron smuggled a blanket and pillow from the Motel and I settled in. I have had a lot of sleepless Christmas Eve's in my life. tossing and turning, craning my ear to hear Santa. Ironically I spent the same Christmas Eve craining to hear the same figure. Listening for groans and whimpers. The sores in Mom's mouth kept her from swallowing, it had been two days since she had kept any nutrition down, in fact she couldn't even swallow water. So I stayed up with a wad of gauze dipping it in water and letting her suck on it for relief.

When we got on the ship we were talking about our 3 month plan. Dad was going to take medical leave, and move to Salt Lake. By the time morning come, we were talking about a one month plan. LIttle did we know that soon we would be speaking about days and hours instead of months and weeks. The writer Wallace Stegner described the west as a place where the optimism was greater than our water supply. Our problem was that our optimism was greater than our time supply.

Mom was still talking at this point. In the morning she said she just wanted to go home. She wanted to go to Buffalo. We thought we could get her to rebound, to improve. We thought we could rehydrate her and find medicine that would help her white blood count. Buy what our hearts told us is that she was miserable here, she wasn't improving, and she might never improve. WE looked at flights and what we saw was disheartening. 15 hours, two or three layover, and on Christmas day. Mom hadn't done well just sitting and I didn't think she had it in her. Dad took control in the hospital and checked her out against Medical advice. about 5 hours later we were on a plane to Salt Lake.

Uncle Lynn arranged for a Docotr to meet us at the Huntsman Cancer Institute. It turns out that the Chief of Oncology there was a good friend that went through medical school with Dad. We talk a lot about what goes into Medical research. I have been profoundly grateful for the money that has been donated for end of life care. However we didn't look at it that way. We were just looking for a place to rebound and recover.The Huntsman Cancer Hospital is one of the finest Hospitals I have ever been too, and we've had incredible care.

Non of Mom's major organs have failed, her liver is 60% cancer, but her lungs are working and kidneys are working, But fluid is filling her body. Death is a curious thing. I wish there was one thing we could point to and say "fix that" or a clock that gave us predictable time. But we are watching a shrinking clock where Months rapidly shrink to Days, and days become hours. But all day we wait.

Once the brothers were here we hoped for change. Instead on our first meeting we sat and talked about DNR orders, on the time that was rapidly disappearing. And mostly we wept. We originally wanted to take a day or to recover to allow visitors. Instead we realized now was time. If people wanted to say goodbye this was their chance.

So I wrote this in inches, in-between the flood of family, and visitors. And I came home to rest, and tonight we wait. Mom is barely here now. and we wait. We wait for little things, dripping away life. Statistics dipping and swelling.

They say that Cancer is the loving disease, because we get to say goodbye. But it is hard to say goodbye every day. Maybe I can get one more day, and say one more goodbye.

Forget Top Ten list

2010-12-15T11:42:00.001-08:00

I mean there is nothing wrong with a Top Ten list. It's all very Nick Hornby and delightful, but how can you compare two different things. It's not like apples and oranges, they are both fruit. It is very easy to compare them. It's like choosing the "best painting ever". It's impossible.

I know this will sound snobby and whatnot, but there isn't really a ranking or stars. In my critical days I would rate films, but when you think about it, there is only enjoyable and not enjoyable. There is good and not good.

I would like to make a list for this year, but how can you compare "Exit through the Gift Shop", "Never let me go" and "How to train a dragon". If you get caught up in a discussion of bests you miss out on a great opportunity to think, feel, or get lost.

I like movies. It is what I do when I want a treat.

Here, watch this little film clip. Bask in the fun, the beauty, the ridiculousness, that movies can be.

2010 wasn't a bad year. Here are some movies that were good, and worth your time (specifically in NO particular order):

Exit through the gift shop
Scott Pilgrim vs. the world
Inception
The Town
Never let me go
How to Train a Dragon
Toy Story III

wait, I am not going to do this anymore. I am going to miss some good ones. Why don't you tell ME some good movies. I got a lot of evening free and could use some suggestions.

Using my Talents for good, not ill (but also for the ill)

2010-11-17T17:03:00.000-08:00

I have had a few more clicks from BING. I have oft criticized Microsoft, I have to give them this, their search engine knows how to find appendix jokes. I am now... wait for it

#1 in appendix jokes

I should be an SEO consultant. Anybody want some snake oil?

So here is the funny* thing. My Dad is a doctor and he is actually a very good doctor, and not only that, he is the type of doctor that is really good at stuff, like taking out appendixes.

like he wrote the book on it. Okay, he just edited the book on it, but still, c'mon.

So you would think that having the #1 RANK ON BING and a Surgeon for a father I would actually have a few good jokes about appendixes OR I would be able to send business his way.

but nope, it don't work that way.

I wish it did because I totally want to lure him back to Utah. So do you know anyone who needs a Chairman of Surgery? or that doesn't need their appendix? NOTE: he is also good at removing gallbladders, large colons**, and son's delusions of grandeur.

I should be able to use my considerable internet prowess to get my folks home. But alas, even though my Dad reads facebook daily, he refuses to actually create a profile (we created this one to pressure him to join, you should join it). So he is impervious the the lure of the internetz.

Well if we can't get him here to cut up people, I will have to settle with having him come for thanksgiving.

So Dad, if you are reading this, you can carve the Turkey you hamburger.

*funny weird, not funny "ha ha"

**colons the organ, not colons the punctuation, but I guess as an editor he is good at both.

Weird.

Weirdand FUNNY.

Poetry

2010-11-16T12:27:00.000-08:00

Other than the collected works of Ogden Nash, this is one of my favorite poems of all time(s).

There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going.
There's no knowing where we're rowing
Or which way the river's flowing.
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a blowing?

Not a speck of light is showing
so the danger must be growing.
Are the fires of hell a glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes! The danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing. And they're certainly not showing
any signs that they are slowing!

this is available on blu-ray

Fitting in with the Hipsters

2010-11-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

I'm not a hipster, at least I don't think I am (sometimes I wear Dockers), but I have learned to get along fine with this delightful folk.

Here is a couple of tips:

Don't use superlative, unless in irony. You can say that T.J. Hooker is "totally awesome", or that M.A.S.H. is the greatest show of all time, but if you really like something you heavily qualify it. Like this "Sujfan Stevens is kind of amazing" (When in fact he is TOTALLY amazing, even though I think he believes a lot more is Space nowadays)
do a blog
It's okay to make fun of Hipsters, because none of them think they are them. I usually consider Hipsters to be people that dress like my friends, but I don't think of my friends as hipsters.
make a piece of your own clothes. Even if it isn't cool, it gives you some credibility.
Know the difference between a Hipster and an Indie Hipster. Both are too cool for you, but the Indie Hipster will make his/her distain more naked. I actually think most Hipsters that I personally know are delightful folk, but they ARE cooler than me.
If you want them to like your pictures of stuff, get lots of lens flares in it. I like lens flares anyways.
Don't assume to know about a band that you think they don't know about. Instead of introducing a hipster to a new band, ask for their opinion. instead of "Hey have you heard of a band called the Animal Collective?" ask "Hey, what do you know about this Animal Collective band." They will respect that you know your place in this world.
Don't wear business casual to a concert.
Get apple products, but also hate apple, at least a little bit. Here is a good line "Yeah I got the iPhone a while ago, before Steve Jobs got evil."
Once other people start liking it, you are gonna have to start liking it on your own.

I wish I fit into a movement or a style. I am not really a Hipster.At least I don't think I am, but that is the thing about hipsters, if you say you are one, you probably aren't. So maybe I am way a Hipster. But I think by making this snobby blog I am a little more hipster. (and there goes my credibility, 'tis a fragile thing. Here is another thing about their kind: they are good at making fun at stuff, and look what I am trying to do.

So anyways

Mangia, Miss the line, not the moment

2010-11-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

I don't talk about work much around here or my Utah Video Production Company. I am not very comfortable promoting myself. But since I do like to talk about myself, I should mention my work once in a while. This is a little spot I wrote and directed.

Mangia offers a great service. You can go to a game and use your phone or mobile device and order any of the food they have on offer and it is delivered right to your seat. This is especially great if you have kids or know that everyone gets hungry at the same time (when the action is slow or at halftime). I've used it at a Real Salt Lake game and it was great. Now they just need to get into more venues.

check it out the Mangia video in full HD.

Shot by the ever-talented Travis Babcock with help from Eric Russel as 1st AC. we shot the majority of the commercial on the REDone, but parts were shot on the Cannon 5D mark II (see if you can tell which shots). We are leaning on that camera more and more, it captures great images if you have nice glass.

We worked together with Brad Zupancic and the entire team over at Mangia on the concept and creation of the video. Michael Stone edited the piece and Bryan Moore of Lights and Colors did our graphics (I don't really trust anyone else to give a fresh look to things). Alex Lee was our main Gaffer and he really helped us get a great lighting effect. As always there was a lot of help from the entire Kineto Team including Genevieve Barr and George Dayton among a slew of help that came in, including the crowd that worked for Pizzas. I'm pretty happy with the results. If you want this service in your sporting venue, share the video.

Voting Day

2010-11-02T09:38:00.000-07:00

I like Voting Day, notice I didn't call it Election Day. I like it so much I think it should be a Holiday. It is a day that no matter how you feel or think you get a chance to put in your two cents for how our Country should be. So weather you think the Democrats are commie Pigs or the Republicans are Fear-mongering war-hawks, you get a chance to vote, and the thing is, I think every person that pulls that curtain close or punches that card or steps in the cardboard booth is committing an act of civil obedience. They are acting deliberately in an effort to make our country better.

The truth is, I think we have a pretty great country and no matter what you say, I don't think the Democrats or Republicans can ruin it, though sometimes it seems that way. The hard work of building a country and guaranteeing freedoms is done, but our work, the minor work of preserving democracy, protecting freedoms is a fine-tuning work. When anyone tells you that "they" are taking over the country remember that things aren't so bad as they were when blood was spilt at Gettysburg, or Lexington and Concord or even on the shores of Normandy. Sure there is still conflict in the world that we are locked in and we can debate the value and prudence of that. But it is not on our soil for our freedoms. We have that, we just need to keep fine tuning what was given to us.

So I like Voting Day. It's like the Fourth of July, but instead of celebrating our past we are working for a future. I think they should unite Veterans Day with Voting day, and those memories can fuel our civic duty. God bless America indeed, but I think he will only inasmuch as we are willing to bless it with our own actions.

I can't stop the flood

2010-11-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

I can't stop the flood of ideas. I mean pie cake has really taken off and I have to wonder if any of my other wonderful ideas will eventually end up on MSNBC with someone else executing them with no link to me whatsoever.

As you can see from this 2008 blog post about piecake. I have been talking about piecake for a long time. If you know me at all you know I have been talking about piecake for nigh on a half decade.

I wonder if I should write that musical that I have been thinking of for a long time. It's called "I'm not even a little bit racist". There is a great line in there about not being racist even though I am uncomfortable when I watch you kind kiss. It's kind of epic, but with a big band swing.

Also, I should finish my story for "Hotel Zombie" but I think "the Walking Dead" steals its thunder.

I will not back down on bacon butter though, someone is going to do it before I do.

Apologies

2010-10-28T12:07:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted much, I could use the excuse that it was hard to type with a broked arm, but mostly it's because I have spent a lot of my time doing rap battles.

Well, mostly pretending to be in rap battles. But know this:

I am spectacular

in my venacular.

This is my family

2010-09-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while. I broke my wrist and my elbow and am left-handing everything. but I wanted to share this with my family and friends.

This is my family

http://www.rachelthurston.com/blog/?p=4056

I don't know which ones are my favorite

maybe these:

Rachel is an incredibly talented photographer and she is as kind and generous of heart as she is talented. When people get their family photos taken they want to get everyone in outfits lined up against a strange background.

Rachel captured our family as they are. She gave us beauty and something to remember. Thank you so much.

check out her other work on her blog.

The First iPod exchange is underway

2010-08-11T11:59:00.001-07:00

So I didn't do a great job of organizing this ipod exchange and did the exchange on the day I got back from being in New York for a week.

Nevertheless a few valiant gladhanders still took part. This is how it all shook out:

This person- got this persons ipod:

Barbara Dayton - Kim Raynor's

Kim Raynor - Barbara Dayton's

Damian Dayton - Emilie Campbell's

Emilie Campbell - David Feil's

David Feil - Damian Dayton's

I started listening to the iPod I got. It was interesting, no playlists, just bands so I started listening in order. I haven't really discovered new bands, but rekindled affection for older bands I liked and good old folks that I haven't listened to.

Some highlights include:

Otis Redding

The Beatles- Revolver

Carole King

The Killers

Neon Trees

After a few days, I set the ipod to shuffle. Now I am getting a lot of Mother Hips and Bright Eyes. I like Bright eyes. I have always felt that listening to my ipod on shuffle is like listening to a radio station programed by a "me" from another dimension, constantly surprising myself with stuff that I forgot that I liked.

I think that every human being should have a few Cat Stevens songs on their ipod. When you run across them, it is a gift.

I also had the thought that alt-country isn't nearly as good as good old fashion country. It's like we like it because it is being played by "cool" people, but the real deal, like the old stuff is nice.

I wonder how mine has been received? I wonder if they know that I have some purposely embarrassing songs on there? I wonder if they can get through the very thick collection of They Might Be Giants songs that I have?

I didn't set a trade back time when we started this. Some got their ipods earlier than others. I am thinking at least a few more days. I feel like I need to hear a few more hours of this pod.

I'd rather dance

2010-08-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

I'd rather dance than do a lot of things.

Here is another dance video that I made on a date. It's unfinished, so if you want to finish it, go right ahead.

Walk a week in another one's ears.

2010-07-17T15:05:00.000-07:00

I threw this idea around a couple of weeks ago and there was at least moderate interest.

I was thinking about how much of music do we enjoy because the music is inherently "good" and how much do we like because it is familiar. I went to Lake Powell with a bunch of friends and I didn't listen to much of my music down there. Some of the songs bugged, but I also got into other ones.

It makes you wonder if you walked for a week listening to someone else's music, would you be mostly frustrated? Would you approach it with wonder and discover new HipHop, Country and/or Top40 that you liked? Or would you discover that band that no body has heard of that you liked long before anybody else.

So I am going to do this little social experiment. I want to get a few people together to swap ipods for a week and then talk about the experience. I hope I get some people who have completely different tastes than me (meaning that you don't listen to a LOT of Insane Clown Posse).

Here are the simple rules:

Let me know you want to be in the contest, by making a comment to this post..
I will do a random drawing
Swap ipods (at least 4 Gigs of music please) Either in the mail or I will facilitate at my house.
Listen to the ipod at MINIMUM whenever you are in your car.
NO MUSIC SKIPPING, ride it out. Let it flow through you.
You can listen to playlists, or on random, but you can't just look for familiar artists or bands you have wanted to hear.
Whatever you do DON'T SYNC THE OTHER PERSONS POD TO YOU COMPUTER!
Swap iPods back and blog (or facebook or whatevs about your experience)
Mention your best experience and worst experience with the ipod

I think this is interesting also because of the state of digital music. According to DRM rights you don't actually own that copy of music, I can't lend you an album. I don't even know if this is entirely legal, but I know that it is right.

Okay now,

GET IN MINE EARS!

You assume all risk (all artistic enterprises are inherently risky)

This Summer

2010-06-18T09:06:00.001-07:00

This summer doesn't have a name yet, maybe it is time to put away childish things. Here is a list of things that need to happen this summer, regardless of it's name:

-bike rides to Gelato

-strawberry lemonade and pad thai

-swimming

-healing

-rope swing

-Fly to Buffalo

-Visit Reservoir Powell (it's not a lake people)

-Hang with Smythers

-Hang with the Half-bachelors

-Hang with Mr. Cooper

-Photo Op road trip

-Make a bollywood movie

-Make a hollywood movie

-Make a move

-Bust a move

-listen to some Busta Rhymes

-Grow some lemon thyme

-Caprese Salad

-Lemon Basil Limeade (trust me)

-Make some ice cream

-Make out in a summer rainstorm

-Music video

-Camping

-swim a mile

-CANONBALL!!!

-Bratwurst

-BratBEST

-walk to church (yeah, I go to church, and like it. What!?)

-cupcakes, cupcakes, cupcakes

-sleep under the stars

-Sleep under the stars, and also a roof and a blanket.

-make it to a beach somewheres

-leave the country, even for a bit.

-get some sun.

-get some shade

-BBQ

-backyard, firepit paella

-spend some time in a convertible (anybody got one locally)

-reconsider the scooter issue

-take a tour of Thanksgiving point on a Segway, afterward, try to re-obtain some dignity

-drive in movie (to a movie I don't really want to see)

-late breakfast on Saturday, should involve something sweet and something savory.

-get some color on my legs

-get some sand under my feet

-get some laundry done (it has to get done)

-picnic, basket and all.

-frisbee (bonus points if you can get a dog to catch it).

-long walks in the park

-short walks in the neighborhood.

-Evening constitutional.

-Eat outside at LEAST once a week.

-See more sunsets than I miss.

-street tacos (HARD)

-Nielson's Frozen Custard

-Go to Arizona

-Listen to the song "By the time I get to Arizona"

-Don't let Public Enemy's bitterness get to me

-See some of the best kids in the world, and their Mom (my Sister).

Did I miss anything?

Trying on a new link

2010-06-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

Tis a season of change. When things aren't going your way, try something different. Plus they have this new feature on blogger where you can try a whole bunch out.

I am going for "simple and readable" what do you think?

Back on top (for a limited time only)-APPENDIX!

2010-06-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's been a rough couple of months. Between breakups, Moms, cancers, back surgeries and car accidents. But if you know me you have already heard me complain about it.

but guys, things are changing. I am now NUMBER #1 on google's search for appendix jokes!!!

(read about the journery here, all because I tried to create an appendix to my blog, with all of my old jokes in it[which I still use by the way]). These jokes are NOT good, let me remind you. I even removed my best one (about little people and racism "widget what??")

Anyway if you are here for a great Appendix joke, you shall not get it, not even on that link (there are some okay Appendix jokes, but mostly if your standards are low). But after a rough few weeks, I just want to let you know that all of your visits have my appendix just bursting with pride.

P.S. - I have a joke I am working on for Born Agains who are looking for appendix jokes, it involves the punchline "Oh, it ruptured, I thought you said it was the RAPTURE!!!"

don't hold your breath.

Sorrow and Happines

2010-05-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

So, most of my stuff this year has been pretty heavy. I think most of my jokes end up on twitter (@damiandayton), facebook, or popecat these days. I think this is may be a place for more serious stuff. Deal with it.

or don't ('cause this might get kind of long, and preachy)

So I am going to get to the point. It's been a great year, it's been a tough year. You can probably say that about most years, but this year, and the last four months probably more so. I've often said that any year where you can't get your heart broke isn't really a year worth living, and I think I have had a lot of living in this year. So I when I got asked to speak in Church, I asked if I could speak about Happiness. Usually I don't get to churchy around here, but Happiness is a pretty important thing, especially when you are not so happy.

Here are some pictures I have taken recently

I have been extremely happy this year. I've traveled, I've fallen in love, but I have also had my heart broken or at least bruised, my mom's cancer returned, and I needed back surgery, which kept me in bed to think about it all.

HAPPINESS, A REVOLUTIONARY CONCEPT

The doctrine of Happiness is actually a pretty revolutionary one. The Old testament and New Testament COMBINED mention the world a grand total of zero times. Mormon scripture fairs a little better 1 mention in the Doctrine and Covenants and 1 in the Pearl of Great Price. However, our good ole Book of Mormon mentions the word 17 times. Still not much though, considering that we refer to our Creator's plan for us to be called "The Plan of Happiness".

Early Christians in some sects used self-flagelation (the whipping of self) to use pain as a way to atone. Dan Brown blew this out of proportion in his book about that Ninja Turtle's code, but often people wear their religion like a headache (I stole this phrase from the son of Elder Hollandwho was in my Freshman English class- bragable). Often fundamentalist of many faiths look at this life as a veil of tears to pass through to only find happiness in the great beyond or hereafter AKA cloud city. For that reason, the doctrine of Happiness is really a pretty radical one. Consider this quote:

"Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God."
(Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, Section Five, 1842–43, p. 255).

So wait, religion is supposed to make me HAPPY, like that is the purpose??? or is it just "the end thereof". Do we expect too much of happiness, and if we are not happy do we say it is because we still haven't kept all the commandments?

Most of those 17 scriptures in the Book of Mormon that talk about happiness do so in reference to the fact that "wickedness never was happiness" (you look up the reference, brother lazybones) or a state of "neverending happiness" usually accompanied by a discussion of the afterlife. So what are we to think? We know what happiness is NOT (ie:wickedness, like saying bad swears or eating brownies with sin in them) OR it is just a final state. But get a load of this:
Mosiah 2:41

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.

So there is SOME happiness (at least in the life of those that keep the commandments) AND some happiness in the future.
I am kind of not satisfied with this. I am a pretty good fellow, and I know a lot of people a lot more commandmenty than me, and yet they still have sorrow, and often times, deep sorrow.

SURPRISED BY JOY
Here is another really amazing scripture that is unique to Mormondom:
2 Nephi 2: 25

Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have joy

Unique to us is the belief that Adam's (and Eve's) decision was NOT a mistake, but a willfull act, without which Men (and women) could not exist at least not as we understand MEN (humans?mortals?) to be and further more with out this certain type of existence, we can now have a joy, that would not have been accessible to us, or mankind for that matter.

We kind of gloss over that scripture sometimes, but check out this companion scripture which can be found in our modern understanding of Genesis, which we call The Pearl of Great Price:
Moses 5:9-10

10 And in that day Adam blessed God and was filled, and began to prophesy concerning all the families of the earth, saying: Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God.

There is some nice stuff in there, but look at this part again "and in this life I shall have joy"

Perhaps one of the first recorded prophesies. IN THIS LIFE, JOY.

so when you don't look at "happiness" joy fairs much better in the scriptures. almost 360 mentions. 98 of those are in the Old Testament (that's the big dusty one with the sad stories). They talk about all types of joy, joyful dancing, joy after victory, and joy in the Lord. There is also a lot of talk about joy through obedience. I am not going to talk about that, because I am pretty obedient, and sometimes I am still sad, and my mom still gets cancer and I still get my heart broken (if you do want to read about joy through obedience I highly recommend this talk by Elder Bednar).

I want to talk about sorrow, sadness and mourning and how it is important for Joy, not just as an opposite but as a necessary component.

JOY THROUGH MOURNING
Let's be honest (as though everything else has been a lie) for most of hones, even the righteous and faithful, life is hard, life is painful and comes with inevitable sorrows. I think therefore, there is a great paradox that for those that wish to be baptized take a covenant to suffer. Let me clarify. To enter this "plan of happiness" we read the following
Mosiah 18:8-9

And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the dfirst resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

I think it is significant that in order to enter this plan, we not only bear each other's burdens, but we really have to "MOURN with those that mourn" we must be sad with them. And as I have had hard times, i realize that it has brought me closer to family and friends, some whom I had grown distant from. Just the outpouring of support from friends and family from my last blog post and on facebook has been incredibly meaningful to me. and because I have been able to weep with my cousin Rachel, and share conversations and a blessing with my good friend Adam, that we are closer, that our joy is more full. not in contrast to the pain, but in some way because of it.
In Jeremiah 31:13-14 the lord promises to turn our "mourning into joy", and I have felt that, but only inasmuch as I have been willing to mourn with others, and to let them mourn with me. I have realized that when I stumble upon someone's sadness I don't need to offer a solution, I just need to weep with them. (Phillipians 2:1-2 indicates that the LORD's joy is full when we become one in this manner).

So today I got some great news. The radiation on the tumors in my Mom's brain has been effective. Her vision has returned, her headaches have gone away, and according to the MRI there are no evidence of the lesions that were there a month ago. We are still waiting for the results of the chemo everywhere else, but today I will have joy, and those that have wept with me will have joy with me. Today in this body in this flesh I may not always be happy, but I can have joy.

It is kind of why we are here.

(all images in this post have been taken in the last two months)

What you want to do.

2010-05-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

My Grandma used to say "We find time in life to do the things we want to do". She just turned 100 and there is no doubt what she wanted to do with her life. There is nothing more important to her than family.

My Dad would use that saying when I hadn't practiced the piano, to which I responded, "I know, I don't WANT to practice the piano." But the saying has been a sage one, and begs the question. "What do you want to do? Do your actions show it?"

Are you too busy?

About a week ago our family found out my Mom's cancer returned. She beat breast cancer once before, but it came back and brought friends. Recent tests showed that it isn't in her breast, but there are tumors in the lymph nodes around her lungs, lesions in her liver and in her spine. Today I also found out that there are lesions in her brain.

The thing is this, I can't do anything. So I booked a flight out there to do nothing with her. Fortunately I have an awesome business partner who is willing to shoulder a lot for me. Fortunately flights were inexpensive and most of my work this last week was supposed to be writing. So I was fortunate enough to go out there and do what I really wanted to do. Be with her while she was healthy.

But she isn't that healthy. She breathes heavily after doing her makeup. But she is brave and she doesn't let you know that. She got call after call while I was there and everytime she answered to phone with a smile" This is Susan! ...Me, oh I'm doing fine". When people ask me how I am doing I usually say "Good Enough" or give them a number (7 out of 10 is the average). My mom is doing "great" and she just had the worst news of her life and needs 5 naps just to make it through the day. She has some health issues, but mostly she is just tired.

But of all the women I know, she's got a reason to be tired. She has worn herself out in the service of others. What does she want to do? The answer has always been the same, stay busy, keep moving, and usually in the direction of others. Now listen, she's now saint. She's not perfect, I don't want to get in the business of making someone into someone that there not. But I am going to give my mom this: She's lived a lot more than women twice her age and gotten just about as much done. Here is a short list: Utah State PTA president, President Worldwide Organization for Women, Stake Relief Society President, Board Member of the Network of Religious Communities in Buffalo. 3 of those post she holds right now. But those are the ones that mean much to her. She is the mother of 5 fairly decent men. This is the one that has required the most work by far, and the one that hasn't gotten any easier.

Yet when she fills out a questionnaire she has to put occupation: none.

But then there are the intangibles. She never had any daughters, so instead, she has taken on countless daughters that didn't even know they were getting a new mom. I know it because I heard them calling her last week. Weeping on the phone with her thanking her for being a second mom when they needed one. They are in Iowa, and Los Angeles, and Salt Lake, and St. George and Buffalo. Some don't even speak English that well. For years she taught "Girls Creative Dance" she made enough money to pay for a babysitter for us and for her studio. She did it because she had to. She did it because the kids needed a Miss Susan to show them "hello mr. toes" and how to twirl and twirl and twirl, those little girls were all her daughters too. The girls that have married into this family, they became daughters too. Maybe they were harder, because she didn't choose them and they were taking something that she loved so much. But there is no doubt that that they were her daughters.

And even when it is hard to love, she kept on loving. I don't want to get into stories here, but you know who you are. The inconvenient loves, the loves on the other side of the political fence. Mom does that well. This is starting to sound like a Eulogy, but it isn't, it's about a weekend.

My mom has found the time to do what she wants to do. So I can find some time to do a little of what I want to do, and that's spend time with her.

So I went to Buffalo.

We talked about girls and dating. She gave me advice, some of it unwanted but all of it needed, desperately needed. We watched a little "What not to wear", we took naps on the couch, We went to the doctors, and chemo, and after Chemo and she had some appetite I took her on a date to an Italian restaurant where she let me pay. We went shopping for flowers, we filmed a cooking show so that she can show anyone how to make chocolate roll (a family recipe), we played with little Taylor, we fixed her website, we had a chocolate roll breakfast on the porch in the shade of her trees. We got hot wings, even though she couldn't eat any but because she knew I wanted some, I showed her my iPad and she pretended to care. We prayed together over our food and on the last night there I prayed with my Mom and my Dad and hugged them and told them I loved them and cried.

Now my mom is a fighter, and she is not gone yet, but the Lord knows her days and will take her when her mission is done. But you see, I want her to live a million years and meet my wife and my kids and all that, I want her to teach them "hello mr. toes" and how to twirl and twirl and twirl. I want her to give my wife advice on how to handle a guy like me. but for now, I can just find time to do what I want to do. And that is to do what she always taught, stay busy and keep moving, usually in the direction of other.

Now another wise person once said, "No success can compensate for failure in the home". What does that even mean? what is failure in the home? Is it when your kid grows up to be a ruffian? or a chiropractor? what if he leaves the church? or does something bad? is that a failure? What if he uses WAY too many question-marks?

No, that isn't failure. Those are the kids decisions. Failure in the home is if the kids grow up and don't know right from wrong. If the kids grow up and don't know that they are loved. There is a lot of stuff to figure out in life, especially as a parent. But you get those things right and you have done your job. My Mom does a lot of things that are great, but most importantly she lets us know we are loved, She teaches us right and wrong. Sometimes imperfectly, but she does these things.

I am not going to wait until people are gone to say these things. Today I am going to do the things I want to do. I am going to tell the people that I love, that I love them. I am going to leave work when it's more important to spend time with people. I am going to find beauty and love every day, and I am going to love the people that are difficult to love. I am going to find time to do what I want to do.

I made a music video and it was okay

2010-03-18T09:50:00.000-07:00

a while ago I made this music video on a date

but it wasn't for real. It was just for fun.

then I had a chance to make a music video FOR REALS for the Late Night Alumni. (see making of blog here) I have been hankering to film old people dancing in slow motion.

I also got to play with some lighting techniques. Play is often an underrated part of art. When we play with art, we try new things and make mistakes, but also stumble on happy accidents. Because the studio portion of this video wasn't covered in my budget, I figured I could do what I wanted to do. If I was viewing it as a purely client project, I would have played it much safer. Since I had some leeway I tried a few things.

I had seen this little french film and felt inspired by it.

What worked: the swinging lights, the altered frame rates

What didn't work: the shininess that I was trying to use to amplify the effect of the swinging lights. Unfortunately, this is most of the feedback on youtube about the video. We used glycerin to try to create the "glisten" effect, unfortunately it took focus away from Michelle Phan's incredible Make-up job

regardless, I am pretty happy with the results. Even if Becky looks "sweaty" "greasy" or "shiny" I think she looks beautiful here.

On Film Making

2010-02-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

My brother Brandon does these great posts on storytelling on his blog. I wish I wrote stuff like that.

Instead, I get a lot of people who tell me they have a great idea for a movie, and they ask me if I want to make it. I wanted to write a blog post about this, but haven't had the time. This week I got a message on facebook from someone I met asking me this. She had sent me a message before asking if I wanted to "make a movie", and I had kind of ignored it. and she seemed a little bummed that I hadn't answered her request earlier.

Anyway, here is how I responded.

Sorry I didn't respond sooner.

I didn't think you were serious about making a film. Here is the deal: Films are hard to make and expensive. Every week I get a lot of people that want to make a movie tell me about their idea. Some are good, some are not, but they are all expensive and all are hard to make.(EDIT: removed some personal whiny info) Here are some thoughts. They are kind of flippant, but so am I.

Here are some things to get you started:

-Get ready to be criticized. No one will ever love your idea as much as you do. (this is true of every movie). You will spend the next two years trying to get people to love your idea. That part is the financing part.

-The idea is only worth the paper it is printed on. If it is a fully developed screenplay, it has more paper and is worth more. but an idea by itself is not worth anything. (even a really really good idea).

-Financing is the hardest part. Cheap movies cost about 5 million dollars to make (a number I made up). People want to spend money on there own ideas so you will either need a) a lot of money b) a rich relative or c) a plan in how to turn someone else's money and your idea into a lot of money for them.

-Festivals can create buzz, but they seldom create profit. 90% (a number which I just made up) of movies at Sundance don't end up making much money. which is only important if you are using someone else's money and they plan on getting it back.

-I lied when I said financing the movie is the hardest part. Making it is the hardest part. I can't tell you how to do this part. I am still figuring it out, but I have some ideas.

-Lastly, here is my first bit of feedback on your idea: It doesn't seem like a very good one. Now don't get offended. I routinely get ripped for bad ideas and some of my best ideas have been torn to shreds. But this idea, as you presented it, doesn't seem very good. But I don't know, maybe with the right script, or the right director AND the right script it could be very funny. (EDITED TO REMOVE THE ACTUAL IDEA)

Now all of that can be overcome, but you have an uphill battle on your hands. I am sorry if this advice isn't very helpful. This is a hard business.

Good luck with your script!

-Damian

I probably come off as a jerk, but I promise, I am much less of a jerk than most of the people that you come in contact with when trying to get a movie made.

I've been gone since November

2010-02-17T15:50:00.001-08:00

NOVEMBER!/!?! serioulsy, November?

So, I have been busy. Since then I have:

growed a beard (it is sharp and pointy)

celebrated dos holidays

Cooked Christmas Dinner for 15

Shot, directed and edited my first music video (it gets released this week)

flew to Mexico, San Francisco and off the handle.

Landed our company's first national commercial (it involves fire, racecars and ponies)

ate a lot of burgers and Kentucky GRILLED chicken

cleaned my house

made a mess of my house

moved wards (Hello, married Mormons!)

worked with Kyle Busch (of Nascar fame), Sam Sarcinella (of I-am-engaged to Kyle Busch fame) and David Archuletta

Watched some TV

thought about Andre Churro, the inventor of the Churro.

blogged a bit elsewhere

managed expectations

went on a road trip (not like the movie)

camped

snow shewed

cooked some tinfoil dinner

didn't sleep

lost 40% of my hearing (left ear only)

spent time with niece-child

and so forth.

Mostly I have been working (like a dog, a hard-working dog) So I better write some blog stuff down. Maybe I will just post some blog-like emails that I wrote for work.

okay then.

Mormon Art

2009-11-05T18:20:00.000-08:00

I like to draw during Church and during Sunday School we talked about the Pioneers. They truly suffered and sacrificed a lot to come to this valley. We always talk about the major sacrifices of the pioneers, but sometimes don't think about their lesser sacrifices.

LIFE!

2009-11-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

I was going to do a bunch of stuff today. You know, get out there, really get stuff done. But just thinking about it was just wearing me out.

I think I am going to wait for my life to come out on DVD, but it'd be better if I could just download it on Hulu.

Coolest/Nerdiest day

2009-10-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

So I haven't wrote in this blog for a bit.

but then, I got interviewed to be on the OFFICIAL Star Wars blog, so I think that kind of make up for it. If you see me, I will mention this because it is TOTALLY bragable.

This happened because I learned how to use Twitter from my brother Adrian.

Also, because I have the Force.

Books (not the band, but you should listen to them also)

2009-08-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have many ideas for books, many are partially written and some are just (good?) ideas. Maybe those few of you that haven't stopped checking my blog periodically can help me figure out which one to finish first. The parentheticals aren't subtitles, but descriptions (if the title is not enough)

Here we go:

• Who Died and Made You a Casserole? Funeral Potatoes and other sad dishes (Mormon recipes and their reinvention).

• Women are From Mars and Men Can Make Sound Effects (Okay, we get it were different, but your formula is all wrong)

• Gardening Through the Apocalypse (because you can't live off of Capreses Salad and Salsa. imagine the Zombie Survival Guide mixed with Victory Gardens)

• Confessions of a Mormon Menace. (self congratulation/flagellation)

• So You Are Having a(n Evil) Baby? (the story of Ploepl and Hoetz and their concerned parents)

•Gryphon Bicycles (juvenile literature about a boy who flies, but not the way he dreams about)

•Carl Alt Delete (short story, a man creates his own online resurection after he find offline life so disatisfying)

Well what do you, my adoring public want (both of you)?

Maybe I should just focus on coming up with titles. I could go off for a while on movie ideas as well.

Let's just be friends

2009-08-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

She said that maybe we should just be friends.

I countered and asked if we could be friends with benefits.

She asked me what I meant.

I said, that maybe we should be friends but she should pay for my health insurance.

The summer of...

2009-06-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I promised a name for summer a long time ago. without a name this summer has been

The Summer of not warm but with lots of rain.
The Summer of not eating enough frozen custard
The Summer of I guess I'll just watch a little Ultimate Fighting until Daisy of Love is over.
Overtime Summer
The Summer of really, really, it's raining again
The Summer of life would probably be 100% more interesting with 10% more zombie attacks
The Summer of INTERNET!!!
The Summer of Saturday nights are for finishing videos about exciting business opportunities

THAT my friends is why it is important to name your summers. Without a name, your summer knows not what to do.

This summer may be many things

Roadtrip Summer
The Summer of Swing (rope not married couples)
The Summer of Love (didn't work the first time)
Homegrown Summer (I have a garden)
Air Summer (michael r.i.p.)

I even tried to sell everyone on this idea:

THE SUMMER OF DAMIAN

You know if everyone focused on me for one summer, we could take turns. Just think of how awesome this would be(for me).

But I think this summer is about the slower things, the finer things.

This summer is

The Backyard Summer

I'm not going to do anything inside this summer that I can do outside. I have a new garden a new firepit and a hammock that needs some quality time. Some of this summer will be in my little back yard, and some will be in the BIG backyard.

Even though I am the indoorsy type, this is the backyard summer. If you want a T-shirt just email me (though I already printed them up, but with the Summer of Damian logo, so that will have to do). So quit moping around the house for Michael (r.i.p.) and Suzanne Sommers (the King of Dunks and the Queen of Thighs) and start moping around your backyard.

This Summer Needs a Name

2009-05-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

But I don't thin you are going to like it.

announcement coming soon...

Bad Words

2009-03-30T16:43:00.000-07:00

I've got a side project. It's words that I hate.

Swears aren't the only kind of bad words out there.

linky link

INTEGRITAS

2009-03-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

So I have been doing an experiment.

This is for my brother Adrian, but really for me. Adrian is one of the most self-motivated people that I know. Currently he is working on an experiment about living with age-old virtues.

So here is the challenge that I have taken, and the pursuant experiment. For a year take up the cause of improving upon your virtues. Each month has a virtue associated with it and I personally challenge myself to live with that virtue as I understand it. I wear a wristband to remind me of that virtue and to talk with people who ask me about it. So this is the end of the first month. The month of INTEGRITY.

What a roast on me, huh? I mean I try to live with some integrity, but to proclaim myself as any kind of expert on the matter is cringe-inducing at best, hypocrisy at worst. But I want to be a better person and took up the challenge (even though I am not a bracelet-kind-of-guy).

What does Integrity mean? The Latin INTEGRITAS had something to do with being whole, or wholly united. I think of it as being "the same throughout". For me it has to do with a certain type of internal honesty and resistance to relativistic thinking.

My personal challenge consisted of a broad challenge, "Living with more integrity" and a specific challenge "To be unwilling to criticize anyone without being willing to offer the critique to them first." Yeah, really kind of me to be willing to criticize more. My thought though was that it would reduce criticism, especially backbiting and open opportunities for dialogue. To be the same in front of people as when they weren't there.

I found this challenge pushed me, pushed me to overcome resistance to confrontation, but I also had to bite my tongue a little more. Timing, when it comes to criticism it seems every bit as important as what is actually said. If an employee can and will correct behavior, no one else needs to know about it. If there is a family issue that needs to be discussed, talking about it with the person in-question accomplishes something. Whining about it to everyone else builds greater distrust. I don't want to use specifics from this challenge, because most of the conversations that ensued were great, but private, and by having more integrity I was able to keep my gripes that way.

So the month went fairly well, But I think I could use a year or two more working on this virtue. I am kind of proud of one story. i have that new phone, the one that people are talking about as a life-changing phone (it isn't, it's just a phone, but more computery). I had an extended warranty and the software started to act goofy. I was going to take it in, but I dropped it in some water and quickly pulled it out of the water. Over the next few days the software issue got worse.

So what do I do? The software problem was totally legit and should be covered, but I also did this bad warranty-voidable thing? As I pulled up to the minimalist store I had this debate in my head. How much do I really need to tell this guy to get my phone fixed? Is omission honest? Perhaps it is, but I thought it lacked integrity, so I tugged on my wristband and walked in. Some genius was signed up to help me and I decided to tell the whole story. To neither embellish nor to apologize, but to tell it like it is.

Unbeknown* to me the phone has a little moisture detector inside. I hadn't tripped the detector and I was in the clear and got a new phone. Now if I had lied, and the detector had been tripped, I wouldn't have a replacement phone, and this guy and I would both think I was a liar (which I try not to be). If I had told the truth and the detector had been tripped, the result would have been the same, but both the genius and I would have known that I told the truth.

In the end the "integrity" didn't win me a new phone. But I did win something. I proved to myself that I could be honest when it is easier not to be. This other guy saw it too. How much is your reputation worth? Certainly more than the price of a phone.

Oh yeah, this is how that story ends. The next day the phone fell out of my shirt pocket and cracked the screen. The software works just fine though, so it looks like I will be paying for my next phone upgrade.

*really that's a word?

What I have been up to:

2009-03-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

not much
just hangin' out
takin' it easy
just givin' people a soft time
leavin' off the last "g"
gettin' r' done
you know...
bloggin' what's on my noggin
Makin' brothers with the others (on LOST)
the usual
The yoozh
work, then rest. Next day, more work.
watchin' TV
drawin' on shoes
just chillin' yo
about 185 lbs.
the same ole stuff
the innernette
napping, a lot of napping
partyin' like it's somewhere near the end of the last century
mostly ponderin' regrets
abject loneliness
twitter
wistful sitting
a lot of facebook
roadtrips!!! (but mostly thinkin' about them)
reading
The Rock of Love (bus)
I can't believe it's not butter (spray)
makin' mac n' cheese
longin'

Good Weekend

2009-01-26T14:23:00.000-08:00

Highlights of this weekend included, but was not limited to

Thai Soup
Hot Cocoa
BSG
Hard Ticket To Hawaii
Steve Brule's tips for lonliness (click link on "living").
Supercut 3000
cupcakes

Hail Murray

Party Beards International*

Hotel Zombie
Surprise Brother
Church Lesson
Yamtastic

Soul Food Sunday

All in all not a bad weekend.

WARNING: Party beards should not be used while eating
cookies

cupcakes

nachos

or
Seven Layer dip [with bread knife]

These Boots

2009-01-19T13:44:00.000-08:00

So one of my resolute resolutions was to make some more shoes this year. I am coupling that with a new blog to show off some of the shoes I have made in the past or will be making in the future.

Go here if you want to check it out, and let me know if you want a pair.

Since lists are working for me these days, I thought I'd make a list of future shoe designs:

Sharkfoot
Cloudkickers
The Big Toe
Kickzilla
Appendix Jokes: the shoe
the Yargbott 2000
The Wacky Circumference
The Shoehorn (teeth included)
Thorn foot
a shoe by any other name
Elizabeth Shoe
Shew flies
Star shoe-ter
Kick star (t)
Love and Rockets
Little Green Men
Darth Shoe
Boba Foot
Storm Kickers
Moon man
footloose (this is a shoe with bacon drawn on it)

This year

2009-01-08T15:26:00.000-08:00

To quote The Mountain Goats, "I am gonna make it through this year, if it kills me" since lists are a thing to do these days, I am going to write a list of goals, resolutions, plots, ideas of things to do

Run a marathon (do this in weekly increments, 1/2 mile every week oughta do)
Start selling my shoes on the internet
buy more shoes (so I don't go barelyfoot)
hot tub
make a shirt that says "it's better to hot tub, than to not tub"
make a shirt that says "What happens on the internet, stays on the internet"
resist the urge to start an internet t-shirt company
start new trend in fashion called business jammies
more naps with greater focus
spend less time watching crappy TV
spend MORE time watching excellent TV
get in shape
accept "round" as a shape
less pain
more joy
more almond joys
avoid paralysis
buy a muppet
create something for the ages
create something for the ageist (that makes fun of the elderly and their fragile hips)
name a child Agamemnon (it doesn't have to be mine)
find a baby momma
do a pushup
make bacon-butter a reality
Paella
get into at least one, anger-fueled pie fight
Get this show idea done
hold hands, feed ducks, kiss on a bridge
involve someone else in aforementioned goal
get new roommates (seriously, I am losing two good ones)
popecat
buy more art
spend more time with my friend Art
Conference calls with Trace and Brian, have action items
get a focus for this blog
use new camera.
Go on at least three road trips with the sole purpose of finding a good place to watch a movie
Make it to the Art Institute of Chicago, re-inact the scene from Ferris Bueller's Day Off
take the day off (with or without Ferris Bueller)
Get out of the country at least once, but not Canada (AKA: America light)
stop copying Brandon's joke about Canada
find out what's wrong with my guts
Paint a mural in guest bedroom and get people to stay in it.
bring less shame to the family name.
more insulation for the family house
backyard bbq
hot pots
hot pockets
get in at least one really good argument with someone that I love, and maintain a good relationship afterward.
break my heart or at least wound it.
cause less pain.
Thursday Night Movie Night, it's time to comeback.
MORE PANTS!!!
be less of a brat
clean up after myself, maybe even before myself (if I get ambitious)
cook at one fine meal a week, and by "fine" meal, I mean one that doesn't come frozen and have the name "lumberjack" on the box.
Gazpachho
find a couple of new Breakfast joints.
Be someone that others can lean on.
After they have been leaning on me for a while, quickly step aside so they fall down.
Rediscover the genius that is Yakov Smirnoff.
Pursue idea for "Perfect Strangers: The Movie"
coin a phrase
cash in coins in Spiderman-head-bank
Nickelcade
get past "Difficult" in Fieldrunners (grasslands)
keep opinions to myself
learn to animate in Motion
finish the ogre that is TCWWAK
more time on Wikipedia
less time on Wickedpedia
further entrench self in the position that musical theater is "not that enjoyable".
Come up with one new thing to do.
Talk to family at least once a week.
Less swearing
more wearing (pants)
see docs at Sundance.
see doctors after Sundance.
Be grateful
finish the cabin
New York City, 'cause I miss it.
be okay.

I think if I hit 50%, the year will be a full success.

It don't matter what I'm getting, 'cause this is what I got.

2008-12-24T14:16:00.003-08:00

"Expectation leads to disappointment". This is a common idea in Zen Buddhism, there is something about it that never sat right with me. Hoping big and dreaming big and working big is the only way to get anything of value done. Maybe I am wrong though. Maybe when I have a disappointing Christmas it's because I wish so big, and my list of what I want is so much bigger than what I get. So to combat that, here is my new list, not of what I am getting, but what I've already got. (In no particular order)

Mom
Dad
A (pretty good) robot dance
hands (glad)
Turkey Dinner
Nog (Egg)
Long talks in the car that don't end when the drive does
A chicken costume
friends who trust me with their problems
A book of poems about love and life that I is half full
Little Owen who asks if he can hold me.
House M.D.
Kineto Pictures Inc.
A Bunch of empty sketchpads
A bunch of full sketchpads
Cameron
Hot Wings (and blue Cheese)
Olivia yelling "Uncle Damian" with all the parts of her lungs
General Health
Working plumbing (in the house)
Working plumbing (in my body)
Danny
Morgan asking me to tickle her toes
Grape Juice
Prayer
A love of Art
a taste for Chocolate
a pretty decent Kurosawa collection (on DVD)
some couches
Ben's art (including frame)
conference calls with friends (and bullet points)
inside jokes
Fast Internet!
ideas
chocolate roll
pie
vans
Van Gogh
Ties
SO many ties
running and running and running (but not for exercise)
3-2-1 blastoff
Pushing Daises (mostly just the first season)
Lee (and how he does)
a heart
a head
everything in between (and some things in the periphery)
hammock in the backyard
A business partner who is loyal and dreams big.
little people who call me "Uncle Damian"
little people who make Hot Cocoa
a couple of years in Spain
The opportunity to travel
the Joy of cooking (the book, thanks Jean)
the Joy of Cooking (the joy)
bad jokes
languages
Fuzzle
socks and wood floors
Hot N' Ready Pizzas
sharp suits
Musical Friends
Mp3s
empty canvases
unfinished scripts
knowledge
gaps in knowledge
The Doofer (GDX)
days when I don't have a thing to do
days when I have enough to keep me busy and my mind off the emptiness
bookstores
Freedom (more or less)
agency
a church calling where people have to listen to me
Brandon Brand New Dayton
things that make me "step up"
things that make me "step up" and "Take it to the streets"
the career of one Mr. Vin Diesel
Annie Dayton and rides from the airport
the Junior Bacon Cheese Cheeseburger
Tyra's ego
Cokeville
the Ranch years
Grandma and Grandpa Dayton
Gramps and Grandma
ANTM
Adrian
Adrian's schemes (also his Hijinks)
work
rest
talented friends
The Brothers
The Brothers Karamazov
Franny and Zoey
Enders Game
Benders
Trace n' Brian
Heggs
T-bone
Sirloins
Smythers n' Lindsay
Cookies n' Cream
Friends in other cities
The Book of Mormon
The Bible
and other good books

I could keep writing, but I got stuff to do. So Merry Christmas, and remember that it don't matter what you're getting if you remember what you've got.

All I want for Christmas

2008-12-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

Sweaters
shirts
no hats
ties, skinny ties or regular ties
a new suit
a new blazer or two (40R)
I'd like to lose 15 pounds
a pound of chocolate
an ounce of good sense
Antique stuff
an Eames chair
Anything Atomic age
except a nuclear warhead
vintage film cameras (super 8 is the best)
the new iphone earbuds
"to Live" the movie by Zhang Yimou (I have now lost/given away 3 copies of this)
"man on wire" the movie
Minerva Teichert's Christ in the Red Robes
some cool throw pillows for my couch downstairs, something modern
blank vans
sketch books
food
Joy of cooking (my old copy is getting worn out)
"A storyteller in ZIon" I lost my older copy
The new Ender's Game book (it's on the best seller list)
Extras: the complete series
the Sanjuro/Yojimbo criterion collection boxed set (I already own the movies but the set is SO gorgeous)
a punch in the face
a real live muppet
the gift of not-vomitting in the morning (the gift that keeps on giving)
a roll of quarters (for punching, then for video games)
6 piece chicken McNuggets
throwing star magnets
I want Cameron to know that Krull is NOT a good movie anymore
pretty much anything from the criterion collection
a new heart (similar to the old one, but less breaky)
a hot tub
a warm tub
ambition
pie (the treat, not the never-ending number)
a dolphin
a cyborg
a cyborg dolphin
a submarine that looks like a dolphin (so we can be friends)
a boat car
a car boat
a concept I can use to finish my story
pie cake
a reprieve from angst
a hover car
a bucket of gold
something mid-century modern
more Kung Fu pajamas
a gorilla suit (to go with the chicken suit)
a new digital camera (mine got stoled- again)
an octagon (for ultimate fighting)
Zombie Movies
Zombie Moves
"Zombie" by the Cranberries
some time to think
a clown cart
a calculator watch
the GI Joe aircraft carrier
The movie "Blood Simple" I haven't seen it. by the Coen Brothers
a chocolate orange ('cause I am getting one anyway)
a clockwork orange
some "Aspen" cologne (see above)
Music by any of the following bands: "Tunng" "Thao and the get down and stay downs" "the Books" "Feist""the Bird and the Bee", but who buys CD's anymore?
the Seagate portable pocket drive 250 gigabyte with firewire 800.
a massage
Atlantic Monthly magazine subscription
a headband
time alone
"Home Alone"
something the relieve the boredom

I think that about covers it, but maybe I am just setting myself up for disappointment.

Disappointing Christmas

2008-12-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

I apologize for what I am about to write.

Christmas is
disappointing

Or at least it can be. I remember one of my good friends (Nate) asking for rollerblades for Christmas. He was 14 and his parents certainly had the means. As he rushed downstairs to see what was waiting beneath the glowing Christmas Tree he found...

a filing cabinet.

I don't think there is a man nor woman alive, who at one point didn't look up to a loving mother and say, "Oh ...socks. Thanks mom, yeah I really needed ...socks. yeah, I see there are different colors" And I have to wonder if that first Christmas was a little disappointing to Joseph. He was marrying a woman who was giving birth to a child that was not his. He couldn't even arrange for a clean room to spend the night and had to settle for a barn. On top of all that he had to deal with strange sheep hearders and foreigners visiting through the night. I have to wonder if he looked up and said "Oh...myrrh. Thanks, yeah I really needed ...mrryh. yeah, I see it comes with frankinsense too."

But somehow I don't think he was disappointed. He saw the birth of Christ, the foretold Messiah. His wife and child, the child that he would get to raise, were healthy. Angels rejoiced and people gathered from every economic strata to honor him. I think Joseph was open to play it by ear and take what came. He didn't know what Christmas would be and he took it as it came and was open to the new experience.

For me Christmas is a great time, but it is often disappointing. I don't think it was by accident that the glorious nativity is often surrounded by tales of disappointment. One of my favorite lyrics is this, "If it wasn't for disappointment, I wouldn't have any appointments." Thus is life.

I'll be honest, life has had it's share of disappointments lately (many of which are of my own making). I think of a lot of people who aren't where they thought they would be are looking forward to a disappointing Christmas. I think that can be temperred by being open, like Joseph must have been, to whatever Christmas we will be given.

But I think of Simeon and Anna in the Old Testament, who each waited faithfully year after disappointing year, visiting the temple regularly until they got a chance to see the child Messiah. They are not surrounded by fellow faithful or even family in their tales. Just lone people that had some hope.

As I go into this winter solstice, this time of year with the worlds longest night, I know that the sun will come again, as will the Son of God. And disappointments are for the moment, and fleeting. My friend Nate still uses his filing cabinet, and probably chuckles and thinks of his Dad. I have probably worn through the socks but I know that my Mom cares about how warm my feet are.

As I go into this Christmas, I am deciding not to be disappointed. I am not going to be attatched to what Christmas has been and look forward to what it will be, and to enjoy every minute.

Selling your soul

2008-11-20T08:55:00.000-08:00

The best advertising is a good product. But not really, not if no one knows about it. I think the best brands are ones that speak to me in a way that doesn't yell "Our widgets are the BEST!" but put forth a positive ideal. I don't currently own a pair of Nike shoes but their "Just Do It" campaign is durable and great. Check out this ad out. (so much great stuff in there, from Derek Redmond, the cheetahs and runners to the Winged Victory of Samothrace[also known as "the nike"])

Now the cynical part of me wants to reject inspiring ads and thinks, "they just want me to feel better and associate that with there brand." but once in a while I am willing to suspend my cynicism, if for a few moments.

I love this dream of an ad . But I like it even more now that I have read this purported letter from an engineer at Honda.(For double your fun read the letter while listening to the ad.)

I don't believe in the super-consumer, especially since corporations can change from an idyllic brand that thinks big and has their arms wide open to a money hungry machine with a scarcity mentality. But I think some companies get it, at least for a while and I am willing to march a few of my dollars their way.

Smells like a Good Idea

2008-11-18T11:05:00.000-08:00

So I went to a great and bizarre show last night. Of Montreal was in town and the seldom disappoint (Thanks Danny for the heads up). I have heard them probably four times now, each in different venues, and last night they played in the new/old venue The Murray Theater (Guy, get a real website, but still, this may be the best venue in Utah, make note)

I think I may be in love. The show didn't stop for one second and each song was accompanied with odd video visuals and live action vignettes performed by a crew of 4-7 performers that included scenes like an old-timey bar fight and golden aliens raising a shaving-cream covered Kevin Barnes from the dead. The show finished with a great cover of the Ramones (I forget the song) then Smells Like Teens Spirit (which made me wish I was a teen again).

But here is the Good Idea : The swag table had all the usual t-shirts, buttons and CD's. But they also had several cool objects (like lamps, wall stickers and 3D posters). Each purchase came with a digital download of the new "Skeletal Lamping Collection". And each object had a very Of Montreal signature style to it.

I always like to support artists and buy stuff at shows because more of your money goes to the artist than to the label (at least that's what I think), but the truth is I often have the record, or at least the songs that I want from that band (or I probably wouldn't go to that show). Of Montreal usually includes secret discs when you buy something at a show, but this is a one up on that idea. This unique idea lets you get a piece of creativity that you can pass on in a way that you can't do with an mp3 (Vinyl collectors often say that you can't pass down an mp3 collection to your kids). I love it. Polyvinyl records, and other labels have been doing it with Vinyl records for a while now (which I believe has helped the vinyl industry , but I don't have numbers), but I thought it was incredibly creative way of looking outside a normal marketing paradigm. Plus you get cool stuff. For the artist I don't think it was about marketing though (He gave away a melody to Outback steakhouse for a song).*

From the packaging of the wall stickers that I bought:

"The goal of the Skeletal Lamping Collection is to expand the perception of music packaging beyond the traditional flat, square artwork. ...
...Ideally every object you bring into your home should feel exceptional to you, otherwise it just adds to the clutter and chaos of your life. We feel, there's no reason to produce another object that just sits on a shelf. We only want to produce objects that have functionality and can be treasured for their singularity. "

Kudos to Of Montreal and thier label on this one. I hope others follow suit.

*Maybe this discussion should be another blog post on selling albums vs. selling out and what to do when an ad agency murders your song and you are legally obliged to not say a thing about it. But I am glad they played the original at the show. So good that it made me not want to go Outback tonight.

Good Ad, Bad Ad

2008-10-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

People in the Ad world all want a memorable ad. The problem, I think is that a memorable ad does not make it an effective one. Even ads that I love have little connection with the brand, or even worse, get in the way of a really great product.

I think the Mac vs. PC ads are kind of like that.

It was fairly clever at first, but know I feel like a voyeur watching a bad Jr. High Election debate. I really don't care about Vista problems and I don't think Apple gets any traction by talking about their competitors, when they could just show us cool pictures of their lovely machines and we will drool and buy them. They plug into the desire that pushes a consumer forward (as do their original ipod silhouette ads).

Here is another case in point: Holiday Inn Express.
Good ads? Great ads? Well they are totally memorable ads, but all they tell us is that a really clever agency came up with some good creative. Holiday Inn Express = Smart. Does this make you want to consume this product? I want to be smart, and furthermore, I want people to think I am smart, but it doesn't move me.

Here is the thing, the Holiday Inn Express brand is a new product. Previously my brain put Holiday Inns in the same category as Best Western: Cheap, family motels where you pull the bed spread off when you walk in so as to not make contact with the stains. But the new ads aren't much different than their older ads which had a similar message(and were very clever).

I stayed at an express a few weeks ago and discovered that they are much closer to the Marriot line as far as quality goes. They have a standardized set of accommodations including really fantastic beds, nice linens and a selection of firm or soft pillows depending on your preference. Everything about the place is restful and they have this nice graphic touch labeling everything (towels=soft, soap= cleanse) This may just feel like a cutesy decorating touch, but it is a little detail that you notice when you stay that assures you that your lodgings are going to be what you expected.

Doing a fair amount of travel for work, I am going to prefer this brand to others, but not because of the ads, which I like, but because the experience is much different, and better than I expected. I am surprised that they have done nothing, advertising-wise to express the difference between the Holiday Inn Express and the Holiday Inn Family Resorts. There is a series on the breakfast bars which is nice, but nothing to really distinquish the brand (P.S. the breakfast bar is really pretty okay, at least a half-step above the regular "continental breakfast" spreads). The desires that push me when finding a place to stay when I am traveling for work are generally: rest, security and price. I find that the HI Express is pretty competitive in all three. So maybe that is why I wish the ads did their job better.

Or maybe it's just because I have been staying at Holiday Inn Expresses and I really am that much smarter and can improve their ads for them now.

Any other ads out there that are funny/memorable, but don't move you as a consumer?

Company Blog

2008-10-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

My company, Kineto Pictures Inc., started a blog a while ago. Laura, our office manager who is also a talented and clever writer, updates it regularly. So if you want to see what we are up to and check out some fun links, go here.

More Moderation in all things

2008-10-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

Come on guys, no body running for president is a terrorist, or a criminal, or an idiot.

They all misspeak, they have all shook hands with someone they don't agree with and have probably spoken at events that you wouldn't attend. But enough with the invective already. I am growing tired of the politics of calling your opponent a fool, a liar, or a thief.

Neither of our candidates are saints. I wish more of the debate was about their policies of governance. No matter whom is elected, they will probably spend less time working towards the cause that you believe in and more time trying to patch together a broken economy, and trying to find enough money to simply run the government.

I don't think there is a more apt time to reflect on JFK words, now is not a time to ask our country what it can do for us.

I still believe in an honorable American ideal, maybe it is like Plato's chair and doesn't really exist, but I think we are still a people willing to work to build it.

Either way, I'd like to encourage you to vote, but also to do a little ready, studying, thinking and praying. You might come to a different conclusion than me, but that's what we can do for our country.

Moderation in all things

2008-10-08T15:10:00.001-07:00

I added comment moderation a while ago. While I like people to feel that they can post whatever they'd like I do have family members come here and I got a few comments on my couches post that contained a few choice words (not of my choosing).

I might go back to the old way, but this is just an FYI if you post and wonder why your comment doesn't show up immediately.

Also, it is much easier to comment when you aren't using a reader. I forgot to mention that. I don't comment nearly as much as I used to.

links

2008-10-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

I kind of like this blog world. I have found though that how I interact with it greatly alters my experience. I use to have everyone bookmarked and I could wander for hours checking on un-updated blogs and discovering new ones. Bloglinks are the new friendoffriends.

Now I use a reader (googlereader) which is far more efficient, but it does change some things. One, I don't have to sort through so many before I find someone who has updated. Two, I can follow a lot more blogs. But the third thing is what makes me wistful, to wit: I am less likely to stumble upon a new blog unless someone links to it in the body of their post. So I miss that, but maybe it allows me to actually get work done during the day (I follow about 70 blogs). I think that this kind of "success" in the blog world has also got to inhibit the blogs ability to make money (I don't see banner ads anymore).

This different kind of interaction has also made me think about critical mass. If a blogger doesn't post much I forget about hirm (him/her), but my reader remembers, and when they come back to life, I can follow them again. But there are a couple of blogs that I really like that post WAY too much. I followed the serif for a long time (graphic design is one of my secret-wish jobs), and even though they have great taste over there and are posting a lot of interesting content. There are just TOO many posts on a daily basis for me. Now that might just be me, but I think any more than one or two posts a day is about my limit. The Sartorialist (THE fashion blog) hits that maximum about right, but anymore and I might have to remove him as well. I am only a casual observer of both fields (though I might use concepts gleaned from either in my work). Personal blogs can hit critical mass pretty easily. I think though, that ideally once a week is a nice figure, especially if everyone didn't update on the same day (Right now there is a deluge of Monday updaters, whom I theorize are trying to prove that their weekend was the fabuloustest, or who simply need to put off starting the work week as long as possible by blogging).

My other pet peeve is people that write really long blog entries (even if I like the content), so maybe I should end this now.

FYI

2008-09-12T17:38:00.001-07:00

for those googloopers out there. I am number 7 when you do a search of "Hockey Taz Tatoos". Maybe I need some pics so I can be more helpful to searchers.

eCouches dot com

2008-09-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

If you know me, then you probably know "Big Blue" the old family couch that made its way into my basement. Well I tried to get modern and I bought a new couch. With so many couches in my house now (I count 4), I figured I should get rid of one and as much as I will miss Big Blue (AKA Bluey, or "The Snuggler"), I decided I should sell him.

What better way to sell things than with the internets. Basically it is the "net" of computers and you can use your computers to look at my computers. It's all kinds of complicated, but anywho, I put up an advertisement on Facedbook. You can see it here.

I got one interested party, but it was a hassle to be at home when they wanted to pick it up ('cause lazy) plus I have stadium seating in my basement now. So I didn't sell it, but the ad(vertisement) has been up for months. Then out of the blue I started getting e.mails (electro-mails) offering to buy. This thing has been up for months and the emails look a little fishy, so I decided to respond. I know there are professionals that do this much better than I do, but I thought I'd let you folks in on my eCommunications on the eInternet.

Letter number one:

Here it is if you hate to read pictures:

Initially i will like you to email me back to this email address now,
kelly_wilson505@yahoo.com
I'm ok with the price for the item. I'll be using this opportunity to let you understand that you'll be receiving the payment in mode of check from my client and the amount you'll be receiving will be more than the item fees. Like i told you i'm purchasing on behalf of my client and the excess payment is my own commission with the money i'll need to pay for our shipping company. So i want you to promise me that you are so honest to deduct just the amount for the item and send the excess money through westernunion as soon as you receive the payment from my client. The payment will be sent immediately you agree with me to deduct just the amount for the item and send the balance through any WESTERN UNION OFFICE well known to you and you'll be receiving it the next day. &n bsp; one more time i want you to get back to me with this email addreess to day **omitted**

There won't be any problem about the shippment. I'll be handling that with my DHL# so i want you to get back to me asap now with your full mailing information. Email me your full name, address and phone# now if you agree and assure me that you'll deduct just the amount for the item and send the balance through WESTERN UNION so that the payment can be sent immediately.
Notice i want you to go and end the auction for me i would end it by my self but i dont know i to do it if u can do that for me i will adding $10 to your payment
Here is the email addreess yiou have to email me back now
kelly_wilson505@yahoo.com

Below are the questions i have for you.

1)is the item in good condition?

2)is any WESTERN UNION location where you can send the balance money arround you?

3)can you make sure you get the payment cashed at your bank the same day you receive it?

4)can you allow me to send DHL for the pick up and complete the transaction the day you receive the check?

If yes to all my questions, kindly email me back your full name, address and mobile# asap today

i want you to email me your full name and addreess
YOU CAN EMAIL ME BACK TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS NOW
**omitted**
Thanks,

My response:
Can you pay for this item with gold dubloons? I'd appreciate it if you could pay for this item in gold dubloons as I have decided to move towards the gold standard. You can deliver them however you want but preferably in a small burlap sack with an "$" on the side (I prefer the "$" with two lines through it if possible :))

thanx! (you will love this couch!!!)
____________

The day before I got this message:
RESPONSE TO THIS MESSAGE SHOULD BE SENT TO (paulsmth7610@gmail.com)

Hello I'm paul smiths, I hail from Canada in ottawa city, I came across your advert and am highly interested in Purchasing your ($50 - Big Blue, the warm embrace of a sectional couch) which you offer for sale.I Due to the fact that its been a long time have been searching for it, Please Kindly get back to me as soon as possible with the necessary answers to the question in mind, Are you the first owner? The present condition? Your final asking price?And I will also like you to send me Pictures to enable me view what I intend to purchase and i will like you to know that my form of payment is through a Certified Check or a USPS Money Order ..I await your urgent response so that we can proceed further.

RESPONSE TO THIS MESSAGE SHOULD BE SENT TO (**omitted**)

Regards
Paul

my response:

okay, this sounds fine and acceptable.

There will be a minor transaction fee. I will pay you with a transfer from western union. Also, I will take 20$ off the price of the couch, there is some slight discoloration from blood stains. Don't worry most of it is gone and you CANNOT get any DNA evidence from it.

YOU WILL LOVE THIS COUCH!!! It is good for cuddling, snuggling and even taking naps. the stains that I mentioned earlier DO NOT SMELL AT ALL! and you will still sleep soundly.

I look forward to working with you!!!!

Sequels

2008-09-08T11:28:00.000-07:00

I think it is time for the movie Krull 2 to come out.

joke (based on a true story)

2008-09-05T16:04:00.001-07:00

Sometimes people who are divorced move into the singles ward, and I welcome them. But then they get remarried and I feel like I just got lapped.

Maybe someday I will get an Olympic story wrote about me how even after I got lapped, I just didn't give up, and people slow-clapped for me when I crossed the finish line.

______

Q: Do you know what the worst thing in the world is?

A: Yup, it's genocide.

Next to that is blogs by single people that complain about being single.

Do the Apocalypso

2008-09-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

I am kind of fascinated by the Apocalypse. My friend Adam and I used to pretend it was the Apocalypse on his trampoline and we would shoot lazers out of our hands at the armies of Gog (and Magog) because that's what we thought the priesthood could do. I am not trying to be sacrilicious here, we really kind of though that, but we also used to debate whether or not Ninjas were allowed crossbows in olden times ('cause of the "no guns for ninjas" rule).

Even though I am a little doubtful about the lazers, I am still intrigued by this period, and even though my theology doesn't really allow me to believe in Zombies*, I am still going to prepare just in case. I just hope they are the slow kind like in most movie and not the fast kind like in 28 days later 'cause I am slow of foot. I also think that if I was surrounded by Zombies on all sides and they were slowly closing in on me, I would start believing in the rapture real quick.

But I guess whether it is Zombies or Gog's or whatevs I am still kind of stoked for when it all goes down (think about this: no matter what happens food storage is still a good idea). I just hope the internet is one of the last things to go down because I really like playing wordscraper (nee scrabbulous). Man, if being good at scrabble was a weapon, I would not fear the Zombies, no, not one bit.

*This is for people that tell me who they are, they get specific blogs on the topics that they like.

Anonymous

2008-08-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

You know if you are writing as anonymous you neither get the credit (nor blame) for the thing that you just wrote, and like I've said before, I will read your comment and think, "Oh, that's nice, the guy who wrote 'Footprints' left a comment on my blog".

But you are welcome here anyway. And that time when you had a dream and you thought you were reading this blog all by yourselv, well you were not alone.

Because there is a ghost in your house.

More men

2008-08-25T08:47:00.000-07:00

Probably the best blog of Mormon jokes of all times is this one:

Regis Blog

If you think it is about Regis Philbin you prolly should read the very first post before you read anything else.

BRAND NEW.

2008-07-15T15:09:00.001-07:00

I am not a graphic designer, but I like to draw pictures. I like them on paper though and don't do so well when I have to use a computator. Back when I was talking about branding myself an old mission buddy* made me this:If you can top his design for gladhanded I will give you a **SUBSTANTIAL REWARD. Also I will post the pictures of entrants.

*(we both went to Spain and taught people how to be Mormons, also we sweated)
**I will draw your name in cool letters, like it is some sort of graffiti or something, you'll have to wait because I will probably do it in church and it might be on the back of a church program. I have been told that I am pretty good at this. Or I will draw on your shoes for you.

MENU UPDATE!!!

2008-07-11T11:13:00.001-07:00

My coming "Mormon" themed restaurant will have a children's menu, so far we only have one item on it:

Chicken Tender Mercies.

Zombiez

2008-07-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that the hardest part about preparing for the zombie invasion is knowing which scientists to trust. I mean will they be normal people infected with "rage" that move with blinding fury? or re-animated necrotic flesh spurred on by an insatiable hunger for human flesh (including the appendix)? Who knows? You would think it doesn't matter that much, but it will TOTALLY change my defensive strategy. Either way, is should keep a couple of weapons just to be safe. Does anyone know one can get one's shotgun "sawed off".* Anywho, I am not trying to be alarmist or anything, but I think it is about time we began a rational discussion about what to do when the dead begin to walk (I am not talking about the Rapture, 'cause I will be like, "Yo, peace out!!" twinkle). Also because I think a lot of politicians are ignoring this issue (How does Obama expect to have hope when his loved ones will be moaning his name in tattered clothes, hungering for his delicious and articulate brain). Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

P.S. If you are a sniper, I am looking for friends!!!

EDIT: I borrowed this book from Lee. It's kind of the authority on this subject.

*IDEA: During the zombie invasion, start a "Saw Off" business. Do not accept cash (axes will be more valuable). Also, make friends with that guy who keeps an old bus in his front yard, it would make a pretty good escape/assault vehicle.

IDEAZ!

2008-06-19T10:58:00.000-07:00

Here is an APPENDIX of good ideas. They are all free, no JOKE. If you make millions off of any of them you only have to give me one of your millions.

1. I'm gonna write a book called:

GET A JOB AND LOSE WEIGHT
How a stressful job will help you worry the pounds away.

I'll probably only sell a couple of million.

2. The UTA traxxx should have a car on each train dedicated to scooters, no seats, just a big freight car with a place to lock in the scooters. Most people like the idea of trax but don't like getting too and from the station at either end. UTA could sell a more expensive scooter pass and more people would use the train. This idea is made of gold and I have more details if you are interested.

3. Someone needs to make a car stereo for the iphone and let the iphone be the faceplate. It is already about the right size and then you will always take it with you. It could even be keyed in so that only your iphone would work with it. Tadah! anti theft device! It is so simple and genius I can't believe no one has done it. I think the biggest challenge is the frequency on which AT*T opperates (a thing which seems to always cause interference with speakers).

4. Piecake.
I have talked about this elsewhere and was even given a delicious piecake on the anniversary of my birth, but we need to talk about it more. Who is going to be in charge of starting the web-community around this idea (it is VERY WEB2.0)It is a pie INSIDE a cake. It would have a tool where you can "virutally" try out combinations like apple pie inside a carrot cake or cherry pie inside a double chocolate cake. I bet a lot of people would do coconut cream inside a German Chocolate cake, but that's there business.

5. Back-scratch therapy
You have seen it at church, but I think someone should bring this art out of obscurity. A good back scratch makes life worth living. You could have church pews with cushions along the backs of the pew in front of you (for a headrest) and if you don't have a white dress shirt (best thing for a b.s.) they could be provided. There are also different fees associated with different "types" of backscratch: "Hard" "Tickle" "Spelling" (there will be a selection of poetry to work from) and the ever-popular "going on a treasure hunt".

6. an anti-viral ad.
Everyone thinks viral ads are a good idea, and that if you make an ad and then call it a "viral ad" and make it cheaply that everyone will want to email it. I would like to make an ad that stops people from forwarding it and also encourages them to spend less money and maybe go outside once in a while. This ad will also have high production costs and involve well trained actors.

7. Extra large size pudding cup.
So I don't have to eat three.

That's it for now, but I will have more in the future.

STAY TUNED!!!!

appendix joke!

A man a brand a canal Panama

2008-06-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

My friend Brian (who likes the internet) and I were talking about the thing that he likes* the other day.

Blogs, Facebooks, Twitters, Aggregators, readers and all that. He was saying that once we are online we become brands, with consumers and followers and the like. Though I liked to think of myself as a Grape Nehi in a Coca-Cola world, I didn't like the idea of being a commodity. That is until I thought that meant that I get to design a logo for myself. If you would like you can design one for me too, and find some way to get it to me*. I am looking for something fresh and fun that appeals to my target demographic (peopleages 20-35 that like awesome things, taking naps and appendix jokes ).

Also, I have had some pretty good ideas lately that I should probably blog about. STAY TUNED!!!

*the internet

SINZ

2008-06-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

Last week was gay-pride week in Salt Lake City. I think this made a lot of Mormons uncomfortable.

because, you know, Pride is a sin.

Buzy Bee

2008-05-09T16:17:00.000-07:00

So, all jokes about appendix's (appendices?) aside. I have been bursting with work lately. We are working once again on a product for Two Little Hands Productions. I shan't say what. Which keeps me super busy.

My company also did this:

GM ROCKS!!!!!!!!

Nothing says Indie music like car manufacturers. I hope that GM appreciates all of the appendix joke traffic that I send their way. But seriously, they are sponsoring a number of pretty cool concerts including the "palooza" that started the "palooza" craze. Loungeapalooza etcetera.

Which reminds me, we are having a gathering for Lee (Leelandpalooza) at my house after the Bees game on Saturday. You can come or don't. but don't expect it to be a repository of the best appendix jokes you have ever heard.

The Inner Net

2008-04-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

the internet is nice and all, but lately I have been enjoying this old thing called a phone and it turns out, it comes in pretty handy.

The internet is such a great place to escape to, but sometimes I just need to be where I am escaping from, and it turns out that there is a lot worth facing in the real world.

Lonliness is next to Sadliness

2008-03-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

I wrote this ramble somewhere else, and thought about how I neglected this poor blog, only stopping by to give it a T-shirt. So is my post wherein I talk about the lonely one.

The lonely one.

I have always felt bad for the lonely one. Elgin was in my fifth grade class, and Ben S. wrote a story called "the Smellgin" that everyone thought was funny (because he smelled) and I just felt awful for Elgin (but the fact taht he smelled made it hard for me to be friends with him). There was Steven C. 9who made me feel uncomfortable when he talked about kissing his mom "hello" when he got home from school, Alan with heart problems and long white fingernails, and the guy with a tumor on his leg in third grade (whose name I don't have the charity to remember).

All through life I felt sad for the lonely one and I wished I could do something, but I never had enough confidence in myself to feel like I was good for much. So I'd talk to them, move my desk to their island, but I still wanted the cool friends, the interesting and attractive people that avoided ridicule. One time we were playing soccer at recess and I tripped Justin I. (chubby plus freckles) and he fell in a puddle of mud. Everyone laughed and I got all sorts of back slaps, but I felt awful. Yet I drank up the backslaps like some sort of luxury chocolate shake.

So life went on, and there was always that kid. The one with the smelly jacket, or the deaf girl that you could throw stuff in her hair and she didn't know, there was also that guy that read "the Sword of Shanara" and used the bathroom to go number two with the door open. and I couldn't do a darn thing to be on their side, because then they'd throw stuff in MY hair or pull down my pants when I was talking to the pretty girl. This is the dilemma of a Junior High Student. I still regret to this day ditching one of my best friends because I was convinced that he would be an impediment and all the things that made him decent and good were the things that would not stand up at BJH. You cannot make friends with Gomez or you too will get heaved into the bushes at lunch. If you talk to J.Wakefield, your pants are in danger of getting ceremoniously dumped.

In High School I got some confidence and found that people would be around me if I did funny things. So I did funny things and sometimes on television or for assemblies, but I didn't think of myself as cool or popular or any of that. I still sweated when asking a girl out (and avoided them until the day of the date, lest they should change their mind). But there were still the lonely ones skulking down the halls and you knew them and everyone knew their name, but know I think I started to settle into a groove and realized that I loved art and wasn't awful at soccer and being good at school wasn't something to hide. I ran for a class office and then for a Student Body Office (for in the mind of my Junior-year-self there was no arrival greater, nor pronouncement of completion more final). I wrote the scripts myself and made the posters in the wee hours of my house. I walked around the lunch room shaking hands and making ridiculous promises because any promise was ridiculous. Miracle of miracles, I get elected to a Student Body Office, and feel like I have arrived.

So my job is to make announcements, but I also think that from now on, things are going to be different. I will sit with Elgin and Justin and James and Steven and everyone else will realize that we are all okay, and it would be just like a seminary videos. And the kid with ketchup on his shirt will be the prom queen and I will dance with the heavy-set gal at Jr. Prom.

So on the first day of School, I notice this kid with extra-thick glasses that involve some tape (I think they were the type that are supposed to turn dark in sunlight, but instead are always just kind of dark). I watch him as he eats by himself slowly and deliberately. His eyes are on the table and he finishes efficiently then exits quickly. This pattern would continue every day for a week.

I point this out to my friend and lay out my plan. He is in on it with me. We go and sit with this guy with the biggest dopiest grins on our faces. We introduce ourselves and the guy looks up, hurt and says, "oh, I see what you are doing." and gets up and walks away. So all of the sudden I am Ben eFFing Scribner writing a story about Smellgin and there is nothing I can do to make this guy think different.

Fast forward a few years. I am in college (freshman year) and I jump into an advanced Physics class. It is the first class I have taken in an auditorium with stadium seating. The students buzz about the professor, "He was on the Manhattan project, some sort of genius." " Did you hear that he never married?" And I take a test or two, and on the second test in class on Friday I miss one of the important problems that is like half of the grade. So disgusted and intimidated by the process I throw the paper away. One week passes, then this professor announces that one of the problems was scored incorrectly and if you bring the test in they will regrade it.

What does a guy do?

Nothing, I sit on it for a week. But I know it will hurt my grade, so I go up to him and explain my situation. I am not asking for anything at this point, I just tell him what happens. He tells me to come back to his office to discuss it. When we get to his office he tells me he is going to retest me right there. He asks me to sit down and he makes up a problem and I am supposed to solve it in front of him. I totally freeze up and stare at the paper for like five minutes. Then he says, "here, you will probably need these formulas" and he writes out a bunch of formulas for me. I do the problem, he slowly takes out a red pen and corrects the problem and I get 8 out of 10 points (a full letter grade difference). He explains what I did wrong and encourages me on the next test. I pulled an A minus in the class (I think, actually I don't know, but I want you to think his encouragment worked, and that I am smart, but not remarkaeble [which I spelled wrong and am leaving as such for my punishment for saying that I am smart]).

Jump forward again, back from my mission, owning campus and living a pretty good life. It's like nine at night. I am studying in the Wilkensen center and I catch a tall tweeded figure out of the corner of my eye. It's this professor and he has a tray with some sandwich on it and he sits down and eats it slowly and deliberately. He looks at the ceiling tiles in the way that makes you think he is pondering physics but I assume he is avoiding eye contact. I remember how he was never married, and now after class he must eat this gummy bread and slow gape on it. I sit and watch him eat and my leg muscles start twitching because I have been on the verge of moving over and sitting with him for a half an hour. All I wanted to say was "I was in your class years ago, and thanks for your help." but I cant' get that other kid out of my mind, and as much as we hate loneliness we also hate pity.

So I don't know what is sadder, lonely guy or cowardice.

There are still lonely ones in my life and this one guy (Brett, who has a clammy handshake and who starts twitching when I talk to him) and sometimes I try to sit with him, but it never feels right, but maybe it's better than nothing. So maybe I am not as much a coward anymore, but you can't ever sit with everyone, and also sometimes you are the lonely guy and you just want someone interesting and confident to come sit by you, but not because you are the lonely one.

So maybe I will just have to treat this blog like the lonely one and start being nice to it. Sometimes the world is just a lonely place and all you can do is sit next to it, and hope it doesn't get the wrong idea.

Don't think of this as a new blog

2008-03-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

Just a blog that changed it's t-shirt.

I am also trying out Adsense, because I am to see if my dozen or so hits a day can turn into gum money.

I also threw down a few more links. I bet I forgot a bunch. It's not you, it's me.

A well coined phrase

2008-03-11T19:25:00.000-07:00

So there is this guy who linked to my blog pointing out my opportunism with the google searches (re: appendix jokes). He coined the term "googlooping" to describe the phenomenon. I hearby want to encourage the use of said term and of said practice. Please regale me of your tales of how googlooping has increased the crash errant surfers to your virtual sandy beaches. Link them to that guys post and whoever google's googlooping will find him.

I myself have found my "appendix jokes" traffic to be waning. If you are interested in helping with this project. Mention "appendix jokes" in your blog and link it back to that page.

If you hate both of my projects then try out some of the other words and phrases that I am trying to coin and get accepted into the lexicon.

Tomorning (tomorrow morning) ex: "I'd like to stay and french-out but I gotta get up awful early tomorning"

Yesternight (last night) ex: "I am real tired 'cause I frenched it up yesternight."

Dormulent (incredibly sleepy, desiring a bed) ex: "That guy is always blaming his sleepiness on kissing out but he is really just a dormulant galoot."

Alright, that's enough blog homework for one night.

Karma is an unkind woman

2008-02-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

So I have been basking in all of my googled glory. Drinking up the fame that comes from being the internet's leading authority on Appendix Jokes, and then karma hit me (but apparently karma has poor aim and hit my good buddy Mike at work).

So Mike is recovering from an appendectomy. Send good vibes his way. I am going to send a pie his way.

Some dance

2008-01-25T14:01:00.001-08:00

If you are going to go to a film festival, make documentaries your priority. Here is why:

There are a lot of poorly made films at a festival. The majority of the good ones will find distribution and make it to a local art-house at least. Films that have a LOT of buzz will probably even get a wide release. Anymore the festival scene is really about independent filmmakers and artistic and innovative films as much as it is about promoting a certain type of film that "feels" independent (and has a major star trying to earn some acting chops). National Treasure could have been a Sundance film if Nicholas Cage had a 14 year old daughter that was into taxidermy and said whatever was on her mind.

So go see the documentaries. Some are sweet and some are alarmist, many simply have a cause and the Q&A isn't about the craft it's about the cause "But what can we do?!?" I usually like the documentaries about people but sometimes I like the informative ones. I saw two documentaries like this. One better than the other, but both interesting and fair-handed and informative enough to make me care about their causes. FLOW was about water and it talked about a number of issues surrounding the privatization of water (bad) and the importance of conservation (good) and activism (good?). Personally I think activism is a tool for when the normal processes don't work (ie: voting, legislation etc..) some people like the romance of the sit in and the picket sign (but I digress). I left this film firm in my resolve not to buy bottled water (for a number of reasons, we can talk about it if you'd like). It was a nice film by people that cared passionately about what they were doing.

The other doc I saw was I.O.U.S.A. It was a midnight show and it was on economics and debt. To me this was a bigger warning that former vice-president Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Power Point Presentation" (which I only thought was vice-good). I left the theater wanting to vote for a candidate that would raise taxes and balance the budget and diminish entitlements. Did you know in the last 7 years our national debt has almost doubled? and more importantly, the holders of the debt are now, more than ever, foreign entities, specifically China?

Why does this matter? is this only theoretical money? Well kind of, but the thing is, once people realize that money is only theoretical that's when it all goes bad, and if the owners of our debt do that to us our green pieces of paper aren't worth anything anymore, and the zeroes and ones in your atm mean less. But more to the point, these foreign debt holders can influence and dictate policy to US. The world bank already does it to 3rd world countries. So the thing we should care about is that the guys that pulled off the party at Tianemen square also hold our debt, and if at any point we decide to become idealistic the thing that our loan collectors can repossess is our ideal of what America is.

Yeesh, sometimes I just wish we could pay off our National Debt with our National Treasure. Anybody know a Templar Knight?

A SURGE(ry) in APPENDIX TRAFFIC

2008-01-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

Doctor (examining a patient's appendix): Wow, I bet that hurts like the Dickens!
Patient (who is a minor celebrity): No, it's actually just north of the Dickens

(cue laugh track)

This was said to my father (a doctor) by a patient (more like IMpatient) who makes his living off making jokes. Which is a bigger crime: to violate HIPA or to steal a joke?

I want to become the Robins William of appendix jokes.

Thanks to the fine folks at the Google, I am the NUMBER 1 result when you search appendix jokes.

I got three hits yesterday alone!!! I am getting at least one a day!! I dont' have enough exclamation marks!!!!!

I promise my next jokes won't have a theme, or at least they won't have THIS theme.

Salt City Ink.

2008-01-14T16:37:00.001-08:00

How about a reality show about a Salt Lake City tattoo parlor that only does temporary tattoos. Sure it's not a great idea, but c'mon, there are already FOUR shows about tattoo parlors.

Anyway, I have a few opinions about tattoos, but mostly I don't care. Mostly because getting a tattoo is like having someone write down the date you wanted to get a tattoo on your body. Also, it is mostly because it is like choosing a t-shirt that you really like, and deciding to wear it for the rest of forever.

But on the other hand, they can be really cool. So what's a fella to do?

Well if I DID get a tattoo it would probably be one of the following (feel free to take any of these ideas and let me know how they turn out).

TATTOO IDEAS:

Calvin urinating on gothic letters that say: "TATTOO"
Herve Villachez ("Hey want to see my tattoo?").
A picture of my face, on my face, about 3/4 size (Sure it's vain, but people will always be under the illusion that I am backing away from them).
The words "Bad Idea" on my cheek, right below my eye.
Robot hand (on hand).
A tattoo right under my nostril, you think it is a booger but when you look close, nope, it's a beautiful butterfly (with skulls on it's wings).
A tattoo of big muscles all over my body (<---GREAT IDEA).
a tribal.
A tattoo of lots of money, but make it look like it's coming out of my pockets (they are a-million-dollar-bills)
A Bear Murdering a Puma (with some malice of forethought).
A tattoo of a box of TNT right where my appendix should be (gotta please my readership)
A tattoo of a good haircut on (and around) my head.
A tattoo that says "VOTE FOR MITCH ROMNEY!!!

If you have any more ideas, go ahead and give them to me. Especially if they are related to your FREE APPENDIX SURGERY JOKES!!!

Bursting with Appendix Jokes!!!

2008-01-10T15:04:00.000-08:00

So this guy (Brian) is now working with a company that does Web Analytics. Really high-powered stuff that can tell what gum you are eating while you are surfing the site. I, on the other hand, am using good ole-fashioned Sitemeter. What I have learned from the free sitemeter is that most people that read my blog know me, or know people that know me. But about once a day, I get someone who did a google search for "appendix jokes". one of my first posts was an appendix of my most commonly used jokes I am getting searchers from around the world looking for appendix jokes.

So friends, family, people who know people who I know: This post is not for you. This is for the Guy in New Zealand whose mom is in the hospital and is looking for something clever to write about her recent surgery. Here is the thing, I don't want to just GIVE you jokes (then you won't come back). So instead, I am just going to give you a couple of Appendix Punchlines. Also, at the end of the post I am going to write a few words that are sure to increase my Appendix-Jokes traffic.

APPENDIX PUNCHLINES:

"No, I said vestigial organ, not vestigial Oregon!"

"And St. Peter said, 'It was the RUPTURE, not the RAPTURE!'"

"Well it all came out in the end"

"Now THAT is what I call splenic flexture!" (I hope you guys are alright with a few splean jokes thrown in)

"Well you sure ain't going to find any bibliographies in THAT appendix"

"STAND BACK, IT'S GOING TO BLOW!!!"

"I'll show YOU a small fingerlike organ!"

"Duoden'em, I hardly knew him"

Thank you folks I'll be here all week.

hot sexy appendix jokes babes appendix jokes free iphone appendix jokes dirty appendix jokes funny appendix jokes geneology appendix jokes Mitt Romney appendix jokes free cake appendix jokes.

P.S. I am getting about 13 hits a day right now, let's see if we can get a spike in appendix jokes traffic!

Lazer Quest(ions)

2008-01-04T11:08:00.000-08:00

Q: Is there any funner thing that can be did on a Thursday night than to play lazer tag for brothers birthday?

A: Nope

Q: But isn't it kind of dorky?

A: Yup

Q: Surely there is a funner thing to do, isn't there?

A: Not unless there is a game called lazer french-out.

Q: "French out" that sounds gross. Do you have any suggestions for making innocuous forms of affection sound gross?

A: Good question. Yes, if you want to make some form of affection sound gross, make it a gerund (or past participle) then add a direction: (french kiss =frenching up ex: I totally got frenched up last night, hugging = front hugging ex: I am really into front hugging these days).

Q: Does Michelle Hoon have a grosser version

A: Yup, but I will let her tell it.

Q: Are you some sort of perv.

A: No, it just sounds like it, most of my friends think I am a prude, I blush when I walk by a women's underwear store.

Q: nerd

A: that's not really a question now is it?

Q: Ah hah, the questioner has become the question-ed. HOW D'YOU LIKE ME NOW!?!?

A: I like you just fine.

Q: Do you have any pictures that you have took that demonstrate your patriotism?

A:
Q: I question your patriotism.

A: Well then I guess we know who your uncle is not (Sam).

Q: Happy New year?

A: whatevs.

2007-12-20T19:06:00.001-08:00

Well, I hope that is worth a thousand words, so maybe I won't have to post for a bit. I do have a couple thousand more words for ye, if'n yer interested.

This is NOT a musix blog

2007-11-16T15:14:00.001-08:00

Okay, you guys know me (all 17 of you per day) and you know that this is not a music blog. I am not the guy that knows the latest music. I may be the last one to get on the feist train, so late in fact that I am getting on the feist bus that runs late into the night, but don't let this song get into your ear, or you won't get it out.

Thanks and curses to D.Hurley for feeding me this.
There are other versions out there, but they have too many darn elements (not Honda). Here is the other thing that I am going to muse upon: Watching this I am overtaken by the beauty of Feist, but in the way that makes me want to tell people that sometimes beauty has nothing to do with the arrangement of flesh upon your skull.

There are a lot of beautiful people in the world (at least a dozen). It's tragic, or at least lame when they don't get that about theyselves. I for instance have a number of good things going for me, but I am often awkward and have many things about me that are less-than-ideal, but sometimes I recline against my conviction that I am fairly awesome. It is not a comparative thing, but just a thing that I think is healthy to think about yourself, not that I am awesomer than other nor even the awesomest (expecially not in grammar nor spelling), but I think we should all have an abiding belief in ourownself and ourown awesomeness. If we believe this in a healthy way I think we separate ourselves from the products that we create. We can take criticism as something that can't destroy us.

I think the key in that is to be open to the awesomeness of others, and people, I am putting you on notice. If I spend much time with you, I have some evidence as to your awesomeness, so I don't want to hear you down on yourself.

Here is the last part of this musing.
Another awesome thing, is the hot cocoa that I make. Request it by name.

Happiness is...

2007-11-14T09:52:00.000-08:00

Despite what the rock and the roll say. Happiness is not a warm gun. That is a different emotion entirely (shootiness?).

Recent research has concluded that there is no joy equal to that of a guileless child running toward you whilst screaming your name. Nothing quickens the heart rate nor brings a smile to a sullen face with such force.

I give you a case in point:
Not my best photography, but I think you get the idea. So here is a salute to some of my nieces and nephew that will be moving soon, and whom I will miss terribly, whose urchin cries have a greater pull than the song of Circe and all of the Sirens combined.

Kids:

I just hope they remember who their favorite uncle is.

One of these days these shoes are going to walk all over you.

2007-11-08T15:47:00.000-08:00

I made these shoes for a friend t'other day. I did the negative space with white acrylic paint and used sharpie paint pen for the black lines. I think i will make more of things similar.

I can't say the idea was mine alone. Monstershouel (scroll down).

Man's inhumanity to ham(burger).

2007-11-06T16:46:00.000-08:00

I was in Detroit (rock city) only long enough to see White Castle and eat a slider (or five). This is a miserable excuse for a burger, and after five I feel like I am guilty of gastronomic genocide against the nation of me.

there will be a war-crimes tribunal.

Wave of Mutilation

2007-10-11T10:21:00.001-07:00

So I got this guilt. Blog guilt. You folks probably know something about it. I feel like I owe the internet something, and for that I apologize.

This summer has been one thing after another thing and knocked back and forth by the whimsy of fate (Oh fate, why must you have so much whimsy!).

So this isn't actually my blog post, this is a stop gap measure. You won't see the pictures of me traveling across America (not yet), nor see me driving through the badlands, or hear about my weekend adventures.

You will, but just not yet. I am still here, and all that, but I just haven't the time, but stay tuned, because man, I have some pictures for you.

Baile bien mujer

2007-08-28T17:53:00.001-07:00

So I think I have established that America is pretty great, neh?

D'you know what else is great? The Mexico. You don't know the first thing about taco unless you have ate one of their tacos off a big pile or roasting meat with pineapple begifting its juices to the meat. But I digress (coming soon: taco blog, tentatively named "Dos tacos muy tacos")

Work sent me to Mexico to film another lil' doc about Ballet Folklorico at a little* church**-run school in the city of Mexico.

Originally I wasn't incredibly stoked ('ceptin' about the mexico part), but these dancers, though only high-school aged were incredible. The best moments were on film, but I captured a few with my lil' point and shoot.

You know who else is a good dancer?

my friend/camerman/editor/co-director Isaac
But after it was over there were bows and prayers, and I thought about how I love the idea of an implicit connection of us expressing ourselves through art and our spirituality.

After this much culture, the cultural affairs director for the school took us to take in some more Mexico. At this point, I was body-slammed with awesomeness.
and then went to an open-air market the next day where I saw a lot of these signs which I quite liked.

Man, I dig this country quite a bit. I didn't take pictures of the tacos I ate (because I was on sacred ground), but also because if you even saw a picture of one of these al pastor tacos with oaxaca cheese and grilled pineapple you would bite your monitor.

then I came home and prepared for a trip across America, or at least South Dakota.

*HUGE
**The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, aka The Mormons, aka the NOT-R-LDS

Free Dumb

2007-07-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we Americans may not be the smartest people in the whole wide world, but at least we have the freedom to celebrate in whatever way we see fit...
Even if it means sexy-dancing with fireworks (It's my choice).

Maybe I shouldn't always get my choice.

Summer Corn

2007-07-17T14:05:00.000-07:00

Summer time is a time for corn.
Some get caught up in the debate of corn. On or off the cob?

I think they miss the point entirely. I am going to vote for neither.

Surprised?

I thought you might be, but let me submit this. The best type of corn, is UNI-Corn.
behold the evidence:
Not everyone will agree on this point, but at least it is a discussion to pursue further:

(I might be swayed into the "on the cob" camp, but Unicorns play an important role in the manufacture of some of my favorite cookies).

Spring Chicken

2007-07-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

I just turned 31. Okay, I didn't "just" turn 31, it happened a few months ago and it has been in the works for the past 30 years. Which leads me to my next joke.

I am no Spring Chicken.

But, Oh the glories of being a summer chicken.I bought this little number at the now infamous Circus Circus (it's like a double circus, but with lousy accommodations).

I have now had opportunity to wear the chicken costume in the following locations:
In the Circus Circus lobby
In the Circus Circus gambling area (which is apparently against the rules even if you bought the chicken suit there).
At a bachelor party
In a going-away parade at Liberty Park
and
To surprise my mother a few weekends ago.

I've mentioned that she has been sick, and she is now on the mend, so I flew out to surprise her on her birthday. Thanks to my brother, Adrian, she had no idea until he was signing her a happy birthday song and a large chicken was peck-peck-pecking her on the head.

Now that they live in Buffalo, I don't get to see the "folks" that much, so we made the most of the weekend by doing some sailing. Here is the proof:
Moms (aka: queen of the sea)
Brother Ethan (the rhyming ancient mariner):

'nother brother:
father Dayton:
not Pictured: Damian and Sister-in-Law Natalie.

I then ate a buffalo wing and then winged it on home.

Good times, but another reminder that I ain't no spring chicken.

I ain't been missin' you at all.

2007-06-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

No wonder we are such a grammar starved nation. When people can freely sing "since you been gone, I ain't been missing you at all," and do so with impunity, you know where our language is headed and in what type of a handbasket.

So I been gone for a bit. Mostly I been doin' this:
but I have left the shooting cave once in a while. Since I been gone for such a while I will try to update with Pixxxs instead of words (since a word is worth 1/1000 of picture). I will now demonstrate a hint of the baw-wit-da-blogs that I would been writing If'n I not been gone.

Blog 1:
THE TERRIBLE TWO

Sometimes when I wasn't telling kids to act harder I was playing with the nieces and nephew.

they are terrible

and cute
and sometimes terribly cute
(Ladies, please note: I am v. good with children, exspecially if I can hand them off when I am good an tired of 'em).

Blog 2:
SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH US ARE WE,
THAT YOU COULD LOVE YOU
AND I COULD LOVE
ME

ONE fine even'n I went to help Matt take pictures of his attractively betrothed brother and sister. Behold the evidence (you might remember them from Hot Lava):

I think the last is my favorite, but hardly a great portrait.
-M.S. (middlescript) I took these all with a point and shoot. This is not really bragable, I am just sayin' (Matt had the fancypants camera).

the next day: more time in the studio

Blog 3:
CROQUET IS OQUET

Our family traditionally plays croquet on Memorial day and Labor day. Traditionally I win ('cause of how good I am). I won't tell you who won this year, but I will tell you this, it was a total fluke. Fortunately it left me free to capture the whimsy.

BEHOLD THE WHIMSY:

But I ain't sayin' a thing 'bout who won. But after that I had to go back out to the studio to rock out a bit.

More later....

maybe.

Signs of the Times

2007-05-10T06:32:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I know I have some 'splaining to do. I haven't had a chance to regail with stories of chicken suits and circus circuses, but I have been busy.

I am again working on Signing Time! a pretty great show for kids, but it is currently taking up most of my time. Check it out www.signingtime.com. I have been working on the show since episode 7 and we are currently in production for a whole lot more.

but one day, one day I will show more pictures of chicken suits.

sincerely,

Damian

Guat do you guant from me?

2007-04-20T12:52:00.001-07:00

so I've been in Guatemala also.

I went with this guy. We are working on the next episodes of Acts of God.
We filmed a really neat organization that is teaching self-reliance in cooperation with the church.

Here are some more pictures.

I hope the next post will be less heavyhanded and more gladhanded. Here is a teaser:

Hot Lava

2007-04-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks. I have been a travelin' of late so I haven't writ much. I will try to remedy this (though I will not try very hard).

I went to Lava Hot Springs with some friends both old and new (the name sounds better when you call it "Hot Lava Springs"). We left on Friday and It involved some driving. How about some pictures of that?

okay:

As you can see, we left pretty late, so there were no rooms left at the hot lava, so we kept on driving, and driving and driving until we got to Idaho Falls.

We didn't stay for the falls, but we did stay for the gas-tanks-that-look-like-soda-pop cans, so which I think counts for something.

A lot of the trip felt like this:
But sometimes we went to thrift stores in Blackfoot, and in the end we did take a dip in the hot lava.
thanks for the memories guys.

Acts of God

2007-03-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

Some of you know that I have been out trotting some globe this last year (because of how much I like to brag), making a documentary about natural disaster and the humanitarian aid department of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The doc has grown from an hour long special to a four part series. We just put the finishing touches on the first two episodes "A Time of Need" and "A Willing Heart" respectively. They are going to air in between sessions of LDS General conference and at a few other times as well:

I'd love you folks to take a gander

Check out our unofficial trailer (we don't have the rights to the music) here:

www.kinetopictures.com

We will soon be replacing it with our OFFICIAL trailer with some beautiful music written for us by one Mister Josh Aker.

BYU Television - BYU's national cable network (Comcast channel 21 in Utah, this station is also available on most national cable and satelitte networks under the name BYUTV).

Saturday, March 31
noon #101 "A Time Of Need"(between general conference sessions)

Sunday, April 1
noon #102 "A Willing Heart"(between general conference sessions)

4:30 pm #101 "A Time Of Need"
5:00 pm #102 "A Willing Heart"

Tuesday, May 8, 7:00 and 10:00 pm, #101 "A Time Of Need"
15, 7:00 and 10:00 pm, #102 "A Willing Heart"
22, 7:00 and 10:00 pm, #103 "My Brother's Keeper"
29, 7:00 and 10:00 pm, #104

KBYU-TV (channel 11 in Salt Lake and Provo)
Sunday, April 1
6:00 #101 "A Time Of Need"
6:30 #102 "A Willing Heart"